Tuesday, June 19, 2007

The Laws of MySpace: NAMES

I've been bouncing around MySpace for some time now and I've come across some revelations. Nothing new; you may have noticed them as well. But the difference is I am choosing to blog about them because if you know me, I always need something to gripe about. And since I have an amazing girlfriend, a great job, and life in general is pretty good, I don't really have anything to gripe about so I have decided to aim my sites at MySpace. That's right. Biting the hand that feeds me. So what? Rather than bunch my MySpace whinges together in one long-winded blog, I have chosen to start a series based on this phenomenon. Today's topic: Your MySpace name. It's come to my attention that you can tell a lot about a person based on their screen name alone. Observe:

If a girl has any of the above descriptive words (or anything similar) in her screen name, i.e. GlamorousGrl or SexyMama she will, in all actuality, NOT be any of those things.

If the "heart" symbol appears anywhere in the screen name and it's a girl, she will be 12 years old but desperately wishes she were older. Like 15. If it's a guy with a heart symbol in the screen name, he will be 44 years old be desperately wishes he were younger. Like 12. And a girl.

4 Words or More
If the screen name is not a name but a complete sentence like "I hate your mother's cooking" or "Deep into the night steps a wayward fawn" or "Music is my master and I am its slave" then they are an idiot. They probably write unsuccessful poetry and think they're much deeper than they actually are. They aren't deep, just annoying.

I Need Attention!
If the screen name is actually a birthday reminder ("It's My Birthday!" or "4 Days Til My BDay!") then they don't have any friends. Do not pity them. Do not wish them a happy birthday. They suck.

Most screen names are the person's name (Bob), a play on their name (Amykins), or a nickname (Daruba). This is fine. Once in a while you'll get someone, though, who picks a random noun (The Blender) or a name they wish they went by (Studmaster General). These people are almost as bad as the "It's My Birthday" people. But I won't be too harsh on them because these people can't help it. These people are retarded.

Tour de Lanc

Yesterday after work Stacey, who is the office manager here at the station, drove me around the city of Lancaster to sort of give me a refresher course and try to recapture my bearings. It didn't work. I spent the whole time turned around, not sure which way was north, and never ending up where I thought we were.

One nice thing, though, was seeing how many things are here that I never got to experience the last time I was here. Stacey pointed out all of the cool spots to take Sarah when she visits and even showed me the coolest Irish pub in town. A few days ago I hung out with my pals Ethan and Aubrey and they showed me and told me of a few treasures in the area I'd never heard of.

Of course when most people think of Lancaster, they automatically think of the Amish. You don't think about the small streets that remind you of Chicago or New York City, the little Mexican restaurants and grocery stores, the vineyard that has a live big band for dancing, or the new Minor League baseball stadium. Stacey worded it perfectly yesterday: "There's a big difference between Lancaster County and Lancaster City."

So many cool things I can't wait to see and do. It really is like I never lived here before. I'm grateful to have this second chance to experience the place I live and not just reside here.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Return to (Amish) Paradise

I just wrote a very long and very enthralling blog on my return to Pennsylvania and WJTL which MySpace was then kind enough to lose for me. So I will recap:

1. I'm safe and sound and staying with Ann & Chuck in their beautiful home while I carry on Apartment Hunt 07.

2. I am excited to get back to the WJTL offices tomorrow and see everyone again and start work.

3. I miss Sarah. But at least I have that cool movie of ours to watch until I see her again in a couple of weeks.

4. There is a stretch of 283 right outside of Lancaster that REALLY smells like manure. And not in a good way. I had forgotten about that.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

I Still Won

Today after we finished work I was standing around with Ray while Dad ran some paperwork inside for the homeowners. They have a sort of weird swingset-type thing in their backyard that consisted of various vertical pipes. I asked Ray if he thought he could grab one pipe with each hand and hang in the air longer than Dad could. Without hesitation Ray said he could.

When Dad returned from outside Ray turned the tables and said, "Hey Dad, do you think you can hang from those bars longer than Eddie?"

Dad laughed and said "Yea. How long did he do it?"

"You have to do it at the same time," Ray said.

Dad approached the bars and I started to laugh. I could see that if we both dangled there at the same time we would be really close together, almost touching. "I'm going to lose because I'm going to start laughing," I said.

But still the game went on.

Dad and I stood face to face and I was already cracking up. Ray counted us off with a count to three and immediately Dad started to make me laugh. I laughed and accidentally sent spittle flying in his face. Which made me laugh more.

It was a little harder than it sounds; you couldn't just hang from the bars. They were at such a distance that your arms almost had to be straight out at your side in order to grab them both, so it was pretty tough. I decided I was going to throw the contest and wrap my legs around Dad's torso and pull him down.

I started laughing because I knew it was going to be funny.

And then Dad threw a leg up and kicked me in Menards.

Dad let go and walked away laughing while Ray and I both simultaneously exclaimed, "Duuuuuuude."

It didn't hurt. And I won. Totally worth it.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Old People: Not Funny

The last couple of days I have been doing work for people who are older than me. By older than me, I mean in their 60s. Siding houses, wallpapering, what-have-you. And in both cases they have annoyed me with their attempts at being funny. What makes it worse is that they both have the exact same material.

Here's the basic premise: They will hover over me and watch me work and then make comments like "Gee, you sure are working slowly" or "Where did your dad get such horrible help" or "Just because it's 5:00 doesn't mean you can go home. You young people don't know what it is to work."

I know they're just trying to be funny, but the thing is, they're failing at it. Instead of using delivery that is light and friendly, they say it in their I-Can-Say-Whatever-I-Really-Feel-If-I-Pretend-I'm-Joking voice. And after 2-1/2 weeks of hearing it over and over and over again it has gone from "not funny" to "really not funny" to "slightly annoying" to "ready to walk off the job at any moment."

If you know me, then you know I like to joke around. That's not what I have a problem with. I just hate it when I'm out in the sun working and they're standing behind me, beer in hand, and making smart-aleck comments to someone they don't even know.

Maybe it's because Dad told them I'm into comedy and they're just trying to be funny. Maybe that's how everyone joked in the '50s. But you're paying me to work on your house, not be funny, and for you my funny isn't free.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Enjoying the weather

Sarah and I didn't mind that it was pouring outside. Given the recent heatwave that's been pounding Indiana, the water was actually quite nice. We stood there and let the downpour drench us; at one point Sarah closed her eyes and turned her faced upward, letting it cool her face. She was especially beautiful in that instant and I'll have that image in my mind's eye for a long time.

It should have been in a movie, that's how perfect everything was for those few too-brief minutes. And now every time I see rain on TV or hear a rumble of thunder in the distance I think of us standing there that night, well-aware the moment would soon pass, but also knowing it was a moment that wouldn't be soon forgotten.

Friday, June 01, 2007

I can almost hear it now. "Gee, Ed sure has been quiet on MySpace recently." It's true. I have. See, the thing is, I met this girl...

Actually, to say I just met her isn't entirely true. I met her last summer. August 21, 2006 to be exact. It's just that we've only recently realized there was a mutual liking going on. It only took us about a year for things to come together. We're sharp like that.

Her name is Sarah and she makes me laugh like no one ever has. She's got a heart so big you could live beneath it and a smile so cute it could melt...I don't want to be cliche and say "rocks" or "diamonds" but am having a hard time finding the right word. I was gonna go with "Formica" but that didn't sound right and "hard stuff" sounded even worse. So I'll just say her smile could melt something that otherwise would be really hard to melt.

I won't get too mushy on ya, don't worry. I don't want to give everyone diabetes by going on and on about how sweet she is. But I could. So watch yourselves.

So yea...I haven't exactly been online a lot lately. I'm moving away in a couple of weeks and before now I couldn't wait to get out of here. Now it's kind of like, "OK, time, you can slow down for a bit now."

And now you know why. Now you know why I haven't changed my Top 10 list in a week and why my picture has stayed the same and why I have been slow to leave comments on your blog or respond to your messages. It's not that I don't care, it's just that I've been busy being smitten.