Costco: What are You Looking For?

OK, I'll be the first to admit, I'm not the sharpest pencil in the lead pile. But I cannot for the life of me figure out just what in the world the Costco receipt-checker lady is looking for.

As you may or may not know, when you shop at Costco as you leave they have an employee who takes your receipt, inspects your cart, scribbles on the receipt with a highlighting marker, and then lets you leave.

The first time I experienced this a few years ago I thought, "What a fun idea! They're cutting down on theft by making sure you paid for everything you have in your cart."

But then I realized this may or may not be the case. They don't really look all that hard. Lately all they seem to do is glance in the cart and scribble on the receipt. Are they really being that effective? They look at my cart, not even looking in the boxes to see if I have a multi-pack of Granola Bars smuggled in somewhere underneath my pile of 2-pound bags of frozen blueberries.

Yesterday my wife and I went shopping and I bought a hard drive for our computer. I wanted to use my personal account to pay for it and not our joint account so I paid separately and, as a result, got a separate receipt. I decided to do a test and pocketed my receipt for the hard drive and just gave the lady the receipt for the other items in our cart full of bulky goodness. The hard drive was, by far, the most expensive thing in the cart so if she was looking to make sure it was on the receipt, I would be busted.

But nothing. She looked at the receipt, looked at the cart for a second or two, and then smiled and let us pass.

What's going on here? I used to think they were counting how many items were on the receipt to see if I had that same number in my cart. But there was no counting going on. No double-checking. None of it. If they're not there to do any real work, then why not fire them and pass the savings on to me?

What are they looking for?

Something is afoot, I just don't know what it is. I told Sarah what I was doing and after we left I turned to her and said, "I should have put an extra hard drive in the cart." She just smiled at me because she knew I was going to go home and blog about it.

If someone who works at Costco reads this, please comment and fill me in. I know the official position of Costco is they are making sure they haven't overcharged us for anything but I'm not buying that. Call me skeptical, but I find it hard to believe these 90-year-old people they have guarding the exit have the price of every item in the store memorized.

Help me, Costco. The suspense is killing me.

Stalked by Felt? OK!

There are things that society has accepted as normal that are, in fact, not normal at all.

Let's say, for example, I am at HersheyPark, a local amusement park. I'm walking along the midway enjoying the atmosphere and suddenly I sense I'm being followed. And not only am I being followed but it's like someone is right behind me, I mean right on me. I turn around and it turns out I am in fact being followed by some strange dude and his head is really close to the back of my head.

Society has taught me that this is weird. This guy should not be following me this closely, he shouldn't have his nose mere inches from my head, and he should leave me alone.

BUT...

...if the same guy is wearing a huge costume and dressed as a chocolate bar with a bite taken out of him and a huge scary smile on its fuzzy head, THAT is perfectly OK and acceptable. In that case I would turn around and see this costumed character and laugh and smile and just say, "Oh you silly huge chocolate bar."

And so this is where we are as a people: Where it's actually creepier to be followed by a fellow human than it is to be stalked by a giant Twix bar.

Let's (Not) Sleep On It

I've approached some of my buddies from the National Comedy Theatre about an idea currently bouncing around in my head. Last night as I was falling asleep I had three great ideas for my idea. I was going to get up, grab my "comedy notebook", and scribble the notions down but I couldn't get motivated to do more than just think about doing it.

I wasn't too stressed about it, though, as they were such good ideas I knew I would remember them this morning.

But I didn't.

I hate  being an idiot.

What is Improv?

What is comedy? What makes something funny? What the heck is the "rule of three?" These are just some of the topics scholars have discussed - and debated - since the dawn of time.

And when improv was discovered (right around the dusk of time) it spurred on deeper queries. My pals up in Manhattan at the National Comedy Theatre shed some light on the topic. Enjoy.

And discuss.

[youtube=http://youtube.com/watch?v=U0ri2nGKzvM]

Come on, guys!

Yesterday while watching the news I saw a report in which they said the average husband creates 7 hours of housework per week.

Guys, may  have a word, please, in private?

(insert pause here while we wait for the ladies to leave)

Ok dudes, seriously. You disappoint me.

We can totally bump that up to at least 10.

The Johnny Appleseed Prayer Song

Sarah and I went camping with a big group of new friends this past weekend. Right before lunch, our friend Alyssa asked if we'd ever heard of Johnny Appleseed. I thought she meant the dude and was about to say "Of course I have, I'm from Indiana."

And then I realized she DIDN'T mean the dude when they all started to hum. I grabbed my camera and captured THIS.

What a Charmin Man

Hm....I guess this is one way to express being disgruntled at the water company....

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Man Writes Check on 2-Ply Toilet Paper
Mar 27, 9:42 PM (ET)

BINGHAMTON, N.Y. (AP) - An upstate New York man embroiled in a dispute over his water bill is not being allowed to pay off his debt with a check written on toilet paper. Ron Borgna tried to settle his $2,509.66 bill with a check written on floral print, two-ply toilet paper Wednesday. The disagreement began in September 2006 when Borgna received a $422.90 water bill. Borgna claims he was overbilled. With additional charges, penalties and late fees that bill has grown. Binghamton city officials refused to accept the check. After a short argument, Borgna was escorted out of the building.

Borgna says he is appealing the judgment against him in small claims court.

************************************************

I wonder if the appeal was written on Kleenex and sealed in a paper towel envelope.

Bacon and Egg. And high heels.

Yay! More strange but true news!!

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Race in Heels Trips Man on Workers Comp

Mar 25, 8:47 PM (ET)

HARTFORD, Conn. (AP) - Prosecutors say a video shows a Connecticut correction officer running a 40-yard-dash in women's clothing and high heels - at a time he had claimed he was too injured to work.Garrett A. Dalton of Naugatuck has been charged with workers compensation fraud. He's accused of taking part in a radio station's contest for Hannah Montana concert tickets last year. Not only did he have to dress in drag but he had to carry an egg on a spoon.Authorities were alerted after someone saw Dalton in a TV news report. Prosecutors say the 41-year-old collected more than $5,000 in workers' compensation after he reported a work-related injury in June.Court documents do not list an attorney for Dalton, and his phone number is unlisted. And no, he didn't win the contest.

******************************************

OK so yeah, this guy was totally faking everyone out to get workman's comp. That's not the part of the story that disturbs me. It's the fact that the radio station's genius promotions director came up with the idea to give away Hannah Montana tickets by having people dress in drag and have a foot race in high heels. While balancing an egg on a spoon.

You know. Just like Hannah Montana does.

Dummies.

What's the Difference Between a Leg and an Anus?

If you don't know, then you're probably one of the surgeons in the following news article:

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pensioner gets bum's rush on op

March 19, 2008 12:00am

A GERMAN pensioner is taking a hospital to court after she turned up for a leg operation - and got a new anus instead.

The woman woke up to find she had been mixed up with another patient suffering from incontinence who was to have surgery on her sphincter.

The clinic in Hochfranken, Bavaria, has since suspended the surgical team.

Now the woman is planning to sue the hospital - although she still needs the leg operation and is searching for another hospital to do it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm still not quite sure what the outcome is. Does this mean her bathroom trips are now completed in half the time? Will the people at Charmin hire her as a new spokeswoman? What will this do to her dry cleaning bill? Can she now harmonize with herself when she farts?

So many questions...so few answers.

Grab the Taco and Make a Run for the Border

Here's a fun story for ya, kids!

Man Gets 30 Days' Jail for Taco Theft

Mar 20, 12:18 AM (ET)

By ANDREW DALTON

LOS ANGELES (AP) - A man who pretended to be a CEO complaining about his fast-food order in a taco scam was sentenced to 30 days in jail after authorities saw the prank in an online video.Rialto police said it was an easy case to crack because the video, called "How to Scam Del Taco" and posted on YouTube.com, shows Robert Echeverria, 32, calling the restaurant about 50 miles east of Los Angeles on Feb. 19.In a friendly tone he claims to be a CEO named "Robert Kennedy" who has already spoken to the store's manager and corporate office about some unwanted sour cream and the lack of a receipt in a previous order.

"I love your guys' tacos," he said.

One of his two 18-year-old co-stars is later shown walking into the restaurant and claiming the food. The video ends with the three men feasting and laughing.

Echeverria even provided a pair of personal phone numbers in the video, Rialto police Lt. Joe Cirilo said.

A Rialto resident saw the video online last month and called police, authorities said.

On Tuesday, Echeverria pleaded guilty to misdemeanor burglary and received a sentence of 30 days in jail, three years' probation and one special condition: a ban from the Rialto Del Taco.

"I tried to get him to stay away from all Del Tacos, but the judge said just the one," Deputy District Attorney Doug Schaller said.

Schaller said the two teens can expect a similar plea deal, most likely minus the jail time.

See, people, this is exactly why I don't post on my YouTube site my "How to Rip Off Netflix" video or step-by-step "Larceny Made Easy" short film or even my "This Video Will Definitely Get Me In Jail" video. Ya gotta keep some things to yourselves, guys.

I saw a video on YouTube of a news report covering this story. The "perp"(that's what crime fighters like myself call people like this) turned out to be a gang member who weighs in at just a few pounds lighter than a dump truck (that's just a "guess-timation," of course). I'm pretty sure I saw him on Jerry Springer playing the role of "stereotypical fat Mexican gangster" but I could be mistaken.

Interviewing My Shirt Twin

I work at a radio station and every once in a while we get someone really cool to swing by the studios for an interview. And on even rarer occasions, I get to do the interviewing. Afterwards, I get to play back my stammering question-asking over and over again until my self-consciousness has completely grown back.

Last week, Chris Sligh came in for an interview (Name ring a bell? Chris was a top 10 finalist on season 6 of American Idol). He was a lot of fun to talk to and it was really cool finding out more about who he is and where he's come from. The interview lasted 47 minutes and I somehow managed to whittle it down to 8-1/2. Enjoy!

Showdown at the USDA Corral

This is the latest article to catch my eye:

Restaurant owner beans meat thief with a ham

Mar. 16, 2008 11:59 AM, Associated Press

A meat thief is no match for an angry restaurant owner swinging a ham.

Joe Scola says he heard a noise in his Scola's Place restaurant in Gloucester, Mass., and saw a man trying to get away with his arms full of meat taken from the restaurant freezer.

Scola says that when he caught up with the man and started taking back his stock, the man raised a five-pound log of frozen Italian meat over his head as if to use it as a weapon.

The restaurant owner had a frozen ham in his hand and slammed it into the man's face, making a gash. The stunned thief dropped his loot and ran.

Police say they're haven't found the man responsible for the Wednesday confrontation.

Ed here again.

This totally ruins all of my future games of "Rock, Paper, Scissors, Italian Meat Log, Frozen Ham." I don't know about you, but where I come from Italian Meat Log totally beats Frozen Ham.

Of Corn Flakes and Stupid People

Just saw this little gem online. Check it out...but stay tuned all the way to the end, as I have a comment or two....

Illinois-Shaped Corn Flake for Sale
Mar 17, 12:34 AM (ET)

By CARYN ROUSSEAU

CHICAGO (AP) - Sounds a little flaky, but someone has offered more than $50 on eBay for a piece of breakfast cereal that is touted as a lookalike to the state of Illinois.Two sisters listed "The Great Illinois Corn Flake" on the online auction site, promising it has undergone no alterations.

Emily McIntire, a 15-year-old sophomore in high school from Chesapeake, Va., said she was grabbing fistfuls of cereal on her way to class when she found the flake.

"It was almost to my mouth, it didn't look like Illinois at first because it was held the wrong way," said McIntire, but then she noticed the resemblance and said, "Oh my goodness, it's Illinois."

Her 23-year-old sister, Melissa, said their parents suggested selling it for fun. They're offering free shipping to Illinois.

"At the moment it's residing in a fine jewelry box with a lot of cotton wrapped around it to keep it safe," said Melissa McIntire.

The McIntire sisters say they've decided to use the proceeds from the eBay sale to buy more boxes of Frosted Flakes.

"We've got to replace the one we've already sold," Melissa McIntire said. "We like cereal."

Wow. Just...just wow. 

A Corn Flake shaped like Illinois? With a guarantee it hasn't been altered? At first I was going to be amazed until I realized that every corn flake looks like Illinois, you stupid idiots. This is nothing special. That's like saying I found a gumball that is shaped like Earth. The planet is round. Gumballs are round. And Illinois is shaped like every Corn Flake ever.

I also enjoy the part of the story where the sisters claim they are going to use the proceeds of their amazing find to buy more boxes of Frosted Flakes. Now there's a wise investment, girls. How else were you going ever going to save up to buy a box of cereal? It's a good thing you came across this gold mine, because we all know people otherwise have a tricky time figuring out how to pay for things like college, a new house, and Frosted Flakes.

I especially like how the author of the article is able to infuse a sense of "close call" nail-biting suspense into the story as well. This idiot had the corn flake almost in her mouth, when, at the last second, she realized what she was about to do. I picture in my head her sister diving across the table in slow motion while John Woo doves flutter outside the window. The spoon is knocked out of her hand and the precious corn flake is saved from--God forbid--being eaten. Wow. A close call indeed. Because you're not going to find another Illinois-shaped corn flake until...well...you load up another spoonful of Corn Flakes. Idiots.

And how can you not love their final statement: "We like cereal." I wonder if they had to loosen the strap on their protective helmet before coming up with this brave proclamation.

It's stories like this one that make me want to Google their names, find their home address, make the drive down to Virginia, ring the doorbell, and when they answer, smash them in the face with a Swiffer WetJet.

Otherwise, how will they learn?

Update, June 7, 2008: I couldn't resist. I had to talk about this on stage.

The Grand

Count me in!

An Extra 24

I've been looking for this clip for some time now (ever since the first week of last December to be exact) as it crosses a couple of my favorite pop culture items. The TV show "24" and the comedian Ricky Gervais. For those who may not yet know, Gervais is the creator and star of the original version of "The Office" and also the equally hilarious series "Extras." It turns out he and his writing partner Stephen Merchant are also huge fans of Kiefer Sutherland and his show "24." Merchant actually had a cameo appearance in a "24" episode last season, but according to Entertainment Weekly the "24" producers felt that Gervais was too recognizable when he played a White House aid, so they cut the scene. And knowing this would happen, the crew decided to have fun with it. It's an extra on the "24" Season 6 DVD and today I found it floating around on YouTube. God bless the internet.

Where IS He?

Found this online and thought I'd pass it along. And you thought finding Jason Bourne was hard...

A Sad Day

My pal John Allen sent me this email update:

Golgotha Golf To Transmogrify Into Dinner Theater, Haunted Mine

One of the nation's few Bible-themed miniature golf courses will soon be replaced by a pair of new attractions. Golgotha Golf, part of the Cave City cluster of attractions, had been suffering a slow devolution since it closed permanently in 2001 or so. New owner Ron Cushman said "It will no longer be a mini golf course. It is becoming a dinner theatre and a haunted mine attraction (in the old go cart concourse). The new name will be 'The Grande Palace Music Hall and Clementine Mine.'" Ron hopes to have the business up and operating by June 2007. "The theatre and mine will be separate attractions and a separate ticket since dinner theatre and crashing elevators don't go together."

We asked if doomed spelunker Floyd Collins will be coaxed from his nearby grave site to wander the Haunted Mine. "The ghost of Floyd Collins?" said Cushman, "I wouldn't dare give away our secrets, now would I?"

Haunted mines? Dinner theatre? I don't know....I'm just glad my buddy Aaron Marrs and I got to document this hallowed mini-golf resort before this desecration.

The Useless South

Today I got a really random IM from Ashlea at work with a question that opened the floodgates. I'm probably going to offend some people with this one but at the end of the day, I stand by my word. I now give you our instant message conversation:

ASHLEA: Which state would you describe as the most useless?

ME: Montana. Alaska. Alabama. Kentucky. Missisippi. Tennessee. Georgia. South Carolina. North Carolina. And Virginia.

ASHLEA: Haha. Ok, disputes...Alaska has oil. And you can take cool cruises.

ME: Yea but conservationists won't let us get the oil, so it's useless. Mexico has cool cruises, too.

ASHLEA: North Carolina and South Carolina are awesome. Outer Banks, Myrtle Beach.

ME: If you want beaches, go to Florida or California or Hawaii.

ASHLEA: Georgia peaches.

ME: Georgia has the Klan.

ASHLEA: Tennessee because of Nashville.

ME: Nashville has country music and also inbreeding.

ASHLEA: Eddie you really need to redeem your feelings about Nashville.

ME: Nah. I like my feelings about Nashville. It's OK. I feel the same about Atlanta. We should just pave over them and start over.

ASHLEA: What would you change?

ME: I would gas it, fence it off, and make it a nature preserve.

After this, Ashlea didn't say anything else. So, naturally, that means I'm right.

Again.

Body for Life...or at least for now

If you really want to be motivated to stay in shape, I recommend marrying a really hot fitness instructor.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, Sarah is hot. I'm not biased, that's just a fact. The sun is warm, ice is cold, Tom Cruise is an idiot, and Sarah is hot. Facts.

I know Sarah would disagree with me, and she's sweet for doing so, but I know I married way out of my league. Trust me. I've seen me without a shirt.

And before you even say anything, let me cut you off. I know looks aren't everything and if you know me, you know that's true. I also know that Sarah loves me for who I am, not for what I look like, I know that. So....OK. We're good? All right. Then I'll continue with my rant that will seemingly contradict those last couple of statements.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Sarah's hot.

Sarah's also a fitness freak. Not that she enjoys working out but this girl loves it. Tae Bo, kickboxing, biking, running, doesn't matter. She's up for it.

I on the other hand...well, I've been known to work out, sometimes on a pretty regular basis, but I've never stayed on top of it. Like most people, I've gone through my phases. But I was thinking about this a couple of weeks ago and decided that I'd like to get into shape - and stay in shape - not only because I think it'd be cool, but because if I'm going to be married to someone as good lookin' as Sarah, well...it's only polite that I do what I can to return the favor. Not that I am operating under the delusion of becoming something I'm not genetically going to become without an Extreme Makeover, but at the same time I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have abs, even if it's just two of them. I may even settle for having an ab.

So last week I started on the Body for Life fitness routine. I know, nothing like jumping on the bandwagon 14 years too late. But we'll see how it goes. I do some sort of exercise six days a week and it's only been a week and a half, so I'm definitely not touting any major accomplishments yet. But I'll see what happens. I'm enjoying it so far, even if it does mean I drag my butt out of bed at 6am every morning. And that's saying something. Especially for me.

And don't worry. In 11 weeks I'm not going to be posting any before/after photos and I'm not going to be driving around town with no shirt on any time soon. Because if I did, that would mean I could no longer make fun of people who do.

Daft Hands

Seen this yet? (Heads up, kids...there's a swear word or two...or four...in this one)

Cha Cha Cookies

There's a famous saying in the world of movie making: Never work with kids or animals.

Well, bring on the animals.

This weekend I shot a parody of the McDonald's "Cha Cha Slide" commercial. You know, the one with the kid in the yellow outfit grooving at the dinner table while he eats apples. Our parody was for the Kids Cookie Break, the award-winning kids show on the station hosted by Lisa Landis. The video features her son (and star of my next short film as well...more on that later), her husband John, and her nephew Nick.

It was a pretty quick shoot (about an hour and a half) and I think we did a pretty good job of recreating the commercial shot-by-shot. The editing process was surprisingly quick and it's now up for the world to enjoy.

So, if you're sick of seeing the commercial on TV, maybe you'll like it better with cookies instead.

B-rad is Back

One of the coolest things I like about this blog is seeing what people searched that led them to my little corner of the web. It's always interesting to see just how many people do a search for "Menards" (a lot more than I would ever guess), "fridge decor" (people search for that?), and "Apollo stump" (I can't say I blame them for that one...I often wonder how that tradition started, too).

Of course, I am sure my blogs help very little in providing them the information they were actually looking for. Instead of data pertaining to the department store, how to decorate your refrigerator, or insight into strange theater traditions, they get blogs about body parts said with English accents, a plea for free stuff, and a short story about a Jewish guy and Mo'Nique.

Another search a  lot of people enter is "Brad Moist" which is curious, as he is a buddy of mine I worked with at Gotee Records who then went on to found his own record label, Mono vs Stereo. I used to have a link to his blog my blogroll (on the right-hand column of this page)but he recently took it down. I am glad to say, though, that now people can find him again as his new site is up and running. And for once, I can help. When people do a search for Brad they may actually find him, rather than my silly blog about Guitar Hero.

A Weekend with Aaron Marrs

I've written before about my good buddy Aaron Marrs. Unfortunately he's not with us anymore. Fortunately, while he was still here we had some really good times and I was able to capture one particular weekend on video.

It took place in early August 2003. We were both living in Nashville at the time and we had decided to go to his parents' house in Louisville for a weekend so we could catch a Bleach concert near Cincinnati and then hit King's Island the next day.

On the way to Louisville, we took a detour to visit GOLGOTHA (billed, no joke, as "the #1 shaded Biblical mini-golf resort"). You may have already seen the video but in case you haven't...



You may not have seen what we did for the rest of the weekend. I have decided to post that video as well and you can see it below. It was a really good time and thought those of you who knew Aaron might enjoy seeing him goofing around again.

Good times.

My Life with Indy

Unless you're living in a cave filled with Kali worshipers, you've probably seen the trailer for the new Indiana Jones movie, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. To say I was excited to catch my first glimpse of the new flick would be putting it mildly.



But then it hit me that a lot of kids who make up the precious 18-23 year-old demographic so many of the movies try to nab were toddlers the last time an Indy flick unspooled. I mean, my wife was only 6 when the third Indy film came out (and yet she's a huge fan of the trilogy. She's cool like that. She knows her good 80s flicks even though she was in diapers when they premiered; she was only 2 when Back to the Future was in theaters - man I love making myself feel old - but she's still a fan).

It doesn't seem like that long ago when that boulder first chased Indiana through the cave. But I guess I was 10 years old and I went to see it on a Saturday afternoon with my little sister, who would have been 5 at the time. Those were definitely different times when you could drop off a 10-year-old and a 5-year-old at the movies by themselves to watch the faces melt off of Nazis. We got home and couldn't stop ranting about Raiders of the Lost Ark. My brother (who had opted to go to the swimming pool instead of the movies) knew he missed out.

Three years later when Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom rolled around, I was an official Indiana Jones movie geek. Before it had even come to theaters, I already had the soundtrack (on vinyl) and had it memorized. I knew every trumpet swell, every smash of the timpani, and had the crescendos down pat. In fact, when I sang along with the opening song - a rendition of "Anything Goes" in Japanese - I remember a few of the people in the audience giving me the stink eye. I had the collectible behind-the-scenes book as well as the cheap novelization of the movie and I had begun to go to the library and photocopy magazine articles about Steven Spielberg. I couldn't fully understand at 13 exactly what a director does but I knew his name and I knew he had a lot to do with it, and I wanted to have something to do with cool movies, too. I recognized his name from E.T. and that was when I knew whatever it was he did...I wanted to do it, too.

When Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade came out I was 18 and I knew everything you'd ever want to know about Spielberg. I studied his films and pored over every article I could get my hands on. And yet, Indy 3 disappointed me. I think this is the first time I'm saying this publicly.

The rest of my family, especially my dad, are such Indiana Jones fans, I couldn't bring myself to confess that I didn't love the third one as much as they did. And, if you know me, the reason for disliking it may seem odd. In the years since then, I've continued to be a fan of Spielberg but my tastes have veered to the comedic arts. I'm still interested in film but that is coupled with a love for stand-up comedy and all things Steve Martin, Dane Cook, and Will Ferrell.

And yet my complaint about Indy 3? It was too funny. Too goofy. Too much slapstick.

Sure, the first one had a few good laughs but for the most part, Indy was a serious down-to-business guy who got himself out of narrow scrapes and once in a while shot a guy instead of using his whip for a laugh. But all of a sudden he was running around with Sean Connery like 2 of the three stooges, complete with head bonks, slaps in the face, and pratfalls. Indiana Jones was never a comedy before... why were they trying to make it into one now?

And yet, even with this bitter taste in my mouth, I still remain a huge fan. I am trying to keep my expectations low and at the same time I'm really anxious to find out what happens next to our hero. The trailer that is online made me smile and even laugh and who knows, they may try to make Indiana funny again. I forgive them already if they do. I'm just looking forward to hanging out with my old buddy again.

And the Winners Are...

So...how was your Oscar party experience? I have to admit, mine was pretty darn cool. And here's proof:

Finding Timmy's Whiteness

Yesterday I was trying to catch up on my Entertainment Weeklys and was reading the February 8 issue (the one with Juno's Ellen Page on the front) and in the middle of reading the article on "Survivor" I saw my friend Timmy.

When I was in New York working at the mutual funds company, the guy who was my supervisor was Timmy. He was really cool and we got along really well, especially after finding out we were both performers at comedy clubs. I was doing improv at the National Comedy Theatre and he was part of a sketch troupe that performed at the Upright Citizens Brigade theater. I was able to catch a performance and had a great time. In fact, I think I even blogged about it.

Anyhow, it was fun hearing about Timmy's adventures as they were invited to the Aspen Comedy Festival and were approached by some TV people.

Fast forward to me reading EW and seeing a full-page ad for The Whitest Kids U Know on IFC. And of course, there was Timmy with a huge finger pointed at his head (you have to see the ad to really get what I'm trying to describe).

This blog really has no point other than to say it was cool. Good job, Timmy. Good job Whitest Kids. Good job IFC.

Kudos all-around.

La la laaaaaaaaaaa

This weekend Sarah and I were driving back from Hershey and I was singing along with the band Ceili Rain. I was singin', singin', and singin' away and after the song ended Sarah turned to me and very earnestly said, "My Mom told me I'm tone-deaf but I still think you have a good voice."

I couldn't stop laughing.

The Goatee Record

I'm growing a goatee. Don't worry, it's not going to be around for very long. My friends John and Lisa throw a huge Oscar party every year and they've decided that this year everyone should dress accordingly. At first Lisa was going to have us dress as our favorite Oscar nominee from this year. And then it became any past Oscar winner. And now -- I think -- it's evolved into a Come As Any Movie Character.

When the parameters were still in the "Any Past Oscar Winner" phase, I decided who I was going to be. It would require minimum costume purchase and that was cool with me. In fact, all I'd really need to do is grow a mustache.  But I'm not a porn actor from the seventies or a child molester from any era, so I wasn't too keen on being "that guy" for the next month or so. I decided instead to grow out a goatee and then, on the day of the party, shave it to just the 'stache.

In the meantime I have a couple weeks' worth of growth and I look like most of my cousins did in the 10th grade. Now when I am introduced to people for the first time, this is who they think I am. The Guy With the Goatee. I met someone last week who knew me from the radio station but had never seen me and I was informed I looked "just how he pictured me."

I wanted to tell him this isn't actually how I look, but I didn't. I figured he probably wouldn't follow me when I explained to him I was only growing out this facial hair so  I could shave half of it off on the 24th and try to pass myself off as Kevin Kline from A Fish Called Wanda.

Yep. That's who I'm going to be. And, if you're like most people I know, you have no idea what film I'm talking about. Shame, really. It came out in 1988 and stars John Cleese, Kevin Kline, Jamie Lee Curtis, and Michael Palin. Is it any good? you may ask yourself. And I will answer your question with one of my own: When's the last time you heard of someone winning an Academy Award for a comedic role?

Yes, it's that good. And it holds up. Sarah had never heard of it and watched it a couple weeks ago and I'm pleased to say it kept her laughing.

So now all I need is a black ball cap (check), a grey shirt (check), a black tie (check), and a soul patch and mustache (check and almost check).

I'll get you, Jim Gaffigan

About two and a half years ago I wrote a blog about a funny idea I had for my stand-up comedy. I refused to mention what it was about lest one of you online freaks steal my idea.

Well, it happened. I squandered it and sat on it and did nothing with it and wouldn't you know it, someone else came up with the idea and put it on their last CD and did it well.

Granted, he didn't do it exactly how I had it in mind -- we both go in different directions -- but they start off similarly enough that people will probably now think I'm stealing from Jim Gaffigan. I'm not. And I didn't.

But doggonit anyhow. Oh well. That's what I get for hiding it under a bushel.

Dude, You're Getting a....Wait a Second

A couple blogs ago I posted a copy of an online conversation I had with a computer tech support technician. I'm gonna Tarantino this one a bit (as Dane Cook would say). This blog actually takes place before that post, so to make sure you're up to speed, I'll briefly recap.

One of the speakers on my laptop stopped working.

There. Now you're all caught up.

I went to the Dell website to see if I couldn't diagnose the problem on my own before having to wait in line to speak with a Dell Customer Support rep.

In order to proceed, I was asked to enter my computer's serial number. I had no idea how to find that and followed the easy step-bystep How To Locate Your Serial Number instructions. After locating the serial number I entered it in the box and hit "return."

I was greeted with an error message that the serial number entered corresponds with a computer that was purchased outside of the United States. That, I knew, was a bold-faced lie, as I was present at the Circuit City in Indiana when it was purchased.

I tried again, but got the same error message.

I concluded that I must be entering the wrong number. I entered every other combination of numbers I could find printed on the many stickers on the bottom of computer but none of them worked, either.

Stupid Dell computers!!!

I spent the next twenty minutes scouring the Dell website, trying to find alternate ways to locate my serial number since this clearly wasn't working, but to no avail. I cursed Dell and I cursed that stoner kid who used to do their commercials a few years ago.

And then I looked at my laptop and realized I had a Gateway.

Um.......Oops.

Still in Florida

Last night Sarah and I were watching 28 Weeks Later, the sequel to the zombie-type horror flick 28 Days Later. We had to turn the movie off halfway through.

Not because it was too scary (and it was).

Not because it was too intense (and it was intense, too).

Not because it was bloody and gory and violent (check, check, and check).

No...we had to stop the movie halfway through because we couldn't keep our hands off of each other.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you know the honeymoon hasn't ended.

My Chat with Mary

The left speaker on my laptop is no longer working. Please enjoy my conversation with Mary_GWER1660, a Gateway Customer Service Rep whom I suspect is a robot. A foreign robot.

Mary_GWER1660 says: Since you have mentioned that the right speaker is working, it simply means that the software and the integrated sound is working fine. It is possible that the speaker is have a loose internal connection.

Ed Placencia says: Does that mean I need to bring it in to the store?

Ed Placencia says: Or should I just shake it?

Mary_GWER1660 says: It is recommended that you send it back for repair to avoid further damage\

Ed Placencia says: OOOOOk. :(

Mary_GWER1660 says: I hope the information has adequately addressed your concerns. Is there anything that I can be of help to you?

Ed Placencia says: No, I guess that's it. Thanks for trying. Boo.

Mary_GWER1660 says: It was a pleasure working with you. My name and badge number are Mary_GWER1660. Thank you for using Gateway Remote Assistance and have a great day.

Ed Placencia says: It was a pleasure working with you too. Don't be a stranger.

Mary_GWER1660 says: Thanks.

Mary_GWER1660 says: Take care.

Ed Placencia says: I will. You take care as well. Have a good 2008.

Mary_GWER1660 says: Thanks.

Ed Placencia says: Are you a robot?

Mary_GWER1660 says: If you have no further concerns, you can click on End Session to close this window.

Ed Placencia says: Robot.

Buzz

Sarah and I were sitting at the kitchen table this morning when we heard the familiar buzz of a cell phone on "vibrate." At first I thought someone was calling me but it turned out to be Sarah's phone, the alarm set to 8:20.

A few minutes later the buzzing started again and Sarah said, "It must be 8:22."

I laughed. "You have your alarm set to 8:20 and 8:22?"

"Yeah," she said.

I couldn't think of why on earth she would have the alarms set to such seemingly random times.

"What happens at 8:20?" I asked.

Without hesitating she answered, "The first alarm goes off."

Just Hand Over the Goods

Right now Sarah and I are on a pretty strict budget. So, understandably, I was quite happy to win a coupon for a free gallon of Turkey Hill ice cream while I was at staff retreat last week. Sarah and I walked down to Turkey Hill to scope out our options and saw they were having a sale: Two for 6 bucks. That's a good price but when you're on a budget sometimes you have to bypass a good deal.

We took our gallon of ice cream and coupon and went to the front counter and the cashier told us, "You know we're having a sale on this. Two for $6."

"Yeah," I muttered to myself, "But I want one for free."

...And the Oscar (Hopefully) Doesn't Go To...

With the announcement of the Academy Award nominations this week, I have been working on my picks and predictions. Who will take home an Oscar this year? What will the ceremony be like in lieu of the writer's strike that blankets over Hollywood like the wrath of He-Who-Should-Not-Be-Named?

As I pore over the nominations I have come to the realization that a couple of the categories really stand out to me. I sincerely hope Ratatouille wins for Sound Editing, The Bourne Ultimatum for Sound Mixing, and Pirates of the Caribbean:At World's End for Visual Effects. Not because I'm terribly passionate about these films winning.

It's just that I never ever ever ever ever want to hear the phrase "...from the Academy Award winning Transformers."

Shut My Mouth

Life is filled with all kinds of opportunities to learn and one thing I'm learning is to keep my mouth shut. Or, more specifically, when to keep my mouth shut.

As much as I think of myself as an easy-going and carefree guy, I almost hate to admit that I actually have a lot of routines and have become a creature of habit. You have to do something this way or that way. Well, you don't have to do it a certain way but there are certainly better ways of doing something.

Or at least that's the mindset I realize I have. Or had. Have. But I'm trying to shake it.

Marriage will definitely show you areas you need to work on and brings to light all of those rough edges that may need smoothed out a bit. Sarah, whether she wants to or not, has been teaching me that I don't have all the answers or know all the "right" ways. I know. You're probably as surprised as I am, because I pretty much thought I had everything figured out.

The biggest area I've been challenged on, oddly enough, is cooking. Sarah approaches the kitchen differently than I do and I can learn something from her outlook. Let's say the subject is a pasta dish. I'll go online or check one of my cookbooks and find out what I need. If it calls for a cup of sauce, I'll measure out a cup. A half teaspoon of garlic warrants a half teaspoon. I follow the directions step-by-step and am usually rewarded with a tasty meal.

Sarah tackles it entirely differently. If Sarah wants to make that same pasta dish, she jumps in and just....starts to make it. Tackling it from a I-think-this-is-probably-what-goes-in point of view, mixed with a what-if-I-put-this-in approach straight from Ratatouille she goes to town. Measuring cups and measuring spoons are nowhere to be found.

I found myself warning Sarah about doing it "that way." You can't just throw things in there and hope it's the right combination. That's not how it's done, shouldn't be how it's done, and is only a recipe for disaster.

And sometimes I was right. Sometimes there was too much garlic or things would burn. But being right never brought the satisfaction I would normally get from proving myself correct and I wasn't sure why.

Some girl once told me that Elijah Wood (he played Frodo in the Lord of the Rings trilogy) played the little kid from E.T. I told her that no, that kid's name is Henry Thomas. And she insisted it was Elijah Wood. We went back and forth and I finally had to email her a link to IMDb (Internet Movie Database) to prove I was right. And that felt good. I showed her.

But in the case of Sarah and her cooking, I never felt good or vindicated when it turned out I was correct in my warnings.

And I don't think I should.

It shouldn't be about who's right or wrong (or more specifically if I'm right or wrong). I was thinking about this early this morning and realize now that every time I tell her that she's doing it wrong, her method is incorrect, it sends the message I don't trust you.

And the most ironic thing about it? I end up criticizing one of the things about her I love most: her zeal for life, the fact that she goes into it knowing she can do it -- the fact that she can't never enters her mind -- doubt never settles in long enough to tell her otherwise. I could use a little bit of that myself.

Last night Sarah wanted to make quesadillas. I've never made them myself but have been in the kitchen when my uncle John made them. The point is I've never made them myself. And yet for some reason when Sarah said she was going to try to cook them in the oven I still felt the need to point out they are cooked on the stove top in a griddle.

And then I stopped.

I wasn't helping. I wasn't doing any good. If anything, I was taking the joy of cooking out of it. And even though my tone was friendly what I was saying was wrong. She's showing love by cooking my dinner and all the thanks I had to offer was to let her know she wasn't doing it the right way?

I was instantly angry with myself. Who was I to say what's right and what isn't? How long ago was it when I was trying things for the first time and they didn't always turn out like the picture on the box? It wasn't so long ago that I should have forgotten about it already.

I decided to shut my mouth and let Sarah do her thing. And she rocked it out. I don't even know how she ended up making them and I didn't ask. I ate an entire plateful and even had some of hers that she couldn't finish. She did an amazing job and I was again upset that I would ever think to tell her she was wrong.

I'd like to blame the fact that I was sick all weekend for my lack of tact and thought, but why make excuses? To paraphrase Steve Martin, sometimes I'm just a big dumb guy.

Top Movies of 2007

Usually each January I poll my friends to find out what they thought the best movies of the previous year were. This year I decided to do something a little different and go to a few select pals who usually have some interesting insight and ask them to write about their top picks.

And so without further ado, here they are. The Best of 2007 according to people I know. And me.

My picks:

1. The Simpsons Movie
Quite simply the movie that made me laugh the most and the hardest all year. And I laughed a lot this year. Going into it I was a bit nervous about how much I'd like it because I haven't seen the TV series in about 8 years. But I didn't miss a thing because, quite simply, when something is funny, it's funny. And this was funny.
2. Dan in Real Life
Maybe I missed all the buzz on this one. But probably closer to the truth is the fact that there really wasn't any, and that's a shame. This one kinda slipped under everyone's radar and I don't really get why. I mean, after Little Miss Sunshine it should come as no surprise that Steve Carell can do a movie that isn't Anchorman-slapstick and still make a great movie (and be funny). Dan is no exception. When Dan sings his song in front of the family....wow....what a great scene. I almost lost it, I freely admit it. Plus Dane Cook. Score.
3. Hot Fuzz
The guys who brought you Shaun of the Dead are back (along with most of the S.O.T.D. cast) and finally cop/buddy movies are fun again.
4. Sunshine
Loved it. Blogged about it. Read it.
5. Ratatouille
Really, can Pixar do no wrong?
6. Once
I could go on and on about how cool this Irish indie film is but every time I've tried to tell someone about it, I never seem to capture how cool it actually is, so you'll just have to take my word for it. If you're a music fan, this is a definite must-see.
7. Superbad
Yes it was raunchy. Yes it was rude. Yes when it was over Sarah turned to me and said, "I hope our kids don't talk like that." But that doesn't mean I we didn't laugh our heads off.
8. 3:10 to Yuma
Once again Russell Crowe (an actor I hate) stars in a western movie (a genre I hate) and I loved it. Between this and The Quick and the Dead he's a wily guy.
9. Knocked Up
Yea. I admit it. I've become a Judd Apatow fan. But who hasn't?
10. Grindhouse
This is one of those you-had-to-be-there films. Seeing this in the theater was a roller coaster ride like nothing I've experienced at the theater. A double feature of crazily over-the-top action films with ridiculous fake trailers in between. My buddies and I (but not my brother) experienced a ride that may never be captured again.

My Worst of '07
I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry - Hey...anybody know where I can hear some really bad gay jokes? Over and over. And over. And over. And over. And over. (Repeat as desired)
Reno 911 - Aw, man....and I really like the TV show. I think the whole premise of the movie was "Wait...you mean we don't have to blur out the boobs? DONE." And as a result, they ended up blurring out the funny.
Pirates 3- Hi, I'm Johnny Depp. How about in this one it's just me running around the boat but the boat's crew is a hundred other me's? But for no real reason. It'll be fun!
Transformers - I really thought I was going to like this one and then halfway through realized "Oh wait...I'm not a 17-year old."

Keith Soljacich is a writer/filmmaker living in the Chicago area. His work has been recognized at the Chicago 48 Hour Film Festival three years in a row, and in 2007 his short film Last Hand won the City Award to compete in the National finals.

Went in to the year with high hopes came out with mostly disappointment

Best...
1. Knocked Up
I picked this as my favorite movie of 07 because I had really high hopes going in to the movie and it exceeded my expectations. It was easily the funniest movie of the year, and for me a good comedy goes a long way.
2. The Simpsons Movie
3. American Gangster
4. Hot Fuzz
5. Superbad
6. 300
7. Grindhouse
8. Zodiac
9. Aliens vs. Predator
10. Hot Rod

Worst...
Balls of Fury (surprise surprise), Everything but Venom in Spidey 3, Good Luck Chuck, Rush Hour 3, Black Snake Moan (boring), License to Wed

Best TV of 07
Lost, Curb Your Enthusiasm (You got some long ass balls Larry), 30 Rock, Weeds, The Soup, The Office

Best Shows I Never Watched Before 2007 (Netflix is great)
Dexter, House, Weeds, Veronica Mars, Monk



John Allenlives in Louisville and works in sales with EMI in the national music retail division. John has also worked at Gotee Records in the same capacity and is an aficionado of all pop culture. John also maintains a great blog.

There were a ton of films I didn't see this year. In fact, if I had seen everything I wanted to, I would have probably had a completely different list. But all that said here is my end of the year ten best and a few random awards:

Biggest Misuse of Talent:We Own The Night/ Duvall.

Pheonix. Walberg. Mendes' Breast (just one). And its a cop story set 20 years ago. What more did it need? A plot that ways at least marginally believable. Oh and something more believable than a cocaine using Jaoquin leading a police raid 10 minutes after we see him doing said cocaine.

Movie I Refuse To See Since Ed's On the Cutting Room Floor: August Rush

Biggest Destruction of a Well Performing Series: Spider Man 3.

Everyone's mailing it in and Spidey has never been a bigger joke than in this one. Reluctant Hero? That's Tobey Mac. Cocky Superstud? Not so much.

Biggest Hypocrite: Robert Redford/Meryl Streep/Tom Cruise/Lion From Lambs

They spend two hours having what seems to be a logical discussion of the war on terror, only to have it come to conclusion of how all the right wing/republican perspective is propaganda and lies for foolish kids to believe, which really just makes the whole movie feel like left wing propaganda. Could have been so much more.

The Top Ten

1a) 3:10 To Yuma

I Never saw the original and honestly its not all that original, but I love a good western. This one killed me. I went in with low expectations and was happily blown away. Ben Foster is downright sinister and always brings something to the table. On a related note, Christian Bale is steadily becoming one of my favorite actors.

1b) The Kingdom

I love these type of films and the trailer had me dying to see it. Nothing but a bunch of actors I love and a great "state of our times" kind of story. Here's a hint Hollywood: if you put Chris Cooper in it, chances are I will least pay the "on demand" fee to see it (ala Breach). But here is why it was so great. It tackled a political theme and did so without turning into a propaganda piece (for the right or the left). Tim McGraw is on screen for 2 minutes tops and literally moved Kara and I to tears (almost). Just a great film. A thrill ride with plot, dialogue and characters (someone forgot to tell Bruckheimer or Bay this is possible). Great movie!

2.5) Juno

3) American Gangster

True Story? Check. Oscar Winning Actors? Check and check? Good Supporting cast? A little overuse of rappers as actors, but nonetheless check.

This movie was pretty good. Only one thing bothered me. As a true story the writers knew how it would end (stop reading here if you haven't seen it......)

The knew Washington and Crowe's characters would end up working together to take down bigger criminals. They knew the two would become friends. If they knew this, than why spend so much time turning Washington's character into such a cold-blooded killer/criminal? Why showing violently killing so many people and being blind to his own ambition to end the movie on the "hey look we're buddies now" tip? Other than that, good movie

4) Meet The Robinsons

We are forced at times to take Jake to movies we would never choose to see ourselves. On a trip in March to Ohio Jake and I went and saw this. Kara's grandpa was dying and I needed to get Jake out of the hospital before he started climbing the walls. This was the only kids friendly film at the theater in the little town so we went. In short we got a great movie with a tremendous message and some really fun laughs. Sure its campy, but its a kids flick so whaddya want?!? Haven't seen it? You should.

5 & 6) Harry Potter/Bourne Ultimatum

Here's the deal. You would really have to "mail it in" for you to screw up these series in my life. I love the Harry films and this is the best one yet. They successfully managed to capture the bulk of what was the biggest of the books to this point and not leave mush out. The only knock on this film is it could have been longer. Same thing with Bourne. The movies are not even close to the books but I love the action and the attitude. Damon was Bourne * to play the role and they tap into Bond style espionage, better than Bond ever has.

(*thanks Gene Shalit)

7 & 8) Knocked Up/Superbad Combo

To you its fairly obvious why these should count as one film, so I will throw this out there, as it is a great story.

I'm in Ft Lauderdale with my boy Rick, who is a pastor here in KY. Rick has to be pretty selective with what he goes to see in theaters as he works with kids and you never know when one might walk out of the theater and ask what you're seeing. Can't tell an impressionable 15 yr old, you're seeing "Knocked Up." So Ricky often doesn't see these until they are ON Demand. Well, we're in FTL and we decide we're gonna see a movie. We want to see Superbad, but it doesn't start for another hour to which, Rick says, well I haven't seen "Knocked Up" yet and its ON Demand back at the hotel. This leads me to say, in front of about 10 people no less, "well, let's go back to the hotel and get Knocked Up." Good times

9) Grindhouse

Really not much of a Tarantino fan but his half of this B Movie double feature stands up well over time. Rodriguez is one of my favs and he delivers as usual here. It's worth it if only for the fake movie trailers with such great tag lines as: "White Met. Dark Meat. This year everyone gets carved. "

10) Live Free or Die Hard

Cheesy as hades at times, but John McClaine gets the nod here, for one line in the movie. There's a scene were he's riding with his sidekick (the guy from "Accepted" and the Mac commercials) and there having this talk about why McClaine is always trying to be the hero and McClaine says because no else is. Perfect. It fits in the movie, but it also speaks to my generation a bit. McClaine, Rambo and Balboa are all back because, there's an abscence of that type of hero in movies today. Nostalgic piece, but I enjoyed it.



Stacey Gagne works at WJTL and is deeply involved in music, movies, and all things pop culture. Stacey is also a published writer and keeps a blog at Infuze.

Amazing Grace: Powerful and Inspiring
The Bucket List. Great Mix of comedy and drama. I laughed, I cried, I reminded myself to get my passport and get to livin!
PS I Love You. Sweet love story, not necessarily the expected ending.
Hairspray: fun, and I always love a musical
Music and Lyrics Drew and Hugh... what could be better
Wild Hogs: Great cast, I like a movie I can watch with anyone once in a while.
Shrek the Third You gotta love a Shrek movie, although i feel like the jokes are all out on the table now...
Pirates: Again, well done, but nothing beats the first one
Spider Man 3: I liked the darkness of this one
Premonition: lots of twists, but so heart breaking!!

Others I saw:
> Evan Almighty: cute but not hysterical, just cute
> Blades of Glory: funny, but too raunchy for me
> Ratatouille: cute and fun, I think I enjoyed it more because of the company I was with... I think it might have been a little slow otherwise
> Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: another Harry...
> Atonement: well done, but so depressing... I can't bring myself to put in my top 10

Brad Moist is a movie and music wizard. We also met at Gotee Records and he went on to found the record label Mono Vs Stereo. Brad is still involved in the music and is a contributing music reviewer for CCM Magazine. Brad not only has his hand on the pulse of what is cool but also what is about to be cool.

1. TRANSFORMERS
2. The Kingdom
3. 300
4. Sunshine
5. The Lookout
6. 30 Days of Night
7. Shoot 'Em Up
8. Live Free or Die Hard
9. Smokin' Aces
10. Disturbia



Sarah Placencia is a fitness instructor who can also make one mean white mocha (being a Barista Supreme will have that affect). She loves movies and has declared her goal of becoming a movie geek.

1. Hot Fuzz
I  am a big fan of 'Shaun of the Dead' and I am definitely planning on seeing 'Run, Fat Boy, Run!'. Simon Pegg, yeah he's cool.
2. Mr. Bean's Holiday
I could watch this movie over and over. Rowan Atkinson is brilliant!
3. Ratatouille
Very cute movie.WARNING: Do not think you are a chef after seeing this movie, some foods should not be made into soup. My bad.
4. Simpsons Movie
Pure Classic. This was actually the first movie that I watched by myself in the theater and I still laughed out loud, alot.
5. Once
This movie was great. At first I had wished for a different ending, but then I thought 'who am I to think it should end a certain way?' And in a way it didn't really have an ending. It was a film about new beginnings, which are stories that I'm all for.
6. Superbad
Sure these guys are crude and cuss like sailors but in the end, they really are 'gentlemen'. And it goes to show how important friendships really are......now all together...'aaaawwwwww'.
7. Sweeney Todd
Hmmmm. The music, the makeup, the actors were very intriguing. Who knew that I would actually rooting for their 'meat pie' shop to flourish...I'm gonna go see my psych...right now.
8.Shoot Em' Up
Am I dude? Sometimes I wonder....heh, but I actually really like this movie. It had a Rodriguez/Tarantino feel to it. And I have a weird # that I see at random times in my life. It shows up in this movie for a split second, right before it gets 'shot up'. Look for it; 1026......yeah I'm weird.
9.Freedom Writers
This movie is true story that shows the determination of one teacher reaching out to help her students excel, not only at school but in life. It's encouraging to see how one person can do so much. Highly recommended.
10.August Rush
I'd say this movie was pretty much amazing. It made me really appreciate music, and I don't even play anything. Great story as well.

Todd Sattison is my oldest friend...not that he's the oldest person I know, but that we've known each other  were 4 and 5 years old. Todd's a big movie buff who's always up for a trip to the theater.



1.300- The best I've seen this year. THIS IS SPARTA!!!! What a wonderful film.
2.Smokin Aces-  Fantastic Cast. Ryan Reynolds was really good in this.
3.The Number 23- I'm not sure why I liked this movie so much. It just had me from beginning to end.
4.Fracture- Nobody plays the part like Anthony Hopkins.
5.Disturbia- I rented this movie and thought I would hate it and I ended up loving it.
6.Mr. Brooks- I really have to rave about this movie. Kevin Costner was great as a bad guy. The "I can't believe I didn't see this sooner movie".
7.1408- I really don't like Cusack that much, but he pulled it together for this Stephen King story.
8.The Bourne Ultimatum- Love this story. Can't wait for the next one???????
9.Superbad- Funniest movie I have seen this year.
10. 3:10 to Yuma- Crowe and Bale were both great in this western.
 
Going to see No Country for Old Men this weekend and could bump someone.

So...how'd we do? Agree with our picks? Think we're way off? Leave us a comment below with your thoughts!

Say What You Mean

I had a meeting yesterday with someone I'm not a big fan of (and, truth be told, they're probably not president of the Ed Fan Club, either). They had me shut the door to the office when I entered and as soon as I sat they glared at me and grumbled, "Ok, I'm not judging you."

Which made me laugh because when someone shoots M-80s at you with their eyes and says, "Ok, I'm not judging you" we all know what they're really saying is, "Hey guess what? I'm totally gonna judge you."

A Little "Sunshine"

I'm getting ready to do my annual "Top Movies of the Year" blog and have bumped all of the films that came out in 2007 to the top of my Netflix list in an attempt to see as many films that I missed as possible before the deadline next week.

This weekend Sarah and I watched a movie neither of us knew anything about but, thanks to a rave review in "Entertainment Weekly," it didn't slip past us. Actually I probably shouldn't speak for Sarah because I don't know if she really liked it as much as I did. So I'll just say that I loved Sunshine.

The premise of the film is a little laughable: It's the future and the sun is dying so a crew of folks have been sent into space to shoot a bomb into the sun and jump-start it. I know, I know, I thought the same thing. No wonder I've never heard of it. Sounds like something on the bottom shelf at the video store that my Dad would bring home.

I was wrong.

I'll start off by saying I was grateful this film avoided the familiar trap that so many "a-team-of-scientists/explorers/adventurers-are-sent-into-space/the jungle/underwater" films fall into. Sure the personalities on the team are varied but there isn't the usual Tough Lesbian or Macho Jock or Sniveling Coward or Black Guy in Camouflage character that seems to populate every other film in this genre. And I gotta say, it was refreshing. They were just a bunch of people on a spaceship doing what you would assume people would do on a spaceship. No one chomped on a cigar while holding a machine gun and no one did chin-ups every morning and no one--no one--sported a tough New Joizey accent.

MMmmmm, I'm enjoying the freshness already!

Without trying to sound to punny, there was a lot of space in this film; a lot of time to breathe and some of the scenes that were the strongest were those without words. The director (the same guy who did Trainspotting) let the visuals speak for themselves without feeling the need to over-explain everything to the audience with needless exposition.

The film will no doubt be compared to Stanley Kubrick's 2001:A Space Odyssey and I don't think that's fair. Mostly because I thought 2001 sucked. Big time. I know it's a classic, I know it's on every critic's must-see and best-of list, and I know I'm supposed to like it. But I didn't. In my opinion (which happens to be the one I prefer) it's a long, drawn-out, overrated piece of space poop. If you haven't seen it, let me break it down for you:

Monkeys in the middle of the desert find a big stone...thing. Then suddenly we're in a spaceship and the spaceship gets a mind of its own and decides to take over and kills the crew. The last crew member dies--I think--but then suddenly isn't dead and instead is transported to a big white IKEA showroom and has dinner with some dude. The End.

Confused? Yea, me too. Consider yourself lucky. I sat through the entire 7-hour snoozefest telling myself Ok, this HAS to get better....At some point this will all make sense. Surprise!!! It doesn't and it won't.

Where was I? I got sidetracked a bit but my loathing for the 2001 hype actually makes me angry.

Oh wait, I remember....

Sunshine, though, is good. You're not quite sure what is around the corner and that's a good thing. I had never seen any trailers for it, which any more love to give away everything about the plot whether or not it ruins it for you. It was nice to be in a situation for once where I could relate to the characters because I didn't know what would happen next. And by the end of the film, I had answers. Whether I agreed with them or not or whether I liked them or not, at least I had them.

Here, a few days after seeing the film, I still find myself thinking about it, contemplating the characters I met along the way and the decisions that were made on their journey. And it's been a long time since a film did that. And that's the true test of a good film, I think. Not only did I enjoy the couple hours I spent watching it, but it also provided residual enjoyment. And that's something a group of apes grunting at a stone monolith can never do for you.

Feeling Festive

Today I am submitting to my very first film festival ever. My buddy Hiram Ring gave me the heads up about a week ago and I thought I'd give it a shot. It's the Rumschpringe:Winter 2008 Very Short Film Festival and my package is all ready to be sent out.

In case you're curious, the film I am submitting is my comedic (hopefully) short film, The Failures of Ed. I'll keep you posted if I hear anything back. Wish me luck!

A Fisher of Fishes

Last night I had a dream that, I believe, was full of metaphors and symbolism. Unfortunately, I'm not good at that kind of thing so just a heads up to God that if You're trying to tell me something, I ain't gettin' it. You might try using handwriting on the wall; I'm not one for picking up on subtle hints. But if possible, please use something that is easily removed from the wall, as I want to get back my security deposit.

I've forgotten most of it except the end: In my dream I knocked over a huge 50-gallon aquarium that belonged to my brother and I immediately began scampering around trying to save all the fish. I realize now how stupid it was because for such a huge tank, only holding 7 or 8 tiny fish now seems like overkill.

A few of the fish stopped flopping around and I feared they were dead because they had turned hard and solid like wood chips. However, I put them in a pot I filled with water and after a few seconds they were OK again. So yea, I pretty much saved the day. Although if I hadn't knocked the aquarium over in the first place, we wouldn't have had to worry about it at all.

So that was my weird dream last night. If it was a coded message or warning of some sort, I'm sorry. No comprendo. If a pet store is attacked today or if Mrs. Paul falls into a vat of fish batter I'm sorry I didn't warn you ahead of time. I'm only one man.

Did You Hear Something?

There have been times when I have found myself in a public restroom. And there have also been times when I would hear noises in that bathroom, disturbing noises echoing from inside the stall. Noises that no human should ever have to hear. Sometimes it's a low rumbling and sometimes it sounds like a peacock being beaten to death with a sock full of tootsie pops. Sometimes the person in the stall responsible for the noises makes noises in reaction to the noises as if they are surprised or startled or angry (and maybe they are...perhaps even all three at once).

"Ahhhhh."
"MMMgggh!"
"Oh!"
"Hunnnnnnnnnhhhh."
"What the-?"
"Whhhhhhewww."

The part that intrigues me, though, is the part when I'm at the sink washing my hands and the person comes out from inside the stall and looks at me and smiles like he didn't just shoot rocks and sulfur out of his butt.

And it's very hard for me to not just start yelling at them, "Are you kidding me?! How can you even show your face?! What's wrong with you?! You should be ashamed of yourself!! In fact, you should be hiding in that stall right now, waiting to come out until after I leave because you should be ashamed to look me in the eye!! How dare you sit in there and grunt and groan and curse and swear and heave and ho and make me listen to your rectal shenanigans and then come out here and act like I couldn't hear you and smile at me like your butt isn't burning?! Unclean!! Unclean!! Don't touch me!!!! Un-freaking-clean!!!"

But I don't. I never do anything cool.

Hello. Care if I bring you down?

Foul-weather friends. Can't stand 'em.

We're all familiar with the more-popular "fair weather friend," the people you never ever hear from until something goes well for you. Just ask people who have a lake cottage if they hear from their buddies more often in June or December. You just got a big-screen plasma TV? Great. Guess who's going to get drop-in visits from his long-lost buddies Sunday afternoon while the game is on? You won the lottery? Super. Your 4th cousin thrice-removed has been trying to get in touch with you.

But I guess I'd rather have a fair-weather friend than a foul-weather friend. At least with fair-weather friends it means something good happened to you.

Not so with the dreaded "fouler." These are people who consider you a friend (no comment on how you may actually feel about them) who only contact you when they want to stir up some drama. You never get a "how you doing" or a "for the heck of it" call. Nah. What's the use in that? Can't use it.

But if someone hurts their feelings or does something they don't agree with or looks at them the wrong way, then let's go to the phone lines.

Don't get me wrong. If my pals are going through a genuinely rough time I'm the first to lend an ear. I want to be there and I want to help. If, however, your diet consists of gossip, rumor, complaining, and drama then please lose my number. Life is wayyyy too short to let the little things get you down.

A couple of weeks ago in church the preacher was talking about a bad day he had. In the morning he was shortchanged $7.00 in a transaction and was unable to get it back. It kind of set things into motion and ruined his day from that point on. We've all been there; get the day started on the wrong foot and sometimes it's hard to get back into rhythm. By the end of the day this guy had thought about this and stewed and pondered over it and then it hit him: He sold his joy for seven bucks.

What kind of state are we in when losing seven dollars or stepping in a puddle or something equally minute can rob us of happiness for an entire day? And if that's not bad enough, why do we insist on bringing others into our depressing state of mind over nothing?

I'm talking to myself here, not just pointing the finger at others. Misery does indeed love company. But that doesn't mean company loves misery.

There's too much in life to laugh at and not enough time to laugh at it all. Instead of getting involved in the drama, why not take time to check out the comedy?

The Results Are In

I just got off the phone a few minutes ago with the director from the Ephrata Playhouse regarding "The Pillowman" callback I went to yesterday. It seems that he decided to go with The Other Guy for the role I was up for. It's all good though (for real, and for honest) because The Other Guy (no disrespect...I just don't remember his name) did a really good job at the callback and he made me laugh. He's a funny guy.*

The director did ask if I would be interested in playing a much smaller role in the play and I said sure. He sounded surprised that I would accept. Maybe it was because I started off reading for the lead role and he didn't think I'd take a smaller role? Or maybe it was because he was hoping I'd turn it down. Hm. Let me think on that one. :)

He also indicated he'd like me to come back to the season callbacks, which are callbacks for all of the shows the theater will be doing this season. He told me he'd like me to read for a role in "A Streetcar Named Desire" and also for an improv show revolving around fairy tales.

Now you're talking my language. :)

*This is a quote from Three Amigos! by the bad guy Jefe, played by Alfonso Arau. I am unable to say the words "He's a funny guy" without saying it in my bad Mexican accent. Just thought I'd let you know. Thank you, John Landis!

The Callback

Yesterday I went to a callback for the play "The Pillowman." (For those of you who don't know what a callback is, it's basically the second round of auditions. Kinda like when you watch "American Idol" and some kids get the yellow slip of paper to "go to Hollywood, dog" for a second look.)

I went to the audition last month and was given a copy of the script to peruse for yesterday. It's an extremely dark comedy and although the things I were reading were horrible I was impressed with the writing that I still found myself laughing at what was going on. If it happens that I'm cast in the show, I'm in for a fun time.

So how did it go, yesterday? Eh. I don't know. There were about 10 of us there and it started by each of us introducing ourselves, talking about which part(s) we liked, and our general over-all thoughts on the play. From there they had us read a few different scenes quite a few times and the director would mix it up a bit each time, having someone read a different part, so he could get a feel of who might fit where.

I felt I did OK. But of course, when I would finish each reading I didn't sit down and think about how well I did but would find myself wondering what I should have done differently. Second-guessing yourself like that can really wreak havoc on your brain if you let it (and I sometimes do)so I decided to just let what happens happen and enjoy the other auditioners.

There's a law in the stand-up world that the worst crowd to play to is a crowd of comedians. No one wants to laugh because by laughing you're letting the audience, the club manager, the talent scout know that "Hey that guy on stage is funny! I may not be, but boy he sure is!!" Sometimes it's the same thing at auditions. You don't want to respond positively to other people auditioning because ultimately, you're going against that person, and you don't want to give them any extra leverage.

I say screw all that.

If there's anything I learned doing improv at the National Comedy Theatre, it's that it's about teamwork; doing what you can to make the other guy look good. Life's too short to worry about the whole competition part of it. It as nice to be able to sit back between readings and laugh and enjoy the other guys auditioning. They were really good, a really talented bunch of guys, and I'm always up for seeing talented people do what they do best.

So I don't know if I'll get the call today or not. If I do, that'll be a lot of fun. If not, I can see why. Those guys yesterday were good.

Finding "Lost"

Sarah and I have been watching the third season of "Lost" on DVD. I've seen it already; she hasn't. It's been fun watching her react to all of the twists and turns and remembering how I reacted to each revelation as it unfolded. (Unfortunately, she read the recent issue of Entertainment Weekly which featured "Lost" on the cover and, in the first 2 paragraphs, found out some surprises she didn't yet know about. Whoops.)

The best thing about watching Sarah watch "Lost" is the vast array of comments -- many times very contradictory -- she yells at the TV. Observe:

"Save him!"
"Kill him!"
"Aw..."
"What a b!"
"Go, Jin! Awesome kick!"
"Come on! You kill people for a living!"
"This show makes my head hurt."
"I'm too tense. I need to stop."
"Wanna watch another one?"
"He's going to die in this one, isn't he?"
"I always wanted to kick like that."
"I don't get why they don't just get along with each other."
"Kill him!!!!!!"

Saved by Safety

Have you heard about the people who have thrown their Wii remote controls through their TV set? I recall when Nintendo first released their innovative game system hearing about people who, swinging their remotes wildly while playing a game, would lose their grip and send the little plastic piece hurtling through their beloved TV set.

I would laugh openly at their idiocy. Who would do something like that, even unintentionally? I guess I'm just lucky because I've never had a baseball bat slip through my hands on a hard swing or lose my grip on a bowling ball in mid-swing so I couldn't relate. I've seen people accidentally send a bat or ball flying across the infield or bowling alley, and laughed at them, too. These must be the kind of people Nintendo and Wii invented the strap for.

That's right. They had to start adding a little strap to the remotes for people to wrap around their wrist in case they lost their grip and I thought that was a little like wearing a helmet while scrapbooking. Just hold on to it, people. How hard can it be?

A couple of days ago I was playing Wii (or, as my wife says, "Wii-ing it up") and I was playing bowling. I was determined to make it to the pro level and determined to take out the wretched 7-10 split I was facing. I tried to add a little extra spin to my throw and at the last second, at the apex of my hard swing, I felt the remote slip out of my hands.

Luckily, I was wearing the idiot-proof strap and the remote simply clunked against my hand.

I laughed nervously at myself. It happened. I was one of them.

Sad or Cool?

I can distinctly remember being in my early 20s and looking down on people in their 30s who listened to the same popular music I was listening to. Who are these sad people, I thought, who refuse to grow up and are trying to be all young and stuff and they're not and that's just weird and sad.

Flash forward 15 years and here I am listening to Akon, Daughtry, Rihanna, AFI, The Send and whatever else happens to be playing on my local hit radio station. I'm not listening to Dan Fogelberg or the Rolling Stones or Pink Floyd like people over 28 are supposed to listen to.

I don't know if that makes me cool or sad or somewhere in between. But the fact that I have to question how cool I am probably pushes the needle closer to the "sad" reading.

Scab for Hire

OK, I'm probably not the only person who's sick of this writer's strike currently preventing me from seeing new episodes of "Saturday Night Live," "The Office," and "30 Rock" and pretty much guaranteeing me only a partial season of "Lost" and "24." Not only are my favorite shows MIA but I now have an excess of bland reality shows to choose from like "The Singing Bee," "Do You Know the Words," "Battle of the Choirs," "Nunfight 2008," "Are You Dumber Than A Redneck," and "So You Want to Be Famous for 10 Minutes, Too."

And so I have decided to cross the picket line (sorry Writer's Guild, but something tells  I'm not burning any bridges here...it's not like I'm a card-carrying member or anything...or have any chance of being so). So this is a proclamation to all interested TV studios/production companies that I'll take the bullet and step in and write a few episodes for ya, just so I can watch something new on TV.

I read a couple of weeks ago that the last time the talks between the writers and the union fell through, the writers turned down an offer that would garner them $250,000/year. You're getting a bargain with me. This is an offer you can't refuse: Pay me $175,000 a year and I'll write your TV shows and try to find a way to eke out an existence on my new-found  meager earnings.

Sounds like a deal to me. You get new episodes, it's easier to get advertising, and I get to figure out how in the world I could possibly survive on a 6-figure income. What have we got to lose?

Let's do this.

A "Great" Time

Last night Sarah and I rang in the new year at Linford and Trish's house. We met some cool new people, hung out with familiar friends like Ann and Stacey, and played a lot of games: an Amish card game called 9-Spot or 9-Down or something to do with the number 9, Mad Gab, something called blabble or gaburgle or some weird name. It's a card game by the makers of Cranium (which, in my opinion, is why you shouldn't just make up words to name games....because then no one can remember what it was to pass along the name). We played Apples to Apples and then I got a chance to finally import The Great Dalmuti to Pennsylvania.

My family and I first stumbled across this card game back in California after I read a rave review about it in a magazine. We would play it all the time but soon the game became impossible to find (I still don't know what happened to the version I had in California). I couldn't find it in toy stores or department stores or book stores or any of the usual places. I found it once on eBay but it was in German and a few weeks ago Sarah and I stumbled upon it in a comic book store when we were looking for Settlers of Catan.

This was the first time I got to teach it to my Pennsylvania buddies last night and it was a lot of fun (they told me that it is very similar to a Mennonite game called "Scum" but I'd never heard of it). After the game we all packed into the living room to watch Dick Clark ring in the new year and I secretly wondered why the Henson Company couldn't step in and help this guy out. If they can make a frog ride a bike then certainly they could help this guy along recovery road.

 All in all it was a good time. I won one of the rounds of Apples to Apples and I spent a good amount of time as "The Great Dalmuti." The snacks were really good and the company was top notch.

 Happy New Year indeed. :)

Reading Railroad 2007

Well, here's a list of the books I read in 2007. I have been trying each year to read more books than I did the previous year, but didn't quite make it in '07. Some books took almost forever to get through ("Lisey's Story," read in 60-minute increments every couple of weeks while I was at the laundry mat) and others I zipped through a bit quicker ("Born Standing Up," read cover-to-cover in just under two hours).

So, here they are. Because I know you care. :)

A Girl Named Zippy – Haven Kimmel
The Shining – Stephen King
The Traveler – John Twelve Hawks
The Dead Zone – Stephen King
Cycle of the Werewolf – Stephen King
Book – Whoopi Goldberg
Ricky Gervais presents: The World of Karl Pilkington - Karl Pilkington
The Five Love Languages - Gary Chapman
The Mothman Prophecies - John A. Keel
Jaws - Peter Benchley
Cyrano de Bergerac - Edmond Rostand
Tourist Season - Carl Hiassen
Lisey’s Story - Stephen King
Me, Myself, and Bob: A True Story About God, Dreams, and Talking Vegetables - Phil Vischer
The Old Man and the Sea - Ernest Hemingway
Born Standing Up - Steve Martin