Daring to Flirt

you know me, what I'm about to tell you might come as quite a surprise. If you really know me, though, it probably won't. I've never ever openly flirted with someone before; someone I didn't know. I may have exchanged a smile or a polite hello or carried on chitchat with a cashier once or twice, but my intention is usually just to be friendly. I've never been one of those guys who can go up to a complete stranger and strike up a conversation.

The fact of the matter is, when it comes to talking to the opposite sex, I'm extremely shy. I guess I should clarify because most of my friends never see that side of me. But that's just it. You're my friends. It's strangers that I have trouble with. But if you think back very hard to the time you and I first met, you may recall that initially I was quite reserved. I have to warm up to someone and get a feel as to how much Ed they can take, I guess.

I say all that to tell you this: Today I decided I was going to openly flirt for the very first time in my thirty-six years. It all happened while I was out by myself at a Chinese restaurant. It was about 3:00, so the lunch rush was over and the dinner rush hadn't even started thinking about kicking in. I found myself entirely alone in the restaurant; not another customer in the place.

I was greeted by a cute Chinese girl who was working as hostess/waitress/manager and she had a nice smile and really pretty, dark brown eyes. I made my way to the buffet, filled up a plate, and sat down to eat. After a minute or two, she also went to the buffet, got a plate of food, and made her way to the far corner to eat. She would come over every so often to see if I needed another soda, smile, and then make her way back to her seat.

I observed her while she ate. Not in a creepy stalker way, but because it was either look at her or look at the wall. I noticed she didn't look up very often. Sometimes she would take a bite of food, swallow it, and then just kind of stare at the tabletop. I wondered what she was thinking about. And then I noticed that I was doing the same thing. I would eat a few bites of food and then find myself zoned out and staring at the empty seat across from me. I wondered if she noticed me and if she wondered what I was thinking about. Or if, in the silence of the restaurant, I just kind of melted into the background.

It was during this time I decided I would try to flirt with a stranger for the very first time. I'd never done it before, so I didn't even know if it was a power I had. I've never ever talked to a girl I thought was cute just up and out of the blue but I figured this would be as good a time as any. I was under no misconception that I would say or do something that would make her swoon and we would end up driving off into the sunset...I just wanted to see if I could. Other guys can do it, why can't I? Why haven't I?

But it had to be real; I wanted it to be genuine. I didn't want to just throw a line out there like an overeager fisherman. And I also didn't want to come off as the sleazy jerk hitting on the waitress. After all, the food there is really good and I didn't want to become "that guy."

I started to talk myself into it. Would I actually be able to go through with it? Or would it just be like every other time where I tell myself I'm going to do it and then, in the moment of truth, I chicken out? I opened my fortune cookie and it read, "Your present plans will be successful."

Cool.

I stood up and put on my jacket. She noticed me and made her way to the cash register. and I got really nervous. Doing stand-up in front of 350 strangers is cake compared to this.

And this is how it went:

Her: Was everything OK?
Me: Everything was really good.
Her: (smiles) Good.
Me: Do you mind if I ask your name?
Her: Jenny.
Me: Jenny?
Her: Yes.
Me: Jenny, you have really pretty eyes. (I didn't tell her this in a Barry White/Ladies Man-type way, but just stated it friendly and matter-of-factly like I was telling her it was a nice day outside)

Jenny looked down and didn't say anything. And then I decided I'm an ass.

Jenny counted out my change and I was filled with self-loathing. I thought everything I said came out sounding genuine (she really did have pretty eyes) and not-at-all cheesy but what do I know. I'm a big dumb guy.

She handed me my change and I thanked her. She still didn't say anything. I smiled and turned to walk out the door. As I pushed it open I heard her say "Thank you." I smiled at her, nodded, and continued out and then she said it again.

"Thank you."

Two thank yous. I guess it could have gone worse.

Simon...Do We Have A Deal?

Ok, Mr. Cowell, here's my proposal:

I promise I'll keep watching American Idol if you promise you'll no longer put Paula Abdul on-camera if she's stoned out of her gourd.

Just thought I'd throw that out there.

HAPPY FEET An extensive movie review of the third animated film nominated for an Oscar

More like Crappy Feet.

August (Not In A) Rush

Almost a year ago I did some extra work on August Rush, a film starring Jonathan Rhys Myers, Keri Russell, Robin Williams, Freddie Highmore, and Terrance Howard. I spent four freeeeeeeeezing nights in Central Park from 11pm to 6am and the scenes they shot with us were some of the last scenes they were shooting.

I just checked the Internet Movie Database to see when in the world this film is coming out, as I haven't seen any trailers or anything for it. They don't have any trailers listed, no picture or image for the film, and the release date they have only says "February 2007."

What a bunch of liars.

I also looked up the only other project I worked on while in New York that still hasn't come out, a film entitled Devil You Know starring Lena Olin. Imagine my surprise when I saw that the release date was "2006" and it only played in New York City. No box office stats or anything. It is my suspicion this little gem was probably a direct-to-video deal gone awry, but I haven't been able to find anything else on it at IMDb.com or Amazon.com.

Let's go, film people. You've had a year. Ed's tired of waiting.

Fridge Decor

This morning while waiting for my Dad to pick me up for work I decided to tidy up the decor on my refrigerator. I have two surfaces to work with...the front and one side. I put up a few things I have gathered during my time in Indiana (mostly photos of my niece and a few friends) and took down a few things as well (some recipes from Men's Health and newspaper clippings).

Because I don't have a digital camera anymore (alas and alack) I'll let you know what's what. The side of the fridge is mostly covered by a map of the NY subway system. It also contains the McBob Annual Christmas Update, a program from the National Comedy Theatre, and the cast roster from my final show at the NCT.

The front of the fridge features photos of the Sattisons, the Blowers, the McRobertses, and the Bishops. There's also a promotional postcard from the NCT and some artwork (one by my niece Valencia, and one by my buddy Adi).

I'd like more, though, so I think you should send me items (photos, something you drew, postcards, cash money) to add to the beauty. You know my address. If you don't, drop me a line. Let's turn this mother out.

Uncle Joe's Quote of the Day - NASCAR Edition

Today I went over to my Uncle Joe and Aunt Sue's house for a fish fry. NASCAR hullabaloo was on the TV and Uncle Joe stated:

"NASCAR is just 43 hillbillies chasing a redneck."

Well put, Uncle Joe.

An Inconvenient Movie

An Inconvenient Truth is a movie nominated for an Oscar for Best Documentary Feature, explaining the dangers of global warming. It is produced and narrated by Al Gore. It's basically the filming of a long lecture on global warming done by Al Gore, with various shots of Al Gore in between trying to save the world.

There is a reason Al Gore has a reputation for being boring.

This movie sucks. Not because of the content, but because Al Gore bores the everliving crap out of me. I tried, I really did, to be interested and listen to the facts, but when they're being given to you by a man with as much charisma as a week-old dog turd, it's a little hard to focus and pay attention. This blog is in no way affected by my personal opinion of Al Gore. The fact of the matter is, he's freakin' boring.

Sorry. This film may have information I need to know, but I'm not getting it this way. I stopped 25 minutes into the movie and can't take any more of it. The worst part of it is the fact that this will probably win the Academy Award for its category. Not because of its brilliant and intriguing storytelling or its revelation of hidden facts, but because Al Gore is popular with Hollywood and he didn't win the presidency. I submit to the jury that the Academy Award this "film" is almost certain to win will be Al Gore's presidential consolation prize.

And I won't have any part of it. Life is too short to mix politics with pleasure. And this film isn't even pleasant.

A Week From Tonight. And I Don't Care

The Oscar Awards are next Sunday, and I honestly couldn't care less. I can't remember being less enthused for the big shoo. Maybe it's because I haven't seen many of the nominees this year. Maybe it's because I don't really want to see many of the nominees this year. Or maybe it's just because there haven't been many movies to get excited about lately.

Of the Best Picture nominees, I saw The Departed (pretty good) and Little Miss Sunshine (amazing). I know LMS isn't going to win, though, and so I honestly don't care who does.

The category I'm most excited about? Best Animated Feature. This is the category they got right this time around, as all of the movies are deserving.

Cars was my least favorite of the Pixar films (I'll be the first to admit that I equate car racing with mullets and rednecks, so it already had that going against it) but the animation in itself was amazing.

Monster House was just fun. Fun, fun, fun. I definitely liked it much more than Cars. Sorry, Pixar. You know I still love you.

I just finished watching Flushed Away and maybe it's just because it's freshest in my mind, but it is my personal favorite of the three. And I didn't even want to see it because I never got into the Wallace & Grommitt series. I know that's heresy with some people, but I just couldn't find them entertaining, and this film is by the same guy. Maybe it was because I was expecting so little that I enjoyed it so much. I laughed out loud numerous times and that's always a plus with me. Definitely the kind of movie that will need repeated viewing (and a good knowledge of European life) to catch all of the numerous jokes that are tucked away in there.

I'm sure the Oscar ceremony will be fun to watch but when all is said and done...well...let's just say Ed's not having an Oscar party this year. And if I did have one, who would show up?

This is Indiana. If there's not a ball involved, there's not much interest.

No Doves for Me

Still looking back at my old emails from my expired email account and found this little gem. I sent this to Missy Zahn at the Gospel Music Association in February 2004. Her response is below.

From: ED
Sent: Wednesday, February 25, 2004 2:28 PM
To: Undisclosed-Recipient:;
Subject: TOP 10 REASONS WHY I, ED PLACENCIA, SHOULD HOST THE 2004 DOVE AWARDS

TOP 10 REASONS WHY I, ED PLACENCIA, SHOULD HOST THE 2004 DOVE AWARDS

10. Experience in improv will come in handy when Carman rushes the stage
9. Would never pronounce Jaci Velasquez "Mizz...Valice-gezz"
8. I'm often mistaken as the 6th Katina
7. Would invite Out of Eden on-stage for a DDR Max Dance competition
6. Promise to keep the Steven-Curtis-wearing-a-kimono jokes to a minimum
5. Would never think of opening the show with a song and dance number like that hack Billy Crystal
4. When's the last time a Mexican stepped foot on stage at the Doves? (besides Salvador)
3. Halfway through the show, we vote one of the Avalon members off the island
2. Will maintain my court-ordered 20-yard distance from Mac Powell at all times
1. It's 2004. Let's shake things up.

From: Missy Zahn
To: ED
Sent: Wednesday, February 25, 2004 3:49 PM
Subject: RE: TOP 10 REASONS WHY I, ED PLACENCIA, SHOULD HOST THE 2004 DOVE AWARDS

Very creative! We enjoyed the ideas. I'll forward it to our producers =)

Missy

Needless to say, I never heard back from "the producers." And as I think about it, I don't think they actually ever existed.

Pop Culture Hurts My Head

If you're not familiar with VH1's World Series of Pop Culture, it's basically just what it sounds like. A quiz show about pop culture. And I often found myself shouting answers at the screen and not believing these people actually made it onto the show.

Thanks to a "heads up" from mi amiga Libby, I was able to partake in an online test tonight to try to qualify to become a contestant on the show. It was a timed test with six sections. They would be taking the people who scored in the top 5 percent and then choosing 50 contestants at random from that pool.

I just finished taking the test. My head hurts. The questions were much harder than I remember them being on TV, but I guess it has to be like that to weed out the chaff. My worst section of the test was a portion where they take a movie or episode of a TV show and give you a basic summary of the plot and you have to choose the one word in the paragraph that is wrong. Much to my chagrin, they gave summaries of TV shows I didn't watch (Cheers, Saved by the Bell, Ally McBeal) and movies I had no time for (Broadcast News, Boogie Nights). Thankfully that portion was multiple choice. I'll tell you right now, if I don't win, I know what section was my downfall.

The other five sections I rocked in. I mean for real. I honestly don't think I missed any other questions. I knew the lyrics to the theme from Growing Pains, I knew that Benicio Del Toro was in Big Top Pee Wee, I knew the lyrics to Pink's "Get this Party Started", I knew the original band name of R.E.M., and I knew how many fingers Homer Simpson has on both hands (including thumbs).

So if they pick me, cool. If not, that's cool too. I'm not expecting anything at all, but those of you who know me know how much I love trivia, so it was a nice little diversion and something to do. Now I'm just waiting 10 more minutes so I can watch "Lost" (I had to turn off the TV so as not to be distracted, thus I was unable to watch the episode as it aired and will have to resort to watching it recorded via VHS).

I know what you're thinking, and you're right. Libby and I both stayed inside on Valentine's Day to take an internet quiz and then watch "Lost."

Alone.

That's right. We are the coolest people ever.

Phone Calls to Make One's Day

Two phone calls today.

The first was a conference call with Julie, Libby, and Tom. I hadn't spoken on the phone to Julie & Libby since my old radio promoter days and had almost forgotten how much fun they are. It was my first time speaking with Tom and the three of them together was a good time indeed. It was the next best thing to hanging out in person with three people who love to joke around and laugh.

A couple of hours later I called back to wish Libby a Happy Valentine's Day. We ended up talking about everything from Hurricane Katrina to the VH1 World Series of Pop Culture and everything else in between. It was a good time indeed.

If you have a friend you haven't spoken to in a long time and/or have fallen out of touch with, I highly recommend giving them a buzz or dropping them a line. It'll do your heart good and bring on the smiles.

White Night

I was just finishing up some radio spots for my pal Lisa and happened to notice the clock. I couldn't believe it was past 11 since it's still light outside the window. Or at least I thought it was. It's actually just snowing so much that the sky is an almost luminescent white color, as is everything else outside that is covered with snow.

Weird. Definitely not looking forward to going out in this stuff tomorrow.

My Secret Admirer!

Yesterday I found a plastic bag hanging on my front door. Inside were six huge heart-shaped cookies covered in frosting and pink sprinkles.

And that was it. No note. No clues. Who would leave me such a treat? Is it possible someone has had their eye on me and my horrible male radar never picked up on it?

The plastic bag was from Meijer, a grocery store chain in this area...but not one near my house. So it had to have been someone who goes to Ft Wayne to do shopping. But who?

I have to admit, my first thought was the girl I blogged about last week and I really didn't want that to be the case. Really really. I put the bag of cookies on my kitchen table and decided not to eat them for fear they would be poisoned with craziness.

Later that day I was at a basketball game and my sister-in-law Piper asked me if I got the cookies my mom dropped off for me.

Mom.

How quickly I forget that I am back home again.

On one hand I was happy because they were from Mom and that meant I could eat the cookies. On the other hand, it meant they were from Mom, and not from Jennifer Aniston.

Calling Me Be My Wrong Name

A few people recently have asked me if they should call me Ed or Eddie. For most of you who live out-of-state, that's never been a problem. You know me by one of those names and that's all you ever hear people call me. But here at home, it is a bit of a dilemma.

I'll try to explain. Most people who have known me since childhood call me Eddie. My family (except Dad, who's pretty much always called me Ed), my friends, and people I went to school with. But now when I meet people I introduce myself as Ed. And when they get near my family, that's when the confusion starts because they hear everyone else calling me Eddie. And then they ask me which I prefer.

I guess I don't really have a preference. Whatever you call me is what you call me. But when you call me by the name you don't usually use, that's when it sounds weird. And a couple of times I've actually caught myself signing an email or message with the wrong name and gone back to correct it, most recently with Julie and Libby. So if I ever sign the wrong name when I write you, please forgive me. Sometimes it's hard to remember who calls me what.

All of my friends in Pennsylvania call me Eddie. When I was on the air there, that's the name I went by and how I came to be known. But if someone from PA would call me Ed, that would just sound weird. Likewise if my Nashville or New York friends were to call me Eddie. It just doesn't fit.

So Ed...Eddie...it doesn't much matter. Just pick one and stick with it. But ladies, you can still call me Pablo.

Oh....

Today I went to a high school basketball game and learned what to do and what not to do the next time I am invited to sing the National Anthem at a sporting event.

1. Do not forget the words or sing the same verse twice.

2. If you happen to forget step 1 and sing the wrong words, be sure to take the microphone away from your mouth before pausing....waiting...and then mumbling "Oh....crap."

"The Failures of Ed" Update

Just an update to let you know the status of the short film I mentioned I was working on last week. Instead of boring you with a summary, I find bullet points are much more exciting!!

* This film will debut the name of my new production company. The name won't mean anything to anyone except for those people who know their History of Ed. One of the pictures in my MySpace photos is labeled "Garrett, August 1980." If you know the story behind that photo, then the name might make sense. Otherwise...just another production company.

* Seven scenes have been shot. Total running time so far is 2m40s.

* Another cameo appearance by a former co-worker of mine at WJTL.

* Shooting will continue in downtown Auburn IN this weekend.

* Only one scene (so far) has dialog.

* A friend has been contacted about writing original music for the short film but nothing has been confirmed, thus I shall refrain from naming names.

So there you go. Some leaks directly from the set to my favorite friends in the whole wide world. Do with this info what you will (i.e. notify Entertainment Tonight and Lorne Michaels and Marci Klein at Saturday Night Live).

More to follow...

Who ARE these people?

People are spying on me. And I wish they had the guts to step forward and identify themselves instead of lurking in the background.

Ramblings of a paranoid delusionsal? Not this time.

I have that little Trakzor thing that monitors who visits my MySpace page, when they visit, and where they're from. Trakzor doesn't tell me who visits, but because it tells me what time they visit and what city they're in, using a little detective work I can usually figure it who it is. For example, my brother left me a comment last week. So I went to see what time he left the comment and checked with Trakzor to see who visited my page at that time. Sure enough it said someone from Garrett visited me at the same time, so I was able to identify him.

But there are a couple of people who visit my page on a regular basis who for some reason have refused to ever contact me or leave me a message. And so now it's time I call them out:

Ft Wayne, In: Someone from Ft Wayne visited my page 3 times so far today: at 8:21am, 1:25pm, and 4:02pm. This person visits my page on average about 4 times a day. Every day.

Charlotte, TN: This person doesn't visit as much as the person from Ft wayne, but still....they visit a lot. And I have no idea where Charlotte is, which is why this one always stood out.

Nashville, TN: This mystery person has slowed down ther visits as of late, but at one point it got me very curious. They were visiting sometimes as often as 8 times a day. They usually visit bewteen midnight and 1am.

Mesa, AZ: I actually think this person who also usually visits me late at night is my cousin Rich. But he never leaves me a message so I can't be sure. Rich, if you read this, step up, bro.

As for the rest of you...who are you? And why don't you ever message me? There's something that brings you back day in and day out, but apparently nothing intriguing enough to inspire you to come out from behind your mouse pad and 'fess up. I have some suspiscions and some theories, but they're just that.

Come on. stand up and be counted. I double dog dare ya.

The Balance of Anna and Indy

There are some people who maintain the belief that there is only so much good and evil in the universe, only a certain amount of room to hold these two entities, and it is the job of the universe to uphold that balance. Many people who hold this belief are a little...I don't know, let's say "touched." Johnny Depp's character in Once Upon A Time In Mexico is a prime example. At a Mexican restaurant he enjoys a dish (Puerco Pibil, in case you're interested. And yes, I know how to make it) that is so good he feels the only way to balance it out is to kill the chef. Something as extraordinary as this pork dish cannot exist in the world without something else good in the world paying the price for it.

I'm not trying to be offensive or insensitive. It's not my intention to say something controversial just to say it and be controversial. But I have to be honest with you, my friends and faithful readers, when I say I was reminded of the balance between good and...not so good today when I saw two very different headlines. It was honestly the first thing that came to mind. I shall present the headlines to you and then let you be the judge on whether or not there really is a battle for this balance being fought.

"Anna Nicole Smith found dead."

"Release date for 4th Indiana Jones movie announced."

Balance, people. It's all about balance.

Snubbed!!!

Maybe you didn't notice, but one of the films nominated for an Academy Award this year in the Best Costume Design category is The Devil Wears Prada. And maybe you also didn't notice I was in that film. Granted, it takes a freeze frame to see me, but I was in it nonetheless. And since I was required to bring my own wardrobe to the four scenes I was in, I feel it only fair that I should have been listed as one of the nominees. Right? I mean, if I wore my own clothes, thus adding to the feel of the film, and the film in turn gets recognized for everyone's clothes, am I not due an equal opportunity to bring home a gold statue? Or at the very least attend the ceremony?

Alas, as of this writing I have not received an invitation to the awards presentation. I'm not holding out hope. And something tells me I also shouldn't expect to be thanked in the acceptance speech should Prada win in this category.

But it's OK. Really. It's an honor just to not be nominated.

LOST is found

Don't worry. If you live on the West Coast and haven't seen tonight's episode of "Lost" yet, I'm not going to ruin anything for you. But I will say this:

I was really disappointed in the third season. The first two seasons kicked my butt and I couldn't get enough. With season three, it felt like not only were they not giving enough, but they weren't giving anything. After a long hiatus, the show is back and, in my humble opinion, back on track.

I'm not going to over-hype it and say it was the best episode ever. I'm just going to say I'm excited to find out what happens next. Finally.

Warning

There's a very comforting ad on TV for Lunestra featuring a magical butterfly. It's one of those new cool drugs to help you fall asleep. And, as is always the case, it comes with a long list of side effects (that don't seem nearly as bad when read to you in a gentle narrator's voice). Next time you see the commercial, pay attention; I'm not making this up. One of the side effects for this pill designed to help you fall asleep is -- ready for this? -- drowsiness. Careful, people, this sleeping pill might make you feel tired.

Hey, Lunestra company! You're idiots! Idiots!!

Brad Moist would be proud

When I was working at Gotee Records I had the pleasure of working with a guy named Brad Moist. Brad, for those of you who don't know, is the king of air guitar. He always had music coming from his desk and whether you were passing by on your way to the back room or he was wandering the office, he was usually armed with his air guitar./

One of my little quirks you may (or may not) have noticed if you've spent any time around me is how easily I absorb little quirks from people I hang around with. I got "Good night" from Jack in Atlanta, overuse of the word "embrace" from Phil in Lancaster, "Duuuuude" from my Uncle John in California, "I know!" and "Iiieeee!" from JT and Chris in New York (respectively), and I got my air guitar from Brad in Nashville. ..

Work lately here in Indiana has been slow and when work gets slow, that means money gets tight. And when money gets tight, I whip out Guitar Hero 2 for the PS2. Not only is it good at keeping me inside and not spending money (which is easy to do around here since there's nothing to do in Auburn except spending money), it also helps me perfect my air guitar abilities.

For those of you familiar with the game, not only have I gotten five stars on every song on the easy and medium levels, but have gotten five gold stars (which means a 100% perfect performance) on the entire easy level and nearly all of the medium level.

What, you may ask, is a Guitar Hero? You're lookin' at one.

YEA, COLTS!!!!

I can hear you now. "What? Ed's blogging about sports?" Well, I must admit, I'm very glad the Colts won. Not necessarily because I'm a huge fan of them or the sport, but because my brother is, and when they lose, he's no fun to be around.

So way to go Colts!! That means Ray will be enjoyable for the next few weeks!

BOO!!!!

How have I only today discovered the TV show, "Ghost Hunters?" Probably because it's on the SciFi Channel and I'm not a geek.

I was flipping through channels this afternoon, caught part of an episode, and was hooked. And wouldn't you know it, it was part of an all-day "Ghost Hunters" marathon!!

I've never seen a ghost and can't say I believe in them, but I've always wanted to see one. So to live vicariously through these guys who go from place to place trying to disprove the fact that places are haunted (and sometimes coming away with some pretty startling footage), it was a fun afternoon/evening.

The marathon ended with an episode about the guys traveling to Ireland to investigate a castle that was built in the year 400 AD and is reportedly home to over 20 ghosts. By the end of the hour I was more than a little spooked.

Good times! Where do I sign up?

-4??

I just happened to look down at the thermometer and noticed that it's -4 degrees here in Indiana right now. That's a four with a dash in front of it. As in freezing, minus 36 degrees.

Someone please remind me why I came back to Indiana. In the meantime, I won't be leaving the house until June.

"The Failures of Ed"

Just a heads up to let you know tonight I began shooting my latest short film, tentatively titled The Failures of Ed. It'll be a comedic short (of course) and I'll be posting it at a secret location online when it is complete.

If you'd like me to let you know where to find it, leave me a comment here or drop me a line and I'll make sure you're in The Loop.

You heard it here first.

A PRAYER FOR 2007

Dear God/Buddha/Allah/Great Spirit/Higher Being/Tom Cruise,

I have so many things to thank you for. Not only for revealing your true self to me, but for the many different ways you have chosen to make yourself known. The Bible. The Torah. The Koran. The magical book written in stone that you need those special glasses for to read. And L Ron Hubbard.

I come to you with a humble heart. But not so humble that I forsake my identity as the true goddess I am. Thank you for helping me see I am a goddess and also for the beads and jewelry that direct my inner chi and focus my energy and aura. Thank you also for making auras different colors so I can tell what mood I am in.

Thank you for the Tao. Doing nothing for you is so much easier than doing something.

Thank you for the Kabbalah and for making it cool to believe in a religion. Thank you for using Madonna as a vessel to make my faith fashionable. Thanks also for the fact that not only is my religion cool, but it also comes with nifty bracelets.

Thank you for Mother Earth and all of her wonder. Thank you for helping me realize that not only is nature important in the circle of life, but a single blade of grass is more important than I am.

I thank you, Mighty Creator, that you are the parent I always wished I had and that your gender is determined by the latest majority outlook.

I thank you for Jesus, who may or may not have existed and whose possible sacrifice doesn't necessarily ensure my salvation unless that's what I choose to believe as long as it doesn't encroach upon the beliefs of others around me or offend them in any way, in which case I thank you for the possibility of Jesus who was definitely maybe more than a prophet and good man but not in a threatening way. Thank you for putting the "Christ" in Christmas and thank you for letting us take him back out if that's not what we're into.

Finally, thank you most of all for the freedom you've given me and how I choose to believe in you. I know that it's not necessarily what I believe in that counts; just the fact that I believe something is good enough. And if, somehow, I have strayed from your purpose and intent I ask that you show me the way. Just as long as it's not any different from the way I'm already doing it.

Amen.

Helplessly Empathetic

As much as I hate being bummed out and having a crappy day, I hate it more when it happens to my friends. I find it frustrating when I want to say some magical combination of words that will make everything better, put it all into perspective, and the hurting will instantly end.

But that never happens. Never.

So the only other thing I think of to do is just kind of wait and try to be there for them. Sometimes that's all a person needs, but it doesn't always feel like I'm helping out much.

THAT'S your slogan???

I was watching television today and a commercial came on for zit cream. With so much going on in our lives, advertisers have to get our attention as soon as they can and this product had an interesting way of going about it. The opening line in the commercial was, and I quote:

"It's hard to face your problem, when your problem is your face."

That's not an ad slogan. That's something my brother would say to me.

Well done, Madison Avenue. Well done.

Um...Thanks, But No Thanks, Sundance

Right now the Sundance Film Festival is going on out west. It's something I've always been very interested in and it's always been a small dream of mine to take part one day.

You can imagine my excitement when I heard they were putting all of the short films in this year's festival online to watch for free. Way to go, Sundance! I decided since I didn't have any plans for the evening I would stay home and watch Sundance movies and feel like I was in on something cool.

I watched five of them, chosen at random, and I think I'm done watching Sundance movies. Let me put it this way: If I ever tell you I have a short film that has been accepted into and will be viewed at Sundance, it basically means I've made a horribly boring, non-sensical, "look how arty I am" steaming pile of crap. With bad acting.

What a letdown. I might as well have re-watched Lady in the Water. At least then I would have known going into it that my time was going to be majorly wasted.

The Pepsi Showdown

Today a waitress tried to make me drink Pepsi.

I was at a local dive for lunch and ordered the cheeseburger special. When it came time to order my drink, I asked what kinds of soda they served. She answered, "Pepsi products."

Thus begins my dilemma. Maybe I'm the only one that has noticed this, but I have found on more and more occasions that even though Dr Pepper is a Pepsi product (It is. Trust me. I looked it up.), a lot of places that carry Pepsi products don't carry Dr Pepper. Why this is, I have no idea, but someone needs to bring this up at the next meeting.

I asked the waitress if they had Dr Pepper, and she said no. "What do you have besides Pepsi and Diet Pepsi?" I asked. You know. Because I hate Pepsi.

She said, "We have Pepsi*, Diet Pepsi**, Mountain Dew***, raspberry tea*****, and iced tea.*****"

Fine, I thought. "I'll have a water."

"It comes with a pop."

"That's OK, water is fine."

She got mad. "But you get a Pepsi if you want it."

Guess what, lady? I know. Today isn't the day to try to serve me something I don't want. Just bring me the water, and everything will be fine. Juuuuuuust fine.

*I said besides Pepsi.
** I also said besides Diet Pepsi. Way to listen.
*** What am I, six?
**** I hate cold tea as much as I hate Pepsi.
***** But I hate regular iced tea more than them all.

How to tell Ed is sick (A test)

Am I loopy from NyQuil? _X_Yes ____No

Do I smell like Vap-O-Rub? _X_Yes ____No

Is my apartment littered with wadded-up Kleenex? _X_Yes ____No

Do I need a shave? _X_Yes ____No

Is my hair funked up? _X_Yes ____No

Am I irritable? _X_Yes ____No

Have I coughed up enough phlegm to fill a coffee can? _X_Yes ____No

If I answered "Yes" to all 7 questions, I am sick. Go to bed.
If I answered "Yes" to 5-6 questions, I am probably sick. Drink hot tea.
If I answered "Yes" to 2-4 questions, I am probably just tired. Go to bed.
If I answered "Yes" to 1 question, I probably swallowed dust.

Judging by my test results, I should probably go to bed. 'Night.

"Read This If You're A True Friend!"

How to annoy Ed:

Post a bulletin that encourages me to re-post it, otherwise I am threatened with horrible relationships/removal from your MySpace site/bad luck/not standing up for Jesus.

I don't mind if you post a bulletin with a witty joke, humorous anecdote, or a fun survey. I often read them. But the mood is always destroyed when I reach the bottom and find out I'm not allowed to just enjoy it; I also have a homework assignment. "Pass it on!" "You would if you were a true friend!" "Jesus died for your sins, the least you could do is re-post this." (Just to serve as a head's up: If you post these things with the gentle threats included, each time I read them I hate you a little more inside.)

I've suddenly found myself in conditional relationships. This only happens online, mind you. Never has anyone had the gall to do this to me in person. "Hey Ed, I have a funny joke for you. But I'm not going to tell it to you unless you promise to pass it on to three friends in less than 2 hours, or else you won't find true happiness for the next ten years."

I'll take my chances, ya dumb geek.

The Reading Railroad 2006

At the beginning of 2006 I posted a blog where I listed all of the books I read in 2005 and resolved to try to read more books this year than last (27 was the number to beat). About a month and a half ago I realized I probably wasn't going to make it and suddenly went on a reading rampage (thanks in part to my speed reading skills I developed in early '06).

I did it, and I make the same resolution this year; more books in '07 than in '06. My buddies Lane and Shayne both told me how many books they were able to read in a year's time, and it was a number much greater than what I accomplished in '06, so I shouldn't be sweating it.

I'm starting off the year with a book that came highly recommended and am looking forward to another year of page-turnin' fun. For those of you keeping score, here's what I read in '06. Happy New Year!

1. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince – J.K. Rowling


2. The Truth (with jokes) – Al Franken


3. Which Lie Did I Tell? – William Goldman


4. The Colorado Kid – Stephen King


5. Mirror Mirror – Gregory Maguire


6. Unexpected Development – Marlene Perez


7. Belushi – Judith Belushi Pisano and Tanner Colby


8. Layer Cake - J.J. Connolly


9. The Ha-Ha – Dave King


10. The Rant Zone – Dennis Miller


11. Naked Pictures of Famous People – Jon Stewart


12. Rock This! – Chris Rock


13. Black Jack Point – Jeff Abbott


14. The Third Translation – Matt Bondurant


15. Cell – Stephen King


16. The Night Listener – Armistead Maupin


17. The Comedy Bible – Judy Carter


18. A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Bad Beginning – Lemony Snicket


19. The Innocent – Harlan Coben


20. A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Reptile Room – Lemony Snicket


21. Tao Te Ching – Stephen Mitchell


22. 52 Pick-Up – Elmore Leonard


23. Bag of Bones – Stephen King


24. It's Always Something – Gilda Radner


25. The Phantom of the Opera – Gaston Leroux


26. Roaring Lambs – Bob Briner


27. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus – John Gray


28. Me Talk Pretty One Day – David Sedaris


29. Carrie – Stephen King

My Dream

In a couple of weeks it will be the 2-year anniversary of the death of a very close friend of mine. So much has happened since then, I find it hard to believe it's only been two years since he beat me Home.

Tonight he visited me in a dream.

In the dream I was with him as he passed, except we were nowhere near the cold Alaskan waters. He was lying on the floor of an unfamiliar kitchen and he was fortunate enough this time to slip away while the sun was still out. I was bringing him beers that were on the counter (only Aaron) and he turned to me and said, "You want to be a comedian, right?"

"Yeah," I answered him.

"Does it matter to you how big the venues are?"

"No," I answered without hesitation, "I just want to make people laugh."

Aaron smiled, and the dream disappeared.

The McBob Family Update

Each holiday season I get a number of cards, photos, and newsletters from various friends I have made in my journeys. One I especially look forward to is the by-the-numbers year-in-review I get from Justin and Amy McRoberts (or, as they chose to call it this year, "El Ano En La Revision De La Familia De McBob 2006"). Finally. Something I can understand.

But this isn't your average What Our Family Did or Year in Review. It's written in bullet form and each line begins "Number of...." Whether it's the number of airplanes they flew on, number of hours Justin stayed up before their flight to Europe, or number of concerts they had in the Dakotas in the last 8 years, their update always cracks me up and the Christmas season isn't complete until I've read - and laughed my head off at - the McBob Update.

If you've been in my house before you may have seen it on the fridge and wondered exactly what it was. Now you know. It stays up year-round so I can show off my funny San Francisco friends to all of my other friends who perhaps aren't as funny.

Yesterday I received this year's update. Now, 2007. Now you may begin.

A Very Angry Un-Edlike Rant

All I want is a *&^%$# white mocha. Is that so much to ask for?

But no.

My coffee maker broke tonight. That in itself sucks, especially since I got a bunch of coffee for Christmas.

I went to the coffee shop but it's closed due to "Winter Hours." IT'S 8:30 ON A *&^$# FRIDAY NIGHT, PEOPLE. What kind of sad excuse of a city am I living in when I can't get a *&@# cup of coffee after 8 on a $#@&* Friday &^#@* night?

I realize it's not the end of the world but can't a guy get a *$#@ coffee when he's feeling a little blue?

(More swear words and whining deleted due to Ed's better judgment)

When do the good guys catch a break? I'm tired

King Me

This week Dad informed me that he had a bunch of my old books stored away that I had left behind when I departed Indiana back in '92 to begin The Adventures of Ed. I dropped by a few days ago to pick up a box of old paperbacks that included most (but not quite all) of my Stephen King collection I had amassed over the years.

Tonight I decided I was going to revisit them and re-read them in the order they were published. The books range from 1974 up to 1995 so I am curious to see how long it takes me as the list includes some real page turners including It (1089 pages), The Stand (1178 pages), and a few more that clock in at more than 700 pages.

Although King is often criticized as too schlocky (The Tommyknockers), too violent (most of his early works), or just plain evil I regret that there are some books out there most people don't know about that are amazing in story, character development, and - believe it or not - hope of the human spirit. I mean come on, this is the guy who brought us Stand By Me and Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption (which, of course, had the title shortened for the movie).

The first on my list is Carrie. I'm don't think this was his first book; I'm thinking maybe 'Salem's Lot gets that claim, but I'm not sure and besides, that one wasn't in the box. Since I've amazed myself and actually completed my goal of reading more books this year than I did last year I figure this is my reward.

Literature snobs, you have been duly warned.

Only At Christmastime

Last night at the annual Placencia Christmas Eve gathering I was sitting on the couch with my cousins Glen and Rich. One of my little cousins, around 2 years old, entered dressed in her holiday best.

Another cousin began to gush, saying "Oh, you always look so beautiful at Christmastime!" to which Glen promptly quipped, "Nice. So what are you saying about the rest of the year?"

"Well," I added, "Everyone knows in June she looks like hell."

Merry Christmas to everyone who only looks good during this festive time.

Snickerz: Another Review by Me

Tonight I returned to Snickerz Comedy Bar in Ft Wayne for the second time to perform stand-up at their open mic. Surprisingly (at least to me) in the few hours before the show I was more nervous this time around than I was last month. I had originally planned on bringing back a couple of the jokes I used last time that went over really well and mix them in with some newer stuff I wanted to try out.

I only had a five minute block and as I ran through my set at home I was way over five minutes, so I decided to cut the bits that worked really well last time and fly with all-new never-before-tested material. Another thing that had me a little nervous was the material I went with tonight was all one long joke. As opposed to telling a series of unrelated jokes like set-up/punchline, set-up/punchline over and over tonight's material was one big bit and if it wasn't going well in the beginning, I'd have a nice uphill climb for the remainder of my time. Sure, I could always bail out and use the jokes from last time around that I had in reserve, but I wanted to test out the new material as a whole set and see how it flew.

It was another big crowd, about 400 people, and I was the first up. Again. The emcee had a bit of a time warming up the crowd, and when he decided to hand it off to me, things weren't exactly cooking. I ran up on stage determined to see what kind of damage I could do.

And it went as smoothly as if I'd done it a million times before. I don't know if I could have planned it any better. The crowd was with me the whole time, laughing at all of the right places, and my payoff joke rocked them like I'd hoped it would. It was such a great feeling to be up there with stuff I was pretty sure was funny when I wrote it and to feel the laughter coming back at me to confirm maybe I was onto something. I even finished a little early (or maybe they gave me a little extra time...all I know is they weren't flashing the You Only Have A Minute Left light at me) so I managed to dovetail the end of my new set into a joke from the last time that went over well and again tonight it went gangbusters.

The only complaint I have is how fast the time goes. It felt like I was barely up there and I was done. It's a nice tidal wave of a rush that you wish would last just a little bit longer and I guess that's what keeps me coming back for more.

So, combined with my set from the last time around, I now have a good solid 8 or 9 minutes of material that has gotten a pretty good response and I feel comfy with.

At the end of this month I'll be in touch with Snickerz again to see about booking for January and will keep you posted. Right now, I feel good and that's a nice place to be. Anyone wanna come over and cuddle?

It's Movies Like This One That Make Me Wanna Be In Movies

Little Miss Sunshine. I just saw it today. It's new on DVD this week and I can't stress enough how much you need to go out and see this film that got great reviews but was pretty much overlooked in the theaters. (And for all you macho guys out there, don't let the title dissuade you. Grow a pair and check it out.)

When I first saw the preview for this film, it was a little vague and I couldn't really tell what the film was about. I hope they did this on purpose because that approach was genius. I think it's pretty common knowledge that previews are guilty of giving away too much of a film's plot. I won't give you the title of the film in case you haven't seen it but a few years ago there was a movie out about a husband and wife who were experiencing a ghost in their house. The previews let you know it was the ghost of a girl the husband had an affair with once upon a time. As it turns out, most of the whole suspense of the film was trying to figure out who the ghost is. I know, it makes zero sense.

And for that very reason, I won't be telling you anything about the plot, storyline, or characters of Little Miss Sunshine. A lot of the fun was being surprised at what was around the next corner. There are a lot of films out there that made me happy when I watched (Talladega Nights, Borat) and I'm trying not to sound too cliche, but this film actually brought me joy. By the climax of the film I was laughing and having a great time and afterwards had to take five to think about what I'd just seen.

Little Miss Sunshine. For real. You won't be sorry. If you see it and for some reason don't like it, then please never speak to me again.

The Great Funniest Sneeze-Off Of '06

Last night my brother Ray and his wife Piper had a "date night" to celebrate Ray's birthday. I got to spend some time babysitting their daughter Valencia and, as always, we had fun.

On the way back from the movies (Charlotte's Web...it was OK for what it was. I've never seen the "classic" cartoon and I've never read the book, so it wasn't something I probably would ever have seen otherwise) we were riding in the car and I sneezed. About a minute later, Valencia sneezed. After a few moments, she sneezed again but the second sneeze was blatantly obvious and I called her on it ("You faker! That sneeze wasn't real! What a fakey-fakerton").

After some short ribbing about her fake sneeze, I declared we were going to have a contest to see who could do the funniest sneeze. It eventually got to the point where my sneezes were so outrageous I was screaming at the top of my lungs, honking the horn, and opening the sun roof. It was fun to make Valencia laugh so hard she was out of breath.

So yeah. I so won that. Not even close.

THE BLIND DATE -- A Short Story

A couple of weeks ago I sent out some emails to a few random friends asking them to give me 4 things: a person, a place, an object, and a line of dialogue they made up themselves.

So as not to influence their responses, I didn't tell them what it was for, only that it would act as a creative "kick start" for me. Taking a page from a writing circle I was in while in Chicago, I would then take the four suggestions and somehow work them into a short story.

The first person to respond was dear Adi and she gave me the following:

Place: A park
Person: A shrink
Thing: A paper bag
Line: "I wish I knew why this was happening."

What follows is the story those items inspired. I'll be taking the rest of the suggestions in the order I received them and will post the stories here. Some of them will be good, and I am sure some of them won't. Hopefully you'll enjoy reading them regardless.

And now, the first in a new series of stories (rated PG for language):

THE BLIND DATE

Inspired by Adi Blotman

Elements: A Shrink. A Park. A paper bag. "I wish I knew why this was happening."

I sat on the cement wall that surrounded the fountain in the middle of the park and looked for Amy. I'd never seen her in person before but believed I would recognize her from the picture she emailed me.

Had I really agreed to meet someone I met online? On MySpace, no less? It was only a few years ago when I would laugh behind the backs of people who told me they were going to hook up with someone they met online. It always seemed a little sad and desperate to me. What had happened in the lives of these people that made them so -- for lack of a better word -- pathetic?

But fast-forward three years where the idea is a little more commonplace and it doesn't seem so far-fetched. Funny how something like going through a divorce, partnered with not meeting any women, will change your perspective on things.

That's not to say I was completely sold on the idea; I still had some reservations about it all. Not because I was apprehensive Amy wouldn't look like her picture. Actually I was more afraid I wouldn't look like mine.

I'd hate for Amy to be in the embarrassingly awkward position where she shows up, sees me, and thinks Eh. That's him? If I knew he actually looked like that in person I'd have gone to Borders instead.

I'm not being hard on myself, just realistic. I see myself in the mirror every day and I know what I look like. There are a million guys out there better looking than me with cooler hair, nicer clothes, more money, and much better abs. And I'm totally fine with that. I just don't want to be one of those guys who's ugly and doesn't even know it. Just for the record, I don't think I'm ugly, but I'm also aware that most ugly people don't think they're ugly, either.

I tried to be fair to Amy when she asked if I had more pictures I could send her other than my generic MySpace icon. I tried to find the worst, most unflattering shot I had. No sense in trying to candy-coat anything. I attached the picture of me from the last 4th of July at the lake. My mouth is half-open and my eyes are half-closed. I figured if she still wanted to meet me after seeing a photo like that she's either legally blind or a lot less shallow than I rarely admit to myself that I am.

I'm not sure why I neglected to tell my shrink about any of this in our session this morning. Actually that's wrong. I do know why I didn't say anything. Because Dr. Vanderwilt, Dr. Beth Vanderwilt, is herself quite attractive and I was a little embarrassed to say anything about it.

I still don't know why I'm so influenced by what I think women whom I find appealing might think of me. I know there's no hope of anything ever happening beyond doctor/patient relationship with Dr. Vanderwilt but just in case the temperature in hell dips below 32 degrees Fahrenheit I want to have my bases covered. And no, this isn't the first time I've considered retaining a second shrink to discuss things I'm too intimidated to discuss with Dr. Vanderwilt.

Are all guys wired like this or am I just lucky?

As I pondered all of this, a cute blonde approached accompanied by one of those small dogs that are more suited for punting than they are for companionship. As she looked in my direction I tried to smile a smile that said I'm a nice guy, not some creepy loner hanging out in the park. It didn't help my cause when at that moment a paper bag being blown about by the wind found its way to me and wrapped itself around my face.

It startled me and I gasped, sucking part of the bag directly into my mouth, nearly suffocating me in the process. It made such perfect sense that this is how I would bite the big one. Killed by a stray bag the wind blew in my face while I tried to impress a pretty girl. As my little cousin would say, that would be so me.

Today however would prove to not be the day I was murdered by garbage. After struggling longer than it probably should have taken I managed to untangle the bag from around my head. The girl and her dog had already passed and to no surprise she was no longer looking in my direction.

I wadded the Burger King bag into a ball and tossed it into the trash can standing not five feet away. Or, more accurately, I threw it at the trash can. It bounced off the rim and fell to the ground. Not in any mood to be fined for littering (and I knew that's exactly what would happen if I did nothing) I rose from the park bench, walked over, picked up the bag, and prepared to drop it in the receptacle.

It was then that the bill caught my eye. There in the trash can was a crisp new twenty-dollar bill. Wow. Twenty bucks. Twenty free bucks. Just sitting there for the taking. All I had to do was take it.

I looked around. I scanned every face in the vicinity twice to make sure Amy wasn't one of them. Even worse than having a hot girl see you attacked by refuse is having your internet date see you digging through trash. I don't claim to know much about the opposite sex, but I do know that that would not make a favorable first impression.

But what about the others enjoying the park that day? What would they think if they saw me picking through the trash? And what would they think of Amy when they saw her meeting me? Would they feel sorry for her? Would they want to let her know that she's on a date with a guy who dumpster dives in broad daylight? Would my actions reflect poorly upon her? After considering these questions (and about thirty more) I came to the conclusion that I definitely wasn't going to tell Dr. Vanderwilt about this little inner monologue.

Once again I peeked into the trash can. The twenty was there, mocking me, daring me to pick it up. It was pinned between a newspaper and a coffee cup and there were no visible "garbage stains" on it.

And then I had a plan. If I had something I could throw away it would be easier to pull a little slight-of-hand and grab the money in the process. Or at least, it wouldn't be as blatantly obvious.

I looked around. How was it even possible that the park was this clean today? Surely the BK bag wasn't the last piece of stray refuse in the park but it seemed that was the case. I took a step and a leaf crunched beneath my foot.

A leaf! Would that work?

If I did it fast enough, maybe no one would see I was throwing away a leaf. Would someone perhaps think it was a piece of paper or some kind of fruit? But if they did indeed notice what it actually was, I would be The Guy Who Throws Away Individual Leaves. I wanted to be that guy about as much as I wanted to be The Guy Who Sweeps The Beach or The Guy Who Sprays Febreze On The Sidewalk.

The leaf idea was out and I decided to forego second guessing myself and just take a leap of faith. I walked directly beside the trash can, took a look to my left and then one to my right, and without looking shot my hand into the bin, grabbed the bill, and walked away.

After taking a few steps I looked down to see I was holding a Papa John's coupon.

I chuckled to myself. Although the mission itself was a failure, I now knew I could execute the actions. I was impressed with my speed, it was just my aim that needed work. But now I had something to throw away. It all comes around full circle, doesn't it?

I spun on my heels and returned to the trash can. As I prepared for my second attempt a man on a bicycle whizzed past like he was hot on Lance Armstrong's tail. He tossed a half-empty (or is it half-full) bottle of Gatorade into the garbage can. As it made contact, the cap on the bottle popped off and blue juice (fortified with electrolytes) shot out of the container and drenched the contents of the bin. And my pants.

I looked up at the cyclist and he was already long gone. I had lifted my hands out to my side as if to display the insanity of what had just happened for an audience of none. At least I was spared that small embarrassment of having anyone see what had just occurred.

And then I wished someone had witnessed it so they could testify that the growing wetness on my jeans was indeed a fruit drink, and not a more repulsive liquid. I rubbed the front of my pants with my hand as if that would make the stain disappear and was immediately crushed to feel how wet I had actually gotten. This wasn't going to dry any time soon, let alone by the time Amy and I met.

Perfect. "Hi, Amy, I'm Dan, and this is my awesome wet spot on my pants. Should we just end the date right now?"

But something told me that's not how it would go down. I had more faith in Amy than that. From our numerous conversations online I knew her to have a great sense of humor and this was a story she would get a kick out of. Probably even help me laugh at it as well.

Or at least I hoped that's how it would go down. In the back of my mind I knew there was always the possibility that she would meet me and immediately request a restraining order.

I looked at my watch and was glad I had shown up at the park early. I still had about 5 minutes before our actual meeting time. If I could make it to a nearby restroom and see about drying this off there might still be a chance I could come off as a regular non-mentally challenged person.

There was a Starbucks just up the block and I hurried over. I asked one of the employees where the restrooms were and was told they were outside, around the corner. She then asked if I had change on me, as it was a pay toilet and I would need a quarter to get in. I thanked her for the heads up and made my way outside.

I fished a quarter from my pocket and slipped it into the coin slot on the door. I opened it and immediately saw a homeless man inside, taking a nap. He heard the door open and scrambled to his feet.

"Oh, excuse me," he said, and hurriedly gathered the thin ratty blanket he was sleeping upon.

"No, excuse me," I replied, not meaning to intrude, "I won't be long."

"No problem, brother," he answered. There was a genuine likability about him and I truly felt for him.

He scurried out of the bathroom. I grabbed some paper towels from the dispenser and began to soak up the Gatorade as best I could. In my head I tried to picture the vagrant's life before today. Perhaps he had been in the stock market or used to be the CEO of a large company. He probably had a good life and did good things with his profits. He gave to charity. He loaned money to friends and family without asking for it back. He was a giver. But as we all know happens from time to time, bad things happen to good people (he was a good person, I could see that in his eyes) and he had a run of bad luck.

And now the only shelter he had was a pay toilet across the street from the park. I tried to put myself in his shoes, but can we honestly ever do that? Without actually going through what he went through is that even possible?

These were my thoughts as I finished drying myself off and made my way outside. I looked at the expansive park in front of me as I closed the door behind me. This is the first thing he sees when he goes out every day. I guess it could be worse.

"Hey asshole!!"

I heard it before I saw where it was coming from. Surprised, I turned and saw the homeless man waiting by the bathroom door. He obviously wanted to get back to his nap and I had obviously locked him out of his house.

"Oh...sorry about that, I wasn't even thinking," I said.

"I was standing right here, you son of a bitch. What did you think I was waiting for?"

I dug my hands in my pockets to retrieve another quarter and already knew I wouldn't find one. It was just that kind of day.

"I'm really sorry. My mind was honestly somewhere else and didn't even realize--"

"Do you realize you're an asshole, you asshole?"

I came to the realization this guy probably wasn't really much of a giver before and the picture I had painted in my mind probably wasn't 100% dead-on.

"Look, I have a dollar if you want to get some change--"

"I don't want your money, you shitsuck, I want to get back in my damn house," he growled at me.

And then I said it before I even knew I was going to say it.

"What's a shitsuck?"

I wasn't being sarcastic, it was just an automatic response and a genuine query. I really didn't know what a shitsuck was; I'd never heard it before, and I'm always eager to learn something new.

That's not how this guy took it.

Instead, he punched me in the eye. Really hard. I didn't even see it coming. Not because he was that fast, but because I was looking around at the crowd that had started to gather to see the homeless man yelling at the shitsuck.

When he hit me, bright shapes shot in front of my eyes and I heard myself say "Gaaaa." I brought my left hand up to my eye as the Punching Hobo grabbed his blanket and stormed away. Did I really just get hit by a homeless man?

As he made his way around the corner the only thing I could think of to shout at him was, "I'm never giving to Comic Relief again!" I don't know why I said that as I had never given to Comic Relief previously.

The crowd began to disperse, except for one person. She hung around and watched me through her cool glasses that reminded me of Tina Fey. And I knew who it would be.

"Dan?" she asked.

I looked into her eyes and the pain immediately melted away. "Amy." I said. It wasn't a guess. I recognized her immediately.

"Did you just get into a fight with a bum?"

"I think I did. That was weird. I wish I knew why this was happening."

She took a step forward and lightly touched the bottom of my chin with her hand. "Oooh," she said looking at my face, "That's going to turn some really cool colors before the end of the week."

I was still a little dazed by the events. "I just evicted a homeless guy and he hit me. How random is that?"

"Was he eating a sandwich?" Amy asked.

"Now that's random," I replied, "No, he wasn't. Why do you ask?"

"You have mustard on your face."

I paused, thought for a second, and said, "I got hit in the face by a Burger King bag."

"Are your pants wet?"

"A biker hit me with Gatorade."

Amy tilted her head upward and laughed. As she did so I felt myself falling for her.

She reached out and placed her hand in mine, still smiling.

"Want to get something to eat?" I asked.

"Love to."

That day I was hit four times. Once by a paper bag. Once by a Gatorade bottle. Once by a bum. And once by a smile.

It was the best day ever.

2006 – YEAR IN REVIEW

It’s that time again to bore my friends and loved ones with a capsulated look at 2006. Enjoy. I’ll wake you when it’s over.

2006 – YEAR IN REVIEW
A Timeline by Ed Placencia

JANUARY
As the year began I was living in New York City. I was a regular performer at the National Comedy Theatre (which I will heretofore refer to as NCT) and the ink on my divorce papers still hadn’t dried. My first year as The Single Guy. Let’s do this.
January 1 I ring in the new year by performing at a special New Year’s show at the NCT. We had a blast and it was a great time.
January 12 My digital camera breaks. No one has seen a picture of me since.
January 31 At the NCT banquet in a weird moment of ironic foreshadowing I was awarded “Most likely to be available for 208 shows/year.”

FEBRUARY
February 19 A reporter from The Daily News does a story on the National Comedy Theatre. A lot of pictures are taken and the cast is saddened when the article comes out and they use a picture with none of us in it.
February 28 In a stunt of unparalleled proportions, JT and I went to pick up some used carpet to put in the green room of the NCT. Because we don’t have a vehicle, we carry this huge roll of carpeting. From the corner of 3rd & 11th to the theater at 36th & 9th we maneuvered through the busy streets of Manhattan and didn’t bump into anything. And we only stopped to rest once. How manly are we?

MARCH
March 8 My good friends John and Lisa come up to visit from Pennsylvania. We checked out a Mountain Dew snowboarding ramp in the middle of Times Square and interview a ukulele expert at a music store for Lisa’s radio show, The Kids Cookie Break. So, it was a usual day for me.

APRIL
April 2 Worked on the set of a new FOX show, The Wedding Album. It was slated to come out this year, but haven’t heard anything on it since.
April 10-13 For four days straight I work from 6:30pm to 5am as an extra on the set of August Rush, starring Robin Williams, Keri Russell, and Jonathan Rhys Myers. We spent four nights in the middle of Central Park pretending it wasn’t freezing cold as we watched a performance by a symphony. Right now it is slated to release in February 2007. If it’s anything like my last work as an extra, be sure to have your freeze frame remotes ready so you can see me.
April 22 My sister Jaime comes up for a visit and we see and do everything in Manhattan in a span of 7 hours. We are, in a word, amazing. And tired.
April 27 Fellow NCT comedian Virginia and I witness someone trying to base jump off of the Empire State Building. A crowd gathers. The jumper is arrested. Everyone seems slightly depressed they didn’t get to see someone splat.
April 30 Worked on the set of Without A Trace playing an FBI employee. The episode airs the following month and I was nowhere to be seen. So far, no proof of the fact I’ve ever done any extra work exists.

MAY
May 4 Realizing a lifelong dream, I get to attend a taping of The Late Show with David Letterman. Even though the guests are Rosie Perez and Danika Patrick I still manage to somehow enjoy the experience.
May 13 My final show at the NCT for 2006. I have 81 performances with them under my belt, and all of them were a blast. The rest of the gang is still there putting on great shows so if you’re in Manhattan, be sure to stop by and see a show.
May 14 Left NYC for Pennsylvania, where I will hang out for a week before my departure for Indiana. My buddy Ethan volunteers to drive me to PA and while there I stay with him and his wife Aubrey, and also with Jon & Lisa. I get a chance to connect with all of my dear friends from the radio station I worked at in Lancaster, WJTL. Good people. Good, good people.
May 21 Dad arrives in Pennsylvania with his truck and we load up the small amount of junk I have and head for Indiana.

JUNE
June 2 Almost a year after doing extra work on The Break-Up with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston, it is released in theaters. None of my scenes make the final cut. I am not disappointed as there’s always the DVD deleted scenes. And I got to roller blade behind Jennifer Aniston for half a day. And the check cleared.
June 4 Fifteen years after its first conception, my brother Ray and I begin production on the long-awaited sequel to Terocus. We film four episodes and post them all on YouTube. The internet community is collectively confused.

JULY
July 15 I film an entry for a contest NBC is having to make a promo for the TV show The Office with Ray, Piper, Dad, and cousin Rich. Even though we don’t win, we have fun filming it and putting it on YouTube to further confuse the internet people.
July 16 The Placencia family reunion. Or, The Largest Gathering Of Minorities In Indiana Since The Last Placencia Family Reunion.

AUGUST
August 3 I am legally a Hoosier again when I get my driver’s license. After finally making it through the DMV line, a week later my money clip is stolen and I have to go through all of it again.

SEPTEMBER
September 30 The county fair comes to town and all of Indiana’s finest are in attendance. Mullets and poofy hairsprayed bangs abound. I get together with my friend Amy to hang out at the local coffee shop as they walk by and poke fun. Without recognizing him, I inadvertently end up making fun of my uncle.

OCTOBER
October 14 I killed a bird with a ladder.
October 17 The Break-Up is released on DVD. Although the packaging boasts “17 extra minutes!” I still have not made the film. Nor did I make the deleted scenes. Even my deleted scenes were deleted. But still, at least I got to roller blade behind Jennifer Aniston for half a day.

NOVEMBER
November 1 Awarded “Boxer of the Month” for the month of October at the Dekalb County Boxing Club. I celebrate by not going down for the rest of the month.
November 9 Itching to get back into comedy, I perform stand-up in front of a crowd of about 350 people at Snickerz in Ft Wayne and it goes well and the crowd goes wild.

DECEMBER
I’m working with Dad and still doing production for WJTL. I’ve been writing a lot of short stories recently and I’ll be back at Snickerz doing stand-up on December 21.It’s been a fun fun year and am eager to see what 2007 has in store.

To keep updated on what I’m doing, I keep a pretty consistent blog online. It’s the easiest way to see what I’m up to and going through. You can also visit that link to get all of the details on the highlights I mentioned above.

Goals for 2007:
*Return to NYC to perform again at NCT.
*Visit London.
*Kiss a girl.

It’s my prediction that the first two goals will be the easiest to accomplish.

Thanks for reading. I look forward to hearing from you to find out how you’re doing.

Keep in touch!

Ed

Four Holiday Movie Suggestions

'Tis the season to sit back and watch your favorite holiday movies. But maybe you're a little tired of watching It's A Wonderful Life and The Grinch for the 38 billionth time. Please allow me to make a couple of suggestions that may not have been your first choice. So bump these to the top of your Netflix list, grab some cocoa, and enjoy.

Gremlins
Not your first choice, huh? Well, until you've seen a movie where Santa is attacked by little green monsters and Do You Hear What I Hear becomes the chilling soundtrack to a woman stabbing a gremlin to death, then you haven't seen a good Christmas movie. The movie not only has jumps and surprises but a lot of good laughs as well. And if you take a good look you may recognize the town square. The film was shot on the Universal lot where they also shot Back to the Future. Between getting crashed into by a Delorean and blown to bits in Gremlins that movie theater on the set has seen some rough times indeed.

A Muppet Christmas Carol
I had to include one movie that's actually a Christmas movie. I was never a huge fan of this Dickens story in movie form until I saw this rendition. Maybe I'm prejudiced because I'm a huge Muppet fan, but maybe not since my favorite scene in the film contains no puppets whatsoever. Scrooge (played by Michael Caine) is with the Ghost of Christmas Past and sees himself as a young boy giving up the chance to have true love to focus on his career instead. It's a truly moving scene as his then-girlfriend sings a heartbreaking song. Complete with corny Muppet jokes and mayhem, this is one to check out this year and not necessarily just for kids.

Die Hard
I know! You forgot it took place at Christmas, didn't you? I don't need to write a paragraph on why it's cool. You've seen it. Probably a few times. But it's been a while since you've seen the original and it's time you checked it out again.

When Harry Met Sally
Not technically a Christmas movie but the climax takes place during the holiday season. The final scene takes place on New Year's Eve, so you might want to wait a couple of days after Christmas to really get into the spirit. Although it came out in 1988 it's still as cutting and fresh as always as the subject matter is one for the ages: Can guys and girls still be friends after being intimate? Billy Crystal at his hysterical best and Meg Ryan at her cutest. (For you kids today, she actually used to be attractive before she had plastic surgery and turned into The Joker.)

Grammy Reaction

As I am sure you know, the nominations for the 49th Annual Grammy Awards were announced today. I am sure everyone has their opinion on what should and shouldn't be nominated; I have mine on the only category I feel somewhat educated in.
Here are the nomineees for Best Comedy Album:

"Blue Collar Comedy Tour - One For The Road" by Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, Ron White, Larry the Cable Guy
"The Carnegie Hall Performance" by Lewis Black
"Life Is Worth Losing" by George Carlin
"Straight Outta Lynwood" by "Weird Al" Yankovic
"You Can't Fix Stupid" by Ron White

Just off the top of my head, I can think of three albums that deserved to be on this list and were overlooked for...well...I'm not sure what the reason could be. I submit Jim Gaffigan's "Beyond The Pale," Demetri Martin's "These Are Jokes," and George Lopez's "El Mas Chingon."

"But where would you put them?" I hear you ask, "There are only five nominations allowed."

Easy. Get rid of the two redneck albums and George Carlin's album.

Don't get me wrong; I love Carlin. I think he's extremely talented at what he does, but his new album didn't seem to grab me like some of his others have. I like his new album, just not enough to be on the Grammy list.

And don't get me started on the redneck albums. I loathe them. Loathe them. I'm not saying they aren't funny; There are some bits on there that make me smile but it's not a good raito. Kind of like a John Leguizamo album. As a whole it's enjoyable, but not really a laugh riot. You have to listen to 6 tracks to get one good laugh. With the redneck albums, they usually average about one laugh per album. I know they are very popular and this is just my opinon but I've never been able to get into Foxworthy, Engvall, White, or The Cable Guy. I think White does OK as part of the redneck gang but having his own CD is being a little too generous, I think.

Jim Gaffigan not being nominated is just proof that most award shows don't really know exactly what they're doiong, so they just go for what they think is popular. I defy you to listen to Gaffigan's new album and not be in tears before you're even halfway through. He even brings back his classic "Hot Pocket" but with added zings that add to an already beloved routine.

Maybe George Lopez didn't get nominated because his audience is seen as too specific: Latinos. You know, as opposed to the redneck gang, whom everyone loves. Especially Nascar fans. Lopez's look at growing up Latino wouldn't be nearly as funny if his observations weren't so dead-on.

And Demetri Martin's double-disc album/DVD is brilliance. He reminds me of Steven Wright wherein if you try to re-tell the joke to your friends they won't always get it because a lot of the comedy is in Wright's deadpan delivery. With Martin, without the random musical stylings in the background, it's a little hard to recapture the spirit behind jokes like "A burlap bag is the same as a musical. I wouldn't want to be in either." This CD is a Had-To-Be-There experience, but believe me, you'll be glad you were in on the joke.

So that's just my 2 cents. I know it won't affect anything and doesn't even matter at the end of the day, but just thought I'd spout off while I had a few extra minutes.

When all is said and done, I'm rooting for Al (but won't be upset a bit if Lewis Black wins; his work is brilliant. In fact, I predict Black will win this category). If Carlin wins, I won't mind. But if either redneck CD wins, I'm going to my local comedy club and burning a copy of Joe Dirt on DVD in protest.

Sarah Chalke Scrubs Into Engagement

Wow, what a bad week for Ed and The Women He Has No Chance With. First Eva Longoria, and now Scrubs's Sarah Chalke announces she's engaged. All right, Ms. Ryder, your turn. Might as well go for the trifecta.

It's Not Called "FunnyTV" For A Reason

I've never been able to get into MadTV. I've never been able to make it through a complete episode because every time it's on, I try to watch but always end up flipping the channel. Maybe everyone is just playing an elaborate trick on me, but a lot of my buddies rave about the show, go on and on about how crazy and hilarious it is. Some of them have even acted offended when I tell them I've never seen a whole show and a few have gone so far as to say it's better than Saturday Night Live.

I'm a huge fan of SNL and will also be the first to admit they've had their fair share of crap seasons. But when it's on, it's on (and I believe this season they're back on big time).

Today I came home for lunch and turned on Comedy Central and decided to give MadTV a chance. After a half hour I then decided it's a horrible show. I didn't smile, smirk, or even think heh one single time. And the annoyingly obvious laugh track made it seem even less funny than it actually was.

I make this vow to you in the name of good taste: I will never watch MadTV again.

I've tried, MadTV. Too bad you didn't.

Walking: Depends On How You Look At It

Funny how something as simple as walking can carry a different stigma depending on where you're at.

In New York City, everyone walks everywhere. There's a very small percentage of Manhattanites who have cars and since everything you need is within walking distance (or subway distance), having a car in the city isn't a real necessity. It's nothing to walk 10 or 15 blocks somewhere. Because there are so many people always walking around on the street one would never give it a second thought.

But here in Indiana (where walking 10 blocks seems ludicrous) if you see someone walking without an exercise track suit on, you think hey look at that homeless guy.

This blog brought to you by The People Who Talk Without Having A Point.

How To Scare Yourself

The other night I had a genuine scare, the kind where you're not just paranoid or suspicious but actually bordering on the brink of Zoinks, Scoob, let's get the freak out of here; the first time since...since...well I can't even remember when. And the best thing about it? It was all in my head. I don't know if it's proof of just how powerful our imaginations are or just that I'm going insane but either way, it was cool.

Before I begin my brief tale let me start with a bit of necessary background. I live on an average street lined with houses, just two blocks from the main drag of this small town. There aren't a lot of lights on my street and the other night it was really foggy and it looked just like the poster for The Exorcist (not the new one, but the one back in the 70s).




So that's what my street looks like at night.

Moving on.

It was about 4:00 in the morning and I got up to go to the bathroom. Upon waking I heard a noise that sounded like rain on the rooftop. Or maybe snow--snow! The first major snowfall of the year, and I wanted to watch it. I don't know about you but I love watching it snow at night. It's just really pretty to me; it's similar to the kick I get out of watching it pouring rain.

So I look out my bedroom window and...nothing. It had rained but nothing was coming down at that time. And then this thought popped into my head--I don't know where it came from -- of what if there was a guy standing on the sidewalk across the street just looking up at my window.

And that's when it all started. Suddenly I was sure there was a guy standing across the street staring up at me. I scanned the sidewalk up and down and as I did, the fact that I couldn't find him began to freak me out a little more (it was 4 in the morning and I was still a little more than groggy). I was enjoying it, though...being scared is sort of fun. How else do you explain the appeal of haunted houses and horrible movies like The Ring?

In my mind's eye I could see the guy in his dark trenchcoat that was still wet from the rain. I couldn't make out his face because he stood in the shadows but I knew he was up to no good. And then the questions began.

What if he came up to my apartment? I don't have much in the way of furnishings, so what would I use as a weapon? I don't have a baseball bat or golf clubs. Is it possible to really swing an ironing board? What about my lamp? If I swung it too hard would it fall apart in the air before making contact with the intruder? I remember when I moved in here my dad gave me a box of old kitchen supplies and inside was a real life butcher's knife. It was huge. I remember thinking at the time What am I, in a horror film? Who actually has a knife like this in their kitchen? Well, where was that knife now? Under the sink? In a seldom-used drawer? And do I want to get close enough to this guy to be in stabbing range? What if he has special powers of some sort? And if he does, would an old rusty cleaver really do the trick? The only flashlight I have is down in the car. Where's my lighter-thing I use to light candles with?

I got even more freaked out.

Now for those of you who may be concerned about my mental state, fear not. Just as quickly as I brought this all about, like flicking a light switch I was able to turn it all off.

I then realized if I kept on this train of thought I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep. And no way was I going to lose valuable sleep. So I turned around and went back to bed. I was out in like 3 seconds.

Yes folks, a year after signing divorce papers this is how Ed entertains himself . Is it any wonder I'm single again?

Who, me?

A nice surprise for me this week. Last night at the boxing club I was named "Boxer of the Month" for October 2006 and even got a nifty trophy.

And you thought all I did was watch Comedy Central Presents reruns.

EVA LONGORIA ENGAGED!!

....thus bringing an end to another dream I never would have attained anyhow.

The Ed-Pire Strikes Back

As promised/warned/threatened (depending on your point of view) I mentioned I would be trying to book another open mic night at Snickerz comedy Bar in Fort Wayne. I received confirmation today that my next appearance will be Thursday, December 21 at 7:00pm. A nice chance for you to have a few laughs before the roller coaster nightmare of the holidays really kicks in.

Last time was almost a full house, so reservations are highly recommended. The number to call is (260) 486-0216. Admission is $8 and there's a 2-item minimum per person.

Ok, I vowed to let you know the details of my next appearance doing stand-up and I feel like I've held up my end of the deal. Now get out there and have a great Thanksgiving!

Ed

Kramer Does Stand-Up!

I'm sure by now you've seen the clip of Seinfeld's "Kramer" AKA Michael Richards at a recent appearance at the Laugh Factory in L.A. All I can say is...that jerk stole my act!

Great. Now I have to start all over.

Musical Hammer

Today I was painting a bathroom in a house and the only other person inside was the carpet guy. He was in the room down the hall hammering nails and what-not.

BambamBAM. BambamBAM. BamBAMbambamBAM

Over and over again. And after a while, I was like Hey, I know that song.

BambamBAM. BambamBAM. BamBAMbambamBAM

So I put down my brush, walked down the hall, and happily said, "You're hammering "Jingle Bells"!"

He just looked at me like I was insane so I quietly turned, walked back down the hall, and continued painting.

Snickerz: A Review by Me

As you may have heard, Thursday night I did some open mic stand-up comedy at Snickerz Comedy Bar here in Ft Wayne. It was a packed house; there were about 350-400 people in the audience and I had a blast. I asked my good friend and co-writer Doney to help me review some of the jokes I was considering a few days beforehand and that was a huge help to have that input from someone I trusted and respected.

I was given five minutes and was first up to bat. Opening act. Yikes. In the five minutes I basically did 4 different premises. The first one went all right. It was a bit on a political ad Morgan Freeman did. The second one, about someone claiming separating kids by gender was racial discrimination, did OK and then took a big nosedive toward the end. For some reason I changed the ending of the joke on the spot and it was kind of like a football player bobbling the ball, trying to keep control, and eventually dropping it. I could feel everyone in the room being nervous for me and that in itself was cool. I felt like a Jedi.

I paused briefly and took a page from what I learned at the National Comedy Theatre in New York: Be cocky. Not an arrogant cocky but just an air of confidence. Freakin' own it. If you get up there and the audience can sense you're nervous or unsure of yourself, you're dead. But if you get up there and act cocky like you know what you're doing, let them know they can relax because you have everything under control, then it's a different ballgame. And I decided to get cocky. I came up with a joke about 45 minutes earlier at my apartment that I thought was pretty funny and decided to scrap my previously planned Joke #3 and go with my gut, grow a pair, and get cocky.

I delivered the joke like I knew it was funny. I knew it was going to be the best joke they ever heard. Even though I didn't. I hoped it was. I thought it was. But I had never told it to anyone, never ran it past anyone; I just had a feeling.

I am glad to report it killed. The contrast from the reaction to Joke #2 (uncomfortable silence) to Joke #3 (a room of 350 people suddenly bursting out into a huge laughter that made me pause for a short bit until it died down) was the coolest thing in the world.

Joke #4 was able to stay on that same level as #3 and I was glad to end my set on a very high note. Afterward some people told me they wished I had been able to go on longer and that's just how you want it. Leave 'em wanting more. So that was very cool indeed.

Of course, being the tortured artist I am, I have spent the majority of the couple of days replaying the joke that bombed instead of the ones that went well. I once heard a comedian (I forget who) say they might get 100 emails and 99 of them will be emails like "You're so funny, you're so awesome, great job" and 1 email will be "You suck." Even though that's only 1 of 100, the negative email is the one that will be remembered. And that's true for me. Weird, huh?

I bought one of those portable audio recorders to record my set so I could use it to review and tweak my performance. After the night I got in the car and was extremely annoyed to find it didn't record anything. Not a thing. Of course, it worked perfectly before the show and even afterward, but not during. I spent my drive home recording an incredibly insane message, yelling at the recorder. I was going to post it on my page for your enjoyment, but the feature to post audio has been removed. If you'd like to hear an audio clip of excerpts from that rant drop me a line and I'll email it to ya.

Of the few hundred people that were in attendance that night I figure about 35 of them were buddies of mine who came out, which was very cool indeed. Mom and Jeff brought like 10 of their friends, including expert photographer Michael Schnee. Dad and Patsy brought a few friends as well. Cousins Glen and Suzie were there, and Uncle Rick, Aunt Mary, and Aunt Emma. From the boxing club Jeremy, Dave, Jerry, Walker, and Kyle showed up. Even a couple of ladies from the local bank were there to cheer me on (come on, you can't get much more small-town than that, but dammit it was great to have them there). Rob and LeeAnne were there which was very cool indeed. I know LeeAnne mostly from MySpace and I think last night was only like the 2nd time we actually hung out (including the 4th of July when I ate a burger near her) so it was very encouraging to see them there. My brother Ray was able to leave an event in Auburn early in time to make it. That meant a lot as well, because he's the person who makes me laugh the most. It was nice to return the favor.

I called Snickerz the next day to book a time at the next available open mic. It's such a rush; the coolest high in the world. That was my largest audience to date and I had so much fun. I'll keep you posted and again, while I wait for the audio clip feature to come back, let me know if you want me to email you my angry rant at my audio recorder (which, for some reason, I chose to do entirely in an English accent).

Things That Make You Go...HUH?

I was grocery shopping last night at my local Kroger's (that's right, I was Krogering) and I saw a sign they put up to help them get rid of their Halloween crap. The sign actually said:

HEY HALLOWEEN LOVERS!
75% OFF ALL HALLOWEEN MERCHANDISE
not including candy or costumes

I mean...what else is there? Bargain prices on Monster Mash Pop Tarts?

Go Buckeyes!! ...?

A couple of weeks ago Dad and I made the journey to Columbus OH to watch Ohio State University play Indiana University. I'm not really a follower of college football but my cousins Gena and Nikki had some extra tickets and it'd been a long time since I got to see them, so I didn't have to think twice when they offered us the seats.

I knew IU's colors were red and white but had no idea what the OSU colors were and since I wasn't really rooting for either team I knew for certain I wasn't going to wear red or white so as not to offend the home team. I decided to wear a blue shirt that had yellow lettering on it.

Turns out OSU's colors are also red and white. And OSU's biggest rival is Michigan, whose colors are, of course, blue and yellow. I felt like a turd. I didn't want the entire campus to think I was a Michigan fan because

a) I wasn't trying to start anything up
b) I'm not a Michigan fan
c) Not only am I not a fan of the Michigan college team, I'm also not really a fan of the state of Michigan or the people who hail from there

Nikki gave me a buckeye necklace to wear at the game that would protect me from rabid fans who throw beer and stab with shivs. Kind of like wearing garlic to scare away the vampires. Looking back, I don't think I needed the necklace at all. I had a great time and although the fans were hyped and pumped they were also very polite to this obvious out-of-towner.

Some things were weird, of course. It was kind of like going to a new church for the first time. I didn't know when to stand, when to sit, when to yell, I didn't know any of the songs or the cheers, and I didn't know the appropriate attire.

It was a really fun day, though, and since then I've found myself checking OSU scores every now and then. Have I become an OSU fan? I don't know. But I'm definitely more of a fan than I was before.