Friday, May 30, 2008

Prooving One's Idiocy

I don't like to just make a fool of myself. I prefer to do it over and over again, just to make sure people know I'm an idiot.

Sarah and I are currently in San Diego for a wedding. We are planning on driving up to LA County on Sunday so I can show her some of my old haunts when I lived out here. Some friends of mine, Andrea & Drew, live in San Pedro and I didn't think to call them to let them know I'd be in the area until we were in the airport in Baltimore.

Idiot! How could I forget them?!

I hopped online at the airport and shot them an email and sent them a text. We're on our way out there! Prepare for fun and "In & Out" burgers!!

After landing in San Diego, getting our rental car, and finding the nearest In & Out burger place, I gave them a call. "Hey guys!!! We're here and maybe can see you in a couple of days!! I'm an idiot for not giving you the heads up earlier!"

And then, I felt like an idiot again.

Oh yeah. I forgot. They moved back to Nashville.

Insert awkward conversation here. "Oh's right, heh heh....well....if we're ever in Nashville again soon....let's hook up!"

I'll beat you to the punch: I'm an idiot.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Happy 4th Birthday

Wow. This blog is four years old this month. On one hand it almost seems like "forever ago" when I started this because I was in such a different place. Who was that guy in Nashville spending all of his time alone, trying desperately to save a relationship without help from anyone else lest people find out he was in a failing marriage?

Yeah, that guy was me.

I started this blog in a pretty dark time in my life although I think I did a pretty good job at hiding it. But I've come to appreciate dark times, and I'm not just saying that because things pretty much rock right now. There's no way I would appreciate what I have and those around me as much as I do had everything in life been one smooth road.

Sometimes we have to lose everything we have to find out what's really important. It's a steep price at the time, but it's a bargain in the long run.

Along the way God put a couple of guys in my life who set me straight. Guys that would tell me what I needed to hear even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear. Sometimes we have a tendency to baby our friends and go easy on them; Sometimes what we need is someone to kick our butt and tell us to get on the freakin' ball. So thanks, Davy. Thanks, Rick. Thanks for being willing to let God use you to set a schmuck like me straight.

I never would have thought, four years ago, I'd be where I am today and this happy about it. It's not because of anything I did. I have to let God take the credit. He does indeed rock. Even in the hard times.

Hm. I intended this blog to be a "Hey wow, I've been writing somewhat consistently for four years now" blog and it turned out to be a reflection on how good God is. Funny how that happens.

Here's to another four (and more).

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Indiana Jones 4: An In-Depth Review

Just kidding. I don't want to spoil anything for you. So I'll just say Sarah and I both really enjoyed it. Afterwards in the car on the way back to work (yes, that's right, I took 3 hours off in the middle of my work day to go to the movies. So I work somewhere cool that lets me carry on such shenanigans, sue me) I turned to Sarah and said, "I thought there were only 2 gay parts. Guess what they were."

She guessed them by saying only two words: "Groundhogs. Vines." (Settle down, I haven't given anything away)

Other than that, well done everyone. We had fun!

Wow....We've been looking forward to this day for so long. May 22nd has come, I saw Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull....

Now what?

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Live Taped Comedy

Well, if you missed my cool stand-up routine at the Sertoma Chicken BBQ this past weekend, no worries. Video was rolling and I'll be putting up some clips on YouTube, maybe like 1 clip a week. Instead of harassing my pals here every time I put one up, you may just wanna subscribe to my videos. My YouTube page is right here.

I put the first clip up earlier today. You can watch it by clicking here. And yes, that's right. I started off my set with an ad lib (always a sign of the greatness that is to follow).

Try not to let the fact that no one is in the audience distract you. Instead focus on the awesome comedy happening before your eyes.


Thursday, May 15, 2008


I think the people who make beach towels should spend some time with the people who make bath towels. There really shouldn't be any difference between the two, should there? They're both towels. Their primary function is to dry people off, yet bath towels are soft and fluffy and beach towels are thin and rough. Almost like the Snuggles bear said "Yay!! I'll make the bath towels!! Yeeee!" And Gritty, the sandpaper spokesman said, "Beach towels? I got this."

Another difference is bath towels are often one solid color and beach towels are an eyesore of bright colors, usually advertising your likes. A bath towel tells people, "This shade of blue compliments the border in the bathroom" and a beach towel tells people, "I like The Six Million Dollar Man!!!"

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

The Body of Christ

It's said in the Bible that the church is the body of Christ and each person plays a different role. Some are the hands, some are the feet, some are even the mouth.

And yes, some are the appendix: Nobody really knows what they're for or what they do and once in a while for no reason they just blow up.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Boo!!! That's Not Me!! Boo!!

We've all seen it where some poor comic is onstage, says where they're from, and they get booed for it. They get booed for being from somewhere else!

"I'm from Chicago."

"I'm from New York."

Who's booing cities? "Boo!!! That's not MY hometown! Boooooo! I don't agree with that city at all!"

Do these people do this with everything they encounter in life that's different? And why is it OK to boo someone from a different city if they're on stage but not if we meet them at a party? Why is one acceptable and the other isn't?

It's not like you meet someone at a dinner party and they say "Hi, my name's Bob."

No one is responding with, "Bob? BOOOOOOOOOOO!! That's not MY name. Boooo, Bob! Boooooooooo!"

But I think it would be fun.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Prove It

It's weird when people ask what I do and I tell them I do comedy. I think it's the only profession you can have that actually requires proof from other people.

"You're a comedian? Say something funny."

I highly doubt they do this with everyone they meet.

"So, you're a doctor, huh? Take out my appendix."

No fair.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Who Doesn't Love a Game Where You Get to Punch Your Friends?

I hate riding in a car with someone and not realizing they have started playing "perdiddle" without me (you know...the game where you see a car with one headlight out and as a reward you get to beat on your buddy). In fact, I usually don't even know the game is afoot until they punch me in the arm. I hate those punching games. I always forget we're playing. I guess I'm bad at that game because I'm not some psycho looking for an excuse to punch my date. Yes, that's right. I have been on dates in the past -- first dates, mind you -- and found myself on the losing end of this game. Sure, go ahead, punch the guy about to buy you dinner. That'll ensure I call you for date #2.

It's just not a good game to play with me because when I get surprised I tend to shout nonsense like "Caterpillars wearing sweaters!"Once on a first date the girl and I were in the car and we approached one of the aforementioned cars with one headlight out. And that was probably the last time she ever started a game of "perdiddle" unannounced. Because apparently I don't know "how to play nicely."

Driving down the road and she just punches me full on. She yelled, "Perdiddle!" and slugged me and at the same time I yelled, "You stupid fat idiot!"

Obviously, I forgot girls don't like to be called "fat."

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Today's Forecast: Bitter

I can't believe some of the jobs that are out there actually require you to go to college to perform them. Like Weather Man School. How hard can that be?

Can you look at a computer screen and point at the arrows?
If we show you numbers on a screen like "85" and "74" can you read them and say them out loud?
Can you get a suit?

If you answered "yes" to these questions the congratulations, you're valedictorian.

And I know the final exam had to have been rough.

Here's a cartoon picture of a cloud. Is it going to be

A) Cloudy
B) Sunny
C) Windy
D) Apple Jacks

Come on. I could totally do that! And these weather guys have to realize this. Not every job is one that I could walk into tonight without any training and do it just as well.

Bus driver? No way I could do that. I couldn't steer that big moose of a bus around a corner without taking out a lamppost and a small child.

Waiter? No way. Too stressful. I have respect for those guys.

Weatherman? Please. I could read numbers when I was four. Today, 74 degrees. Done. Where's my check?

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Quote Me on This

I've noticed in a lot of conversations how people love quoting other people and start off by saying "Quote"...but then never close the quotes. I guess it's not always necessary because with inflection and pauses (two things that translate very well on a blog) most people know when you've stopped quoting your source. And besides, "Close Quote" just sounds weird.

But I want to start using "close quotes" in my every day conversations-- even though I know the more-common thing to say is "end quote." But I want to use "close quotes" in a way that entertains me. Like without using the opening "quote" and also without quoting anything at all.

"Yesterday I had to go to CVS to get some shampoo and batteries. The parking there is weird. Close quote."

I'd also like to start using "Quote" and then just keep carrying on the conversation like nothing happened.

"The lady at the counter was really grumpy. Quote: I left and decided to stop off at work on the way home to print off some spreadsheets so I could look over them away from the office."

And then, like 20 minutes later, I would throw in a "close quote." But I would say it after someone else finished talking.

Grammar is fun!

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Guess Who?

I like how the Culligan Man always declares his entrance when entering a home. In all of the commercials, he never knocks, he just opens the front door, walks in, and announces, "Culligan Man!"

I think it would be fun if everyone adapted this process. I would walk into a restaurant and shout, "Hungry Mexican!" or enter a department store and declare, "Guy looking for a jacket!" or go into Staples and say, "Cheapskate looking for small items that will fit in my pocket!" or go to the movies and yell, "I have snacks hidden under my shirt!"

That way everyone knows who everyone else is and we can go on from there.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Of Snoop, Tom Cruise, & "The Price is Right"

You know who's a real genius is Snoop Dogg. That guy doesn't do anything and he's rich. Once in a while he'll mumble a verse in somebody else's song or have a cameo in a movie and he's a star. And let's be honest. He's not really a very good rapper. "A zibba zibba doh. A zibba zibba boh. Dizzle."

This dude made up his own fantasy language and no one ever questioned his sanity for a second! "OK, my people, from now on I'm speaking in my own secret language I made up where everything rhymes with "izzle.'"

Snoop doesn't want a glass of milk, he wants a "glizzle of mizzle." Snoop doesn't eat Frosted Flakes or Honeycomb for breakfast, he eats "Frizzled Flizzles" and "Honeykizzle." Snoop doesn't include a self-addressed stamped envelope but a self-adrizzled stizzled envelizzle.

This is how crazy people talk! The only thing "genius" about it is Snoop found a way to be crazy and make it cool. But I guess famous people are allowed to be crazy. We don't care. Just keep us entertained.

And the king of Mt. Crazy right now is Tom Cruise. The Scientologist. This is a man whose beliefs are based on a bad science fiction book. For real. Not even making that up.

Basically, here's what Scientologists believe: All humans have aliens in their blood. OK, they aren't aliens per se but we have part alien pumping through us and Scientology is the process of cleansing ourselves so we can get all the alien parts out and become pure human and reach the uppermost level of existence. And can I please give you a stress test on the subway.

Tom Cruise believes this! The man who got on Brooke Shields' case for taking aspirin. Ha! Aspirin. That's crazy! You must be crazy, Brooke Shields! You must be crazy, Brooke Shields, if you think that's gonna help get the aliens out of your head! Ha! You're dumb!

Tom Cruise is climbing the cliffs of insanity and all I can do is stand back and watch. He's just climbing away, yodeling like that little guy on that Price is Right game. Yodel-ee-oh-ee-oh!

How has this show lasted as long as it has? It's basically adults playing games that would be better suited for a third grader's birthday party. How in the world did PLINKO get to be so big? "Hey guys, let's take a huge slab of plywood, pound a bunch of nails into it, and then have people drop coasters on it and see what craziness happens."

And the audience loves it! Drew says, "We're going to play PLINKO" and the crowd is just like "RAAAAAAAAA!!!!! OH MY GOD IT'S PLINKOOOO!!!"

Of course, my favorite part of The Price is Right is the Showcase Showdown where you have the lady who could roll big fuzzy dice from the first half of the show up against the lady who made a 2"-putt from the second half of the show.


They actually have a game where you have to guess the price of an item and if you're wrong they tell you "higher" or "lower." All you need to play this game is a basic understanding of numbers. And then there's always this idiot:


OK....back to the Showcase Showdown.

There are two different showcases to choose from. They show the first showcase and Drew asks the first lady if she still wants to bid on it or pass it off to the second lady and the second lady always gets screwed because one of the showcases always has a new car but only one of them has a new car and the other showcase is extremely lame.

So the first one is like, "Oh hey, it's a Labor Day theme and it's time to cook out...on your new hibachi!!! And we don't want to make a mess so our girls are eating on...wicker paper plate holders!!! But what kind of barbecue would it be without...four pounds of goat meat!!! All of these items can be yours if the price is right!"

And Drew goes to the first lady and says, "Do you want to bid or pass?" and already the second lady has this look on her face like "Son of a...." So the first lady passes and goes on to bid on a lovely showcase that includes a new car, a hot tub, an RV, and the spokesmodel Janice. And #2 over here is stuck with what can only be described as a "shitcase."

And this is the true beauty of what we have come to know as The Price is Right.