Of Pizza, Milton, and Patrick Dempsey

I have the coolest luck with Papa Johns delivery. And when I say "coolest luck" what I actually mean is "funny story material."

When I first moved into my apartent here in downtown Lancaster, my pizza delivery person was a woman who only had two fingers on each hand. Not that that's funny, but I bet my expression when I opened the door was. I guess it was the last thing I expected to see.

She used to have to call the apartment every time she delivered pizza because she always got lost. I didn't mind, though, because it always served as a bit of a heads up that she was my delivery driver and I could steel myself for her arrival and practice my lack of surprised reaction.

But after a few months she was gone and then it was your standard rotation of nondescript delivery guys and gals.

Until last night.

Last night I got Milton from Office Space.


He called me on the phone to ask directions to my house and after our conversation, I wasn't sure what to expect.

Papa Johns Milton: What side of the house is your street on?
Me: It'll be on the left-hand side. The house number is 440. The house numbers on the street aren't the easiest to see, but I'm in between Ann Street and Lime Street.
PJM: Yea, the house numbers in the city are hard. I bet that's why people get shot and it's hard to find them.
Me: .....Yea.
PJM: I have a Papa John's sign on top of my car but it's broken. My blinkers are on. Will you go outside and come get me?
Me: Um...yea...I'll stand on the porch and look for you.
PJM: Ok, here I come!

It's important to note that Sarah was sleeping while all of this was going on otherwise I probably would have told her to get the video camera or something and film the transaction because I knew this was going to be good.

I stood on the porch and watched him as he drove down the street, stopping about 75 yards away and just idling in the middle of the street. After about 25 seconds he made his way down to where I was and he came out of the car with my pizza delights. As he approached he saw the pen I was holding and the conversation took off from there.

PJM: Did you order online?
Me: Yep.
PJM: If you ordered online you don't have to sign a receipt.
Me: Oh, ok.
PJM: Did anyone ever tell you you look like Patrick Dempsey?
Me: Heh heh, no, I don't think so.
PJM: Well I say yes! Thanks for the tip! (Yes, when you pay for your pizza online, you can also include the tip right then and there, and I was feeling a bit generous this weekend and tipped about 35%. I don't know why. I guess I sensed the blog material that was coming my way.)
Me: You're welcome.
PJM: I'm the one at the store who made your apple crisps.
Me: Oh, that's cool.
PJM: Yeah so thanks for the tip. I gave you a whole bunch-a frosting.
Me: Oh!....um....Yum!

Just for the record, I don't really look like Patrick Dempsey. I think it's just because it was 10 o'clock on a Friday night and my hair was kind of out of control and poofy.

New Facebook Can Suck It

If you've read my blog for long then you know I'm not opposed to change (I think I've changed the layout here 3 times in the last 2 months). So when Facebook announced they were going to be making some changes to their layout, I didn't think much of it.

Until they changed it.

What was once laid out in a simple, linear fashion is now a jumble of stuff just kind of thrown onto the page, much like what MySpace did a year or so ago (prompting my decision to give up on them). For a while Facebook gave you the option of keeping the old design or trying the new one. I think I knew one person who stuck with the new one. I used to be able to pop in to Facebook, do my thing, and zip out. Not the case anymore. Now I have to pop in, go to this page to do that, this other page to do that, click here and then hover over this to do the other thing....

I understand that in the grand scheme of things Facebook changing their layout is no big thing. There are way worse things to be upset about. But now that Facebook has forced the change on everyone and there is no "old version" to opt for, the more I use it, the more I find things that frustrate me about the new layout.

I don't spend a lot of time on stuff that frustrates me, so I may or may not be hanging out on Facebook as much as usual. My updates may not be as prompt, my time spent there much shorter. I won't be browsing your photos or videos as much as I'd like and your notes may go un-commented on. It's not that I don't care.

It seems a majority of the people I've spoken to feel the same way, and I dare Facebook to man up and admit they are wrong. If Coke can admit their mistake and bring back the original flavor, then so can you, Facebook. New Facebook sucks.

And Tom, from MySpace, before you start celebrating, put away your champagne, sparkly bling banner ads, and annoying promos that blast me with sounds upon login. I'm not going back to MySpace, either. Fool me once, shame on you.

Is Friendster still around?

McCain: A Gut Reaction

Tonight Sarah was channel surfing and came upon John McCain. A close-up of John McCain. And all I heard was this exclamation:

"He's so old. He looks like a toad! Someone give him a diaper and a donut!"

I'm not sure why a donut was recommended and/or involved in her reaction, but it still made me laugh.

 

 

Finger Lickin' Secretive

Saw this come down the news-wire yesterday:

For the first time in 68 years, the Colonel's secret recipe is being moved from its safe at Kentucky Fried Chicken's Louisville headquarters. They are actually using a high security motorcade to transport the recipe of eleven herbs and spices to an undisclosed location. Colonel Sander's hand-written recipe is being moved temporarily to allow upgrades in the security around the safe that protects it. KFC says only two of its executives know the secret recipe.  A third executive knows the combination to the safe where the recipe's kept. And less than a handful of KFC employees know the identities of the three executives, who, by the way, are not allowed to travel in the same vehicle.

Really?

I hate to burst anyone's bubble, but just thought I should let KFC know they can loosen security just a little bit. That's right, guys. Unclench.

To be honest...and I know it's hard to hear it...the chicken's not that good. I mean...I've had just-as-good from a box in the grocery store. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate KFC, but seriously the chicken isn't motorcade-worthy, nor is it CIA-level tasty. "Finger-lickin'" good is even stretching it, actually. 

But at least now we have the plot for National Treasure 3: Book of Secrets No One Is Really That Interested In Stealing.

What to Wear...to Church?

I don't know how you were raised, but as far as I'm concerned if you don't wear your very best to church, then something in your life is seriously messed up. Who are these people wearing jeans and t-shirts to church? Unacc-freakin-ceptable. This is church, people, not a Gin Blossoms concert. We're praising God, not trying to score a dime bag, so suit up.

Thankfully, my friend Ashlea received an email spam touting a solution for all of you slackers out there. That's right. DesignerChurchSuits.com is here to save the day.



WWJD? Well, I think he'd dress - as the ad says - classy and sassy.

I had to do it. I had to go to the website and check it out. And believe me, it's just as horribly scary as the ad makes it out to be. So many choices and options, I didn't know where to go first! I was like a kid caught in a candy store, except the candy was incredibly loud and pattern-filled and holier than my regular candy because the colors were so much brighter.

I mean, come on, when you think "church clothes," who doesn't think of the Purple Graduate's Delight?



And seriously, ladies, do you really expect to look sassy singing the latest Paul Baloche song if you're not dressed like the Mad Hatter?



I've heard it said some girls go to church looking to meet nice, single Christian guys. Well, that ain't gonna happen unless you show up Sunday morning dressed like Mary Poppins.



And I'm sorry, ladies, but you can't enter into the holy of holies without sporting what I refer to as the winter fur explosion. A bargain at $450. Shipping is free, so what are you waiting for? You can tithe next month.



And don't worry, fellas, we haven't forgotten you! Are you a fan of mustard? Then saints-be-praised you're gonna love this shirt. It screams "Look at my holiness" without having to say a word. It even comes with a sleek "O" on the tie (as in, "Oh crap, what are you wearing").



But this site doesn't just offer horrible, horrible clothes. It also provides customer testimonials! F Rawls from Georgia raves:

Praise Jesus
These suits are fabulous
When I go to church, I turn all the heads.

Praise Jesus, indeed, F Rawls. After years of trying to turn heads at church, I found the secret! Greet visitors? Help in the nursery? Screw you, can't you see I'm trying to turn heads here?

First Lady Robertson in Mississippi says,

Free shipping is a plus for me, because I order a new suit every week.

Wow, First Lady Robertson! You buy a new suit every week? Good thing the shipping is free, otherwise I'd almost think you were nuts! You definitely know a bargain when you see one.

And then First Lady Gloria Williams from Louisiana brags,

Im the first lady of my church, and I will be telling everybody to order from you.

I don't know what worries me the most about this one. Is it the fact I don't know who the first lady is at my church or the fact that this testimonial almost sounds like a threat?

So there you have it. DesignerChurchSuits.com

I don't want to ever see you in the Lord's house in jeans again.

Life of Reilly

The odd thing about being a video editor is how I get close to people who aren't even aware it's happening.

Whether it's an artist or someone in the community, they may come in to the station or we may be out at a concert, someone else interviews them while I film the goings-on. After that I take the footage back to the office and literally spend hours and hours editing the interview. After a bit I start to get the sense that I really know who these people are. I pore over their every word and gesture, looking for the best angle and what-have-you, dialing in on their anecdotes, and suddenly I've spent all of this quality time with them. It's like they're hanging out with ME and not the pesky interviewer! I feel like we're best buds and as far as they know, I'm Biff the anonymous camera guy (when, in reality, I'm the anonymous camera guy Ed).

It's a very one-way relationship I have going on with these people.

Recently I've been forging a false friendship with my new favorite band, Reilly. John Reilly and Dan Huie hung out with us backstage at the Purple Door festival and they were a lot of fun. Their interview was incredible in that I was able to turn it into five different videos: a legitimate meet-the-band type interview, and four funny vignettes that give a little insight into their quirky sense of humor.

They're all available on the station's YouTube site. As of this writing, I haven't posted the final two short films...I'm saving the other two to sprinkle in throughout the next couple of weeks. And, if you don't wanna go all the way over to YouTube, you can watch the videos here.

First, the short funny ones:

And then the regular interview interview:

And now you know why they're my new favorite band and my new friends by an extreme technicality.

Twilight: A Spoiler-Filled Review

I meant what I said in the subject line. This blog includes spoilers. Consider yourself warned.

I'll be honest: I never heard of the "Twilight" book series by Stephenie Meyer until I started seeing articles in Entertainment Weekly over the past few weeks touting it as the new rage and Harry Potter's replacement. I decided to pick up the first book, "Twilight", and see what all the fuss was about. Despite the fact that it sometimes read like a romance novel written from a 14-year-old girls' perspective (I've never read a romance novel, nor have I read a novel written by a 14-year-old girl, so this is complete conjecture), it was actually an extremely quick read and I flew through it. And then I read through the other 3 books as well and again, they're all really quick reads. Sarah, who readily admits she hasn't read a book since "The Mummy" in 6th grade, even got into it and found herself tearing through the books, too.

To save you the time of reading the 1700+ pages, let me re-cap:

Twilight (The Twilight Saga, Book 1)


Hi. I'm a girl. I'm angsty. Oh wait. There's this really hot guy in my new school. He's sooooooo dreamy. OOoooooooo.

(Repeat for 400 pages)

Oh wow! Turns out he's a vampire. But oh I still love him even though I know I shouldn't.

I shouldn't.

Oh, but I do.

Oh, but I shouldn't.

Oh, but I do.

(Repeat for 5 more chapters)

Oh no! It's almost the end of the book! I think I'll get chased by a bad vampire to give this book something to do and end with action and a thrilling climax!

New Moon (The Twilight Saga, Book 2)


Ohhhhhhh my vampire crush moved away.........Life is sooooooooo horrible.......how will I live........ohhhhhh... woe is me......woe is FREAKIN me.............

(Repeat for 8 chapters)

I think I'll start hanging out with this OTHER guy who turns out to be a werewolf! He's so different than that vampire. But ohhhhhhh I love the vampire.

But now I think I love the werewolf.

But my heart is with the vampire.

But I love the werewolf.

But not really because I love the vampire.

But the werewolf is my true love.

Except for the vampire who I miss soooooooo much.

(Repeat for 500 pages)

Oh no! Almost the end of the book! I better bring back the vampire so he and the werewolf can yell at each other for 11 more chapters and then get threatened by a bunch of scary vampires and have nothing actually come of it!!

Eclipse (The Twilight Saga, Book 3)


Oh nooooo. I'm such an angsty girl and now the vampire and the werewolf are both here and ohhhhh I love them both. So I'll tell the vampire I love him and hang out and kiss him and then hang out with the werewolf but we won't kiss we'll only hold hands and of course the vampire is so wussy he won't even care.

Kiss the vampire.

Hold hands with the werewolf.

Kiss the vampire.

Tell the werewolf I love him.

Kiss the vampire.

Try to figure out why the werewolf doesn't get that I don't want to be with him as I tell him I love him and hold his hand some more.

(Repeat for 500 pages)

Oh no!!! A whole bunch of bad vampires!! Let's fight them all!! The end.

Breaking Dawn (The Twilight Saga, Book 4)


Oh, being married to the vampire is soooooo amazing. I think we'll have crazy crazy vampire-on-human sex! It's ok, we're married now. Because if we weren't, having sex with the undead would just be weird. Ooooooo I sure do like all the love makin'! In fact, I think I'll make love to him for the first 200 pages!!

Oh no, I'm pregnant!! How did that happen? And with a vampire baby! It scratches my belly and breaks my ribs when it kicks. Ouch!!! Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch!!! Oh the pain!!! The pain!!!!!!!!!!! I know what will make it easier on you, the reader: I'll be in horrible horrible labor for the next 700 pages.

Oh I have a baby now. I love her! And the werewolf fell in love with her (For real. The werewolf is in love with an infant mutant baby)! What could possibly go wrong??

Oh no!! It's the end! All the bad vampires from around the world are here to kill me and my baby!!!!!!! Oh no!!!! What should we do!!!!!!!! I know! Instead of having an exciting, dramatic climax, where we all fight and put an end to their evil vampire ways I'll just be like, "You guys are wrong, my baby is cool." And they'll be like, "Oh yea, your baby IS pretty cool. My bad. See ya."

Yeah. That ending is MUCH better.

I just realized this blog makes it sound like I didn't like the books. Obviously, since I read them all, that's not true. I liked them all except the last one. But when you capsulize these tomes in a quick, sarcastic blog, they're gonna end up sounding pretty ridiculous. And I guess they kind of are.

***UPDATE: Apparently Australians don't appreciate my book reviews. Read more about that RIGHT HERE.

A Blog for Blog's Sake

Wow, it's been a while since my last blog and I really have no valid excuse. It's not like there haven't been things going on that I could ramble about:

• We thought we found bigfoot but that turned out to be a rubber suit in a freezer. They actually sent it to a lab to get tested. Did the zipper not give it away? The scientists said they figured out it wasn't real because the hairs on the suit didn't burn like actual hairs burn. So wait...this is how we test these things? "I think I found a rare species of dinosaur. But to be sure, let's send it to the lab so they can burn the evidence."


• The Olympics came and went. I had actually started a blog about the way the boxing is judged but it got me so upset, I had to stop. Basically, when it comes to the Olympics, boxing isn't boxing. It's judged more like fencing with gloves on. Except body blows don't count. And neither do most head shots. Unless the judges don't see it correctly. Basically hit your opponent, score a couple of points, and then spend the rest of your time running from him in the ring.


• Speaking of TV coverage that goes on for days and days, the Democratic convention is here and you know what that means: time for Ed to pop in some DVDs.


• Saw the trailer for the new inspirational film with Kirk Cameron, Fireproof. As a Christian and someone who's a bit of a movie guy, I'm sort of a little offended. Is that OK? I just don't think cheesy Hallmark Channel movie rejects should get a pass solely because it's got the tag "Christian" on it. Maybe I'm a little off, but shouldn't we also try to make art that's actually quality stuff?

On the non-sarcastic side of things, my buddy Ed (yep...Ed and Ed hanging out again) was in town for a few days and we made some pretty ridiculous videos and that was a good time. (And yes, I realize this may seem to contradict my "Christians should make art" rant in the previous paragraph, but I'm not making art. I'm just trying to make my friends laugh.) If you're a buddy of mine check them out on my Facebook, as I won't be uploading them to YouTube.

Other than that, life has been pretty good and I have no legitimate complaints. Spending my time hanging out with my hot wife making crazy monkey love. And you're welcome for that image.

Pink Slipped Away

Conclusion

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a blog about trying to get a copy of my pink slip from when I was fired at my job at a record label. The reason for trying to get a copy was because of what was written under "Reason for Termination": No radio experience. (For those of you who didn't bother to read the other blog, I had just finished a 3-year stint in radio before coming on board.)

My pal Brad put me in touch with Sara at Gotee Records to see about getting a copy of my paperwork and she was really cool about it. Alas, I heard back from her today and although they did indeed find my file, my pink slip is nowhere to be found inside.

I have to admit, I'm a little depressed about it. Why? I'll explain by giving you some true stories:

• Walt Disney was once fired by a newspaper editor because "he lacked imagination and had no good ideas."


• After Harrison Ford's first performance in movies, the studio vice-president called him into his office and said, "You ain't got it kid , you ain't got it ... now get out of here."


• Charles Schultz had every one of the comics he submitted to his high school newspaper rejected .


• A memo written in 1933 by an MGM testing director after Fred Astaire's first screen test said, "Can't act. Can't sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little." Astaire actually had the memo framed and placed over his fireplace.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I'm better than or even nearly as good as any of the people I mentioned above but man, I really wanted my own little piece of irony to hang on the wall.

Production Update: "The Blanket"

Yes, fans, the wait is almost over. Another short film by Yours Truly will be on its way soon.

For those of you who may not know, Sarah and I spent an evening with our friends John and Lisa and their son Alex. Part of that time was spent eating an incredible meal, part of it was spent playing badminton. But the majority of our time was spent filming. We finished up a project for work that is a parody of one of our favorite films (we also filmed a trailer for this film but, alas, it is only available to my Facebook friends. But before you friend-request me, take note of my previous post).

This is the final product of the work project. How jealous are you that I get paid to have this much fun?

The bulk of our time, though, was spent working on a personal project of mine entitled The Blanket. I wrote the script last year and wrote it specifically with John, Lisa, and Alex in mind. It's not my first time working with kids (while I was in Indiana my brother and I put together an asinine mini-series called "Terocus" and in one episode his daughter played one of the bad guys who met a most untimely demise).

But this was my first time working with a kid as my star (okay, yeah, Alex starred in our "Cha Cha Slide" parody, but he didn't have to learn any lines in that one) and it's been a fun journey. Alex is 10 years old and I've been talking to him about this for the last six months. It got to the point, though, where I think he became a little sick of hearing about it and whenever I would mention The Blanket to him, he would roll his eyes and tell me he quit the project.

About a month or so ago he came in to work and I filmed a few quick shots of him in front of the green screen and last week we got all of his filming wrapped. I think he's glad to be done with it and now he's eager to find out when it will be finished.

I took what footage I have and edited it down into a very rough cut of the short film and so far I'm happy with how it looks (and is going to look). Alex and his family did a great job for me and they look great on the screen.

I only have two more quick scenes to shoot: I need to shoot an exterior shot of the house and also nab a quick shot of Sarah and me in front of the green screen. Next week I'll be recording a good buddy of mine for a voiceover and then it'll just be down to the final editing -- my favorite part.

Hopefully I'll be blogging again in a couple of weeks to let you know the short film is finished and ready to view. In the meantime, here are a couple of shots Sarah took while we were filming. Until next time...I'll be in the editing room!

[gallery]

Wait...Do I Know You?

Sarah and I have a lot in common but there's one topic on which we just don't see eye-to-eye and, so far, neither of us have budged.

I'm talking, of course, about Facebook friend requests.

Call me crazy, but I actually know all of my Facebook friends. And if someone sends me a request asking me to be their friend and I don't know who they are, I happily press "ignore." I'm not trying to up my friend count just for the sake of upping my friend count, and if someone isn't going to take the time to drop me a line and kind of introduce themselves, well...they can find me on MySpace.

Sarah has a different outlook. As far as she is concerned, if someone asks to be her friend, she's more than happy to accept. Everyone is welcome, and it's all good. I blame it on her good heart. Me...not so much.

When she asks why I'm so quick to ignore a request from a total stranger, I give her what (to me) is an obvious answer: "They're not my friend. I don't know who they are."

Why does someone who doesn't know me want to be my Facebook friend? Do they really care how many stars I give the last movie I saw or what I did on my summer vacation? I just find it odd. If they want to know what's on my mind, they can visit me here at my blog and find out what I am currently ranting about. And if they really do care (and if they do, I still find it odd. Call me paranoid), then why wouldn't they drop me a line saying hello?

If some stranger came up to me on the street and said, "LET'S BE FRIENDS" I would be a little more than taken back. I'm like a jittery wild monkey. You can't just run up to me and throw your arm around me or I'll run screeching into the jungle brush. Bribe me with bananas: Say hi to me. Make small talk. Who do you know that I know? Tell me about your family. What have we got in common? (And I don't really consider the fact that we both have Facebook accounts something in common.)

It's not that I'm against meeting new people. I just wanna know who the freak they are first.

The Top 10 Chase Scenes of All Time

Let's face it, top 10 lists are fun. Especially when I get to decide what does and doesn't make the list.

This time around: The best chase scenes ever captured on film. And before we get started, I know Bullitt
and The French Connection
always get mentioned when people talk about chase scenes. Well guess what? I've never seen either one and when I watched the chase scenes on YouTube I wasn't impressed. True, I didn't see them in the context of the film and they were innovative at the time but I'm not grading on innovation. I'm grading on what I think was cool. And at the end of the day, that's all that really matters. I mean for real.

ED'S TOP 10 CHASE SCENES OF ALL TIME

10. Running Scared (1986)
I was 16 when I saw this Billy Crystal/Gregory Hines buddy-cop flick (yes, you heard me right. Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines played Chicago cops). As a whole the film itself is pretty mediocre, but when Billy and Gregory's high-speed chase leads them onto the rails of the Chicago El system - the cars racing along the tracks - it was something else. It was that scene that first made me say to myself One day I'm going to make a compilation of the best chase scenes, and this one is going to be on it.

9. Vantage Point (2008)
Forget the fact that I thought this movie was pretty freakin' cool. Any movie that has me shouting "Get 'em, Dennis Quaid!! Go, Dennis Quaid!! Drive faster, Denis Quaid!!!" at the top of my lungs...yea it had a pretty cool chase scene.

8. Children of Men (2006)
How do you know a chase scene is a good one? When they are moving at like 2 miles per hour and it's STILL exciting. Clive Owen sabotages the bad guys' cars before he sneaks away from their hideout in a countryside cottage. But, of course, the car he's in doesn't always start when it's supposed to, so he has to get out and push while Julianne Moore is in the car trying to pop the clutch and get it going. The baddies are soon after them, pushing their cars and in the same situation. OK, I admit it sounds pretty ridiculous in this context but trust me, it was pretty intense.

7. The Matrix Reloaded (2003)
The only redeeming quality about either of the sequels to the Matrix series was the freeway chase scene. I don't know how much of it was CGI, how much was shot on location, or how much was shot on a soundstage - I suspect it was a combination of all three - but this sequence was so manic and crazy it made me forget for a few minutes that I was watching a really crappy movie.

6. Casino Royale\ (2006)
James Bond movies are supposed to have really cool chase scenes, but it wasn't until the latest incarnation that I realized just how cool they could be. It opens with Daniel Craig chasing some dude who jumps around like a human Frogger through a construction site. Freakin' awesome.

5. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984)
Most people choose Raiders of the Lost Ark when they choose their favorite Indy chase scene, and I can't really argue with them. But for me, it's hard to beat the mine car chase. True, when you watch it now it's almost painfully obvious that most of the sequence is actually shot in miniature, but let's be honest. When you saw the trailer for Journey to the Center of the Earth with Brendan Fraser and you saw the clip of the mine car sequence, you thought of Indy II. And odds are you think of our favorite fedora-wearing hero every time you see a mine car in a movie traveling quickly. That, my friends, is what you call influence.

4. The Bourne Trilogy (2002, 2004, 2007)
Yes, I cheated a little on this one, but since it's my list, I can make the rules. And break them. But I couldn't single out one chase scene in the series of films that are pretty much one long chase scene (not unlike the surprisingly-forgotton Run with Patrick Dempsey....and don't think that one didn't almost make the list). So instead of trying to single out one of them, I'm just lumping the whole series together into one big chase scene chunk. MMMM. Tasty, huh?

3. The Italian Job (2003)
I'm not too proud to admit that this is the film that made me want to buy a Mini Cooper. I haven't wanted a car this badly since I was a kid and was wayyyy too into the Herbie films (a pox upon thee, Lindsay Lohan! I miss you, Dean Jones). Watching these little cars zip around, eluding the bad guys, and custom-built to carry hijacked loot...wow...nothing could make me not want one of these cars. And then my boss got one and beat me to the punch. I guess I could still buy a VW bug and paint a '53' on the side.

2. Jurassic Park (1993)
Are you kidding me? I don't know what freaked me out more, the T-Rex thumping after the jeep or the two raptors chasing our heroes through the grounds. Freak. Me. Out. I'm still against dinosaur DNA testing to this day.

1. Cloverfield (2008)
There's a scene where the stars of the film find themselves in the dark maze of New York subway tunnels with no light. And when they DO manage to get some light what they see following them in the dark...well...sometimes it's better to not see what it is that's stalking you. The chase is on and it's a hell of a chase. By the time the sequence was over, I could feel my heart trying to push through my ribcage. I turned to Sarah sitting beside me and could only utter these three words: "That was fun."

So there ya go. My favorite chase scenes. What about you? What movies got your heart racing and your feet tapping overtime? Leave your favorites in a comment below.

The Top 10 Animated Films Ever Made

When you start naming "Top 10" anythings, you're bound to ruffle some feathers. Which I think is cool. I love this kind of conversation, so feel free to leave comments. Believe me, it was hard for me to not just list every Pixar film that's come down the line because those guys can do no wrong (except Cars...I'm just not redneck enough to get into a movie about Nascar).

And this is probably one of the only "Top Animated Films" lists that won't include Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs or Bambi. I'm sorry. Just because something is old, or "the first", it doesn't make it good. Or interesting. In my less-than-humble opinion, Snow White is one of the most overrated, boring films to come down the pike. But Ed, you might say, It was a technological breakthrough in animation. It was the first of its kind. Yea, well, just because something is different doesn't mean its good. Just ask Paris Hilton's parents.

So here we go. The best in animation, according to me....

10. Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas
 There is a moment in this film that always blows me away. Jack Skellington has gone off to become the new and improved Santa Claus and his #1 fan Sally is home lamenting because she knows something's not right. While Sally is singing her ballad she steps through a gate and swings her head to the side. That moment right there is so smooth...so perfect...it's almost hard for me not to believe it's not a person in a big Sally costume. And there's also the Oogie Boogie song.

9. Flushed Away
 I'll admit it. I haven't liked anything else this guy has done. And yes, that includes the Wallace and Gromit series. So my expectations for this were pretty low. Not only did this movie blow me out of the water, it also made Kate Winslet more attractive. The fun action peppered with jabs at America (and the UK) cracked me up. This movie probably would have ranked higher on my list if the characters didn't look so much like those Wallace and Gromit idiots.

8. The Prince of Egypt
 Like The Nightmare Before Christmas, there's one scene in this film that sticks in my head, but with a much larger emotional attachment. It comes at the climax of the film when Moses parts the Red Sea. That whole scene...the animation as the water rushes into the sky, the swelling music...and then the eerie silence...it gives me chills just writing about it and gets my heart beating like Ed Grimley in the presence of Pat Sajak.

7. The Emperor's New Groove
 How is this cartoon not more popular than it is? Hey, I'm not the biggest David Spade fan either, but when he's on, he's on. And in this film, he's on. Emporer's plays like a Disney film done by the kids of the filmmakers: sick and tired of the schmaltz and cheese, they're gonna show us that cartoons can be sarcastic, too. A cartoon that knows it's a cartoon and says What the heck. Let's just have fun with this one.

6. The Simpsons Movie
 Admit it. You were just as shocked into hysterical laughter as I was to see Bart's junk.

5. Shrek
 I can still remember thinking to myself Cartoons aren't supposed to be this irreverently funny while I was in the theater holding my side trying to stop laughing so I could hear the next joke. Like The Emporer's New Groove, Shrek takes the world of children's stories and pokes it in the eye as it dumps ice cubes down its shirt.

4. The Incredibles
 Are you kidding me? Superheroes more believable than their Marvel or DC cousins, an amazingly animated landscape, harrowing action (it's hard to beat that jungle chase scene), all delicately painted around a couple struggling to keep their marriage together...wow. Well done, Pixar.

3. Aladdin
 Just the fact that the animators were able to keep up with Robin Williams' mile-a-minute freestyle is a feat in itself. Disney loves putting our heroes in a spot where you think There's no way they can get out of this. But when I watched this, I remember saying OK really, there's no way he's getting out of this one. One of these good guys is gonna die.

2. Finding Nemo
 Man, when things come together at Pixar, they really come together, don't they? Everything from the casting down to the most intricate detail in a random air bubble was spot on. This is one of the few films you could pop into your player, press pause at any spot and the image frozen on your screen will be the very essence of art. You'd just look at it and say Wow. That's beautiful. And hey, any film that is clever enough to incorporate the old Monty Python "Bruce" sketch gets extra credit.

1. Who Framed Roger Rabbit
 Only Steven Spielberg would be able to get Warner Brothers and Disney to shake hands and agree to let their greatest cartoon characters appear side by side in the name of good moviemaking. Considering this was done before the computer animation technology we have today, it's amazing how they got this film to work.
Yes, those are actual guns and beer bottles floating around in the air, not CG recreations, and the way they orchestrated the chaos in the Ink & Paint Club is beyond me. Roger Rabbit is a movie that loves movies and is a love letter to an era that may be gone but won't soon be forgotten.

Yay for cartoons.

Pink Slip Proof

I'm having trouble contacting an old employer.

I used to work at Gotee Records, a Christian record label in Nashville. Before making the move there I worked at WJTL, a radio station in Lancaster PA for 3 years (I'm actually back at JTL again, so that worked out).

Not long after I got to Nashville, people started being let go from Gotee under really weird circumstances. Two years later, it was my turn. The best part is, it was one of those weird situations where the guy doing the firing couldn't come up with a valid reason to let me go, so he had to make something up. On my pink slip under "Reason for termination" the excuse he put down was "No experience in radio."**

I thought this was hilarious but have since lost my copy of the pink slip. I tried to get in touch with the HR department at the label to get a new copy sent to me. I actually want to frame it and put it in my office (I'm sorry, but when something is funny, it's funny). I called the label today but got an automated message saying "Please hold for assistance" over and over again and was never connected to a real person. So, if anyone reading this has a hook-up...hook me up.

It's all in the name of comedy.

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** Interesting footnote: The promotions manager who fired me? He'd worked there only a couple of months longer than me and his previous experience was working at a coffee shop. For realz, yo.

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UPDATE

A few minutes after posting this, my buddy and co-former Gotee employee Brad gave me the heads up on the person who could possibly get me what I was looking for. He gave me her email address and I sent her a friendly and polite email requesting a copy of my pink slip.

UPDATE #2

Approximately 30 minutes later I received an email in response to my request. She told me she'd see if she could get it from Joey (co-owner and co-founder of the label) and she would keep me posted. So far this is going much smoother than I anticipated.

Find out the final outcome by reading this post.

Hi, Karma. I'm Ed

In a previous post I bragged about my ability to avoid driving a PT Cruiser.

I guess I shouldn't have said it out loud.

Our car is in the shop to get fixed after getting rear-ended by a fellow Creation Festival attendee. The other guy's insurance is covering everything, including a rental car, and yesterday when the guy at Enterprise told me we would be driving a PT Cruiser I literally laughed in his face.

I asked if there was anything smaller but there wasn't.

And now here I am, stuck with a PT Cruiser. A vanilla one, no less. As we were driving home in the PT Crapper, Sarah joked that it would be funny if we ended up loving the car. Turns out there's no danger of that. On my way to work yesterday I passed someone else in a PT (Pretty Turd-y) Cruiser and instead of thinking, "There's a tool" I thought "There's another tool."

This morning on the way to work I honked the horn to see what it sounds like and it continued to honk until I honked the horn again. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!! A guy working in his yard looked up at me and I thanked the PT Cruiser for making me look even more like a dick.*

Originally the body shop told me it would take about 15 days to fix our car. When we dropped it off on Monday, the lady said it would take about 3 days. So now I'm torn. Part of me wants it to take 15 days to make sure the job is done right and not rushed. But the other part of me wants it to take 3 days so I can escape the stigma of being the driver of a PT Cruiser.

I guess it could be worse. They could have given me a Hummer to drive around.

My name is Ed and I'm driving a PT Cruiser.

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*I don't usually talk like a coked-up frat guy, but it's one of the side effects of driving a PT Cruiser.

Feelin' a Bit R-Andy

A friend of mine just sent me this article:

Comedian Andy Dick arrested on drug, sexual battery charges in Murrieta

A 17-year-old girl tells police that Andy Dick pulled down her tank top, exposing her breasts. Police say he was 'extremely intoxicated' and had marijuana and Xanax medication in his pockets.

It goes on from there, but those are the basics. And...as always...I have some questions/comments:

1. What the FREAK is up with that mugshot? He looks like a Muppet auditioning for a role in A Clockwork Orange. Oh well. At least he looks happy.

2. So he was carrying pot and Xanax in his pockets. Am I the only one shocked at this? Not shocked that they found drugs on him, but that they didn't find coke, heroin, LSD, pop rocks, rabbit tranquilizers, recycled amphetamines, extra-strength Tylenol, fish oil omega-3, and/or Red Bull.

3. How did the girl even let this happen? Andy Dick is the size of a garden gnome.

4. Andy Dick being caught exposing a girl makes about as much sense to me as Richard Simmons having Jessica Simpson as his desktop wallpaper.

5. Never mind. I just figured out what was up with that photograph. I think someone at the LA Times was asleep at the wheel and accidentally put up their stock photo of Kathy Griffin. Ha ha ha ha ha ha, just kidding. Kathy Griffin is wayyyy more masculine.

Seriously Jerry

It's not like me to write a "serious" post. I think maybe .06% of my blogs have been straight-forward and not intentionally goofy. But I guess sometimes you just have to "write what you know" (I didn't coin that phrase, but you can tell people I did if you'd like).

JT is a buddy of mine from the National Comedy Theatre. I've blogged about him a few times in the past and I still get excited and all "Way to Go, Dude" when I think of his appearance on 30 Rock. He's one of the guys you meet in life that makes you glad you meet new people in life. Simply put, he's one of the good guys.

JT is still up in New York and is currently involved in trying to get a production up and running. I know, I know, tell me someone in New York who isn't. But when someone you look up to and admire is passionate about something, you can't help but have that passion rub off on you a bit.

"Love Jerry" is a musical that JT and his friends have been working on for some time now (since college, if my memory serves). For most people, Broadway musicals bring to mind visions of lonely goatherds and cats played by over-the-hill angry thespians. But this musical is a bit different. It brings to light the subject of child abuse. In fact, it's already been recognized by Stop It Now! National and Darkness to Light, two organizations raising awareness to stop child abuse.

Right now JT and his creative partners are in the middle of trying to raise funds to get "Love Jerry" off the ground. The official "Love Jerry" website can probably put it into words better than I can so stop by and look around. I think what they're up to over there is pretty cool. Of course, if you're more of a Facebook person, they have that available, too.

If you can do something, cool. If you know someone who might want to help, pass their website along. I figure it's the least we can do.

Pleasing the Crowd

This weekend Sarah and I went to a Phillies game with some friends from church. It was a great day to see a game. The weather was perfect and we had seats in the upper right field section. Although not everyone in the group was happy with fact we had seats directly in the sun, the Mexican in me couldn't have been happier.

In between innings, the masses were entertained by the jumbo screen that offered diversions such as Guess Today's Attendance (55,006) and sports bloopers from years past. It also featured various "crowd cams" such as the Flex for the Camera cam and the Bad Dancer cam and they would show different people in the crowd.

Soon they rolled out the Kiss Me cam, and they showed couples sitting in the stadium and the crowd would cheer when they kissed. Old people got the best response and every time the old guy would kiss the old lady seated with him and she would slap his knee playfully, the audience would go nuts.

"If they put the camera on us, we should look angry," Sarah said next to me.

"Yea," I agreed, "We should flip them off."

"Or just totally make out," she went on.

"We should stick out our tongues and touch them," I said, and we laughed. And then I felt it in my bones. I knew it was coming. I turned to Sarah and said, "If they put us on the big screen, I'm totally going to jump you."

All Sarah said in response was, "Okay."

And not three seconds later, there we were, up on the jumbo screen. I got out of my seat and attacked Sarah. She took off her hat and flailed her hands wildly in the air.

The crowd went NUTS. All I could hear were screams and hoots and laughter. I think I heard the laughter most of all. And as I was there with my face buried in Sarah's hair, my butt pointing at the camera, all I could think was, "I'm making 55,000 people laugh!! I'm never going to be able to top this!!"

So yea, it was a pretty good day.

I Didn't Not Write a New Blog

So MTV is airing an episode of Made right now. If you haven't seen it, it's a show where some loser kid decides they want to do something they've never done before and then they whine and yell at their trainer for the next 22 minutes because they can't do it and they don't want to learn. Then, at the 25 minute mark they decide that oh yes, they can do this, and they perform at a school talent show where they inevitably impress their friends and cry a lot.

This particular episode features a girl who wants to learn to dance hip hop style. After 20 minutes of screaming the same lines screamed in every other episode in the history of this show (I can't do it! This is too hard! I'm dumb! They'll laugh at me!), this aspiring train wreck finally got her confidence and determination and strongly made a great statement. She didn't say it to be humorous or ironic. She was trying to be strong and show off her new self.

"I'm a dancer now. I don't get to call myself not one anymore."

You don't not go, girl.

An Oddly-Timed Pat on the Back

I'm pretty sure this is the first blog I really considered not writing because I didn't want to embarrass anyone. Considering I've written about two dorks who sold a corn flake on eBay, a weird guy from high school I bumped into, and a 60-year-old taking a Sex Ed class, you might think my censoring filter would be long gone. But there's still some hope for me.

Some.

In the end, though, I decided to write this blog simply because the whole situation was too awkward to not write about it.

As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, Sarah and I have recently become members of the church we'd been attending. It's a great church and the people there have been way, way cool. From the first time we went there, people were coming up to us, introducing themselves, and making us feel at home. I've been in a few churches before as a guest and unfortunately, this is a pretty rare occurrence. But the people here have been nothing short of really amazing. Needless to say it wasn't a hard decision when considering becoming a member. (Of course, if you know me, then you know I don't have to mention the fact that the teaching there is great and the church is really trying to focus on doing what a church should be doing. I wouldn't be considering membership otherwise.)

The Sunday we became members, we had to speak in front of the congregation to introduce ourselves and give a bit of our background. I of course took this as another opportunity to make jokes in front of a group of people. Sarah was very nervous about having to speak in front of everyone but she was very cute and charming and her regular ol' irresistible self.

Afterwards people came up to us giving us hugs and welcoming us to the church. And the really weird thing? I could sense they were very genuine about it. It almost threw me off. What's that say about where we are as a people when it's hard to believe people being so nice?

It really was a great day and Sarah and I were made to feel so welcomed and appreciated. The only weird part of the day (if you know me, there's always a weird moment) was in the bathroom after the service. Guys, mostly older dudes, were telling me how they enjoyed what Sarah and I had to say and telling me how glad they were to have new members and how happy they were for us and patting me on the back.

Patting me on the back while I was using the urinal.

If you've never received a (literal) pat on the back while receiving a compliment while trying to aim, well then, you've never been so confused about what to focus on.

Mystery Man (with Phone)

So every day around noon-ish, there's this guy who wanders around in the courtyard outside my office window and talks on his cell phone. He's been doing it for some time. He took a few months off during the winter but about a week ago he came back and returns every day like clockwork to talk to Someone.

Who is he? Where does he work? Who is he talking to? Is he talking to the same person every day? These questions have been plaguing me for the last year or so and I decided to do something about it: I set up a video camera and filmed him.

And now I turn to you for the answers. So please, take a look at the footage and then leave your comments with your theories. I suppose one of these days I could just ask him, but this is a lot more fun.

New Post Soon

Ok yea, it's been a while since I've blogged. Sorry about that.

True, I could catch you up on what's been happening and tell you about the car accident/fender bender Sarah and I were in this past weekend but instead I'm going to tease you about my next blog. It'll not only feature a mysterious man on a cell phone but will also include video footage of the guy.

So rest assured I haven't forgotten you, Faithful Blog Reader. Uncle Eddie'll hook you up.

Clarification

Sarah and I are about to become members at the church we've been attending and last week the Pastor gave us one of those "spiritual gifts" tests so he could find out a little more about us. You answer 100 or so questions and after tallying up the answers you find out if you're more of an encourager or a teacher or something like that and then give them back to him so he can check out how we scored in each area.

After taking her test and tallying her answers, Sarah was a little disappointed with her score in the area of giving. "What?!" she exclaimed, "I'm a giver! Don't you think I'm a giver? I wasn't going to tell you this but yesterday I gave a homeless man a Balance bar."

"You gave him a Balance bar?"

"Yea," she said, "It was the same story but a different person. 'I just got out of jail.' So I said 'Here, have a Balance bar.'"

I laughed. "What are you, in a commercial for Balance bars?"

And then in an apparent effort to let the Pastor know she is indeed a giver, on her test Sarah circled her "Giving" score and wrote in "I gave a poor man a Balance bar yesterday."

Convention-al Thinking

I'm in Atlantic City for a couple of days and judging by the people wandering the hallways of Harrah's Casino/Hotel, the New Jersey Hair Gel convention must be in full swing. Other groups of people that appear to be gathering in large numbers are:

• The American Collection of Women Over 65 with Dyed Hair Who Wear Sunglasses Indoors


• The local chapter of WWBWST: Women Who Wear Blouses With Sparkly Trim


• The International Association of Asians in Shiny Yellow Suits


• The Elderly Women with Loud Smoky Laughs conglomerate


• The Northeastern Fat Men with Goatees, Shell Necklaces, and Lance Armstrong Bracelet Conference

Although something tells me these people gather here every weekend. Just a hunch.

25 THINGS I LEARNED IN CALIFORNIA - 2008 EDITION

1. If you order a large soda from Del Taco, you will find yourself partaking of a drink 3/4 the size of your own head.


2. A group of Asian kids, dressed in black leather complete with chains and spiky Mohawks hanging out at Del Taco at midnight have a somewhat forboding sense about them. Surely they have been out and about all night causing trouble and being just as bad as their menacing exterior projects.


3. Seeing those same Asian kids dressed in black leather and chains in the Del Taco parking lot at 9:30 in the morning completely negates their rebellious punk look and makes them seem desperate, sad, harmless, and even a bit pathetic.


4. I am a man of my word. Having once vowed to never drive one, I learned at the car rental company that our car would be a PT Cruiser. We were offered a smaller car that the agent claimed was actually much nicer. I agreed to take the smaller car. I do a good enough job as it is looking like a tool in my every day life. I don’t need help from the PT Cruiser.


5. If you want to get your money’s worth in the stand-up comedy world, wait until you’re in New York City to go to a comedy club. The prices of a weekday show are about 3 times more expensive in LA and you only get to see about 1/3 of the number of comics.


6. Every day it’s sunny and 77 degrees. The rest of the world are schmucks.


7. The speed limit on the highway is 65 M.P.H. The flow of traffic averages 77 M.P.H. The highway drivers are actually much better than I recall. I still hate motorcyclists (if you’re stopped at a red light, why is it OK for them to cut in line and jump in front of everyone else just because they can squeeze between cars? That’s not fair. I hate, hate, HATE them).


8. On a coast-to-coast flight if you’re taking Southwest you don’t get an in-flight movie and the only food they offer you is peanuts and Wheat Thins. Where’s my barely-recognizable Salisbury steak?


9. People who don’t have any idea what they’re talking about are very entertaining. At the wax museum a man wrongly identified Jack Black from the recent King Kong remake as Vince Vaughn from Wedding Crashers. He did, however, get Tom Hanks from Castaway correct. Even though he told his kids the volleyball was named “Spalding” (instead of the actual name “Wilson”).


10. If you go to the Rocky Cola Cafe in Hermosa Beach at 12:30 on a Sunday afternoon you actually have a good chance of getting a parking space.


11. The Tonight Show host Jay Leno sells out shows at the Comedy & Magic Club in Hermosa Beach at $30.00 a seat. Ironically, tickets to see The Tonight Show are free.


12. In-N-Out burgers are just as good as I remember.


13. The attendants at the Dollar rental car place near the San Diego airport are energetically honest. When asked how he was doing, the young worker replied with a huge smile, “Great! I get to stand out here and look at hot girls all day.” I wished him luck.


14. Elderly women who order a Bloody Mary on a plane that leaves at 9:30 am are making a statement about themselves that may be unintentional.


15. If you wear a dress shirt, tie, black pants, and dress shoes to a California wedding, you will feel vastly overdressed. Especially if the groomsmen wear flip flops.


16. The carpool lane is the coolest thing ever (I actually learned this in 1992 but had forgotten I knew it).


17. Sarah is a natural boogie boarder.


18. If you buy a new pair of swim trunks, don’t assume that the string tie feature is part of the apparel. Otherwise when a big ocean wave hits you from behind, you will find yourself struggling to keep them on.


19. Sometimes the friendliest person you’ll meet is the maintenance guy at a time-share property.


20. Wireless internet is not free at the airport.


21. If you forgot to pack beach towels, check under the bathroom sink of your time share. Sometimes they provide them for you so you don’t have to go out and spend $40 to buy your own and then get angry when you find this out after-the-fact.


22. It costs more for a tank of gas than it does to get your tires rotated, oil changed, and get an emissions test.


23. Even on-duty policemen like to sneak away to the cliffs of Rancho Palos Verdes and take in the view every once in a while.


24. Sharks still scare me. Even large paintings of them.


25. As amazing as it is to be back in California, I wouldn’t want to be there without Sarah.

Prooving One's Idiocy

I don't like to just make a fool of myself. I prefer to do it over and over again, just to make sure people know I'm an idiot.

Sarah and I are currently in San Diego for a wedding. We are planning on driving up to LA County on Sunday so I can show her some of my old haunts when I lived out here. Some friends of mine, Andrea & Drew, live in San Pedro and I didn't think to call them to let them know I'd be in the area until we were in the airport in Baltimore.

Idiot! How could I forget them?!

I hopped online at the airport and shot them an email and sent them a text. We're on our way out there! Prepare for fun and "In & Out" burgers!!

After landing in San Diego, getting our rental car, and finding the nearest In & Out burger place, I gave them a call. "Hey guys!!! We're here and maybe can see you in a couple of days!! I'm an idiot for not giving you the heads up earlier!"

And then, I felt like an idiot again.

Oh yeah. I forgot. They moved back to Nashville.

Insert awkward conversation here. "Oh yea....um...that's right, heh heh....well....if we're ever in Nashville again soon....let's hook up!"

I'll beat you to the punch: I'm an idiot.

Happy 4th Birthday

Wow. This blog is four years old this month. On one hand it almost seems like "forever ago" when I started this because I was in such a different place. Who was that guy in Nashville spending all of his time alone, trying desperately to save a relationship without help from anyone else lest people find out he was in a failing marriage?

Yeah, that guy was me.

I started this blog in a pretty dark time in my life although I think I did a pretty good job at hiding it. But I've come to appreciate dark times, and I'm not just saying that because things pretty much rock right now. There's no way I would appreciate what I have and those around me as much as I do had everything in life been one smooth road.

Sometimes we have to lose everything we have to find out what's really important. It's a steep price at the time, but it's a bargain in the long run.

Along the way God put a couple of guys in my life who set me straight. Guys that would tell me what I needed to hear even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear. Sometimes we have a tendency to baby our friends and go easy on them; Sometimes what we need is someone to kick our butt and tell us to get on the freakin' ball. So thanks, Davy. Thanks, Rick. Thanks for being willing to let God use you to set a schmuck like me straight.

I never would have thought, four years ago, I'd be where I am today and this happy about it. It's not because of anything I did. I have to let God take the credit. He does indeed rock. Even in the hard times.

Hm. I intended this blog to be a "Hey wow, I've been writing somewhat consistently for four years now" blog and it turned out to be a reflection on how good God is. Funny how that happens.

Here's to another four (and more).

Live Taped Comedy

Well, if you missed my cool stand-up routine at the Sertoma Chicken BBQ this past weekend, no worries. Video was rolling and I'll be putting up some clips on YouTube, maybe like 1 clip a week. Instead of harassing my pals here every time I put one up, you may just wanna subscribe to my videos. My YouTube page is right here.

I put the first clip up earlier today. You can watch it by clicking here. And yes, that's right. I started off my set with an ad lib (always a sign of the greatness that is to follow).

Try not to let the fact that no one is in the audience distract you. Instead focus on the awesome comedy happening before your eyes.

:)

Towel-Off

I think the people who make beach towels should spend some time with the people who make bath towels. There really shouldn't be any difference between the two, should there? They're both towels. Their primary function is to dry people off, yet bath towels are soft and fluffy and beach towels are thin and rough. Almost like the Snuggles bear said "Yay!! I'll make the bath towels!! Yeeee!" And Gritty, the sandpaper spokesman said, "Beach towels? I got this."

Another difference is bath towels are often one solid color and beach towels are an eyesore of bright colors, usually advertising your likes. A bath towel tells people, "This shade of blue compliments the border in the bathroom" and a beach towel tells people, "I like The Six Million Dollar Man!!!"

The Body of Christ

It's said in the Bible that the church is the body of Christ and each person plays a different role. Some are the hands, some are the feet, some are even the mouth.

And yes, some are the appendix: Nobody really knows what they're for or what they do and once in a while for no reason they just blow up.

Boo!!! That's Not Me!! Boo!!

We've all seen it where some poor comic is onstage, says where they're from, and they get booed for it. They get booed for being from somewhere else!

"I'm from Chicago."
"Booooooooooo."

"I'm from New York."
"Booooooooooo."

Who's booing cities? "Boo!!! That's not MY hometown! Boooooo! I don't agree with that city at all!"

Do these people do this with everything they encounter in life that's different? And why is it OK to boo someone from a different city if they're on stage but not if we meet them at a party? Why is one acceptable and the other isn't?

It's not like you meet someone at a dinner party and they say "Hi, my name's Bob."

No one is responding with, "Bob? BOOOOOOOOOOO!! That's not MY name. Boooo, Bob! Boooooooooo!"

But I think it would be fun.

Prove It

It's weird when people ask what I do and I tell them I do comedy. I think it's the only profession you can have that actually requires proof from other people.

"You're a comedian? Say something funny."

I highly doubt they do this with everyone they meet.

"So, you're a doctor, huh? Take out my appendix."

No fair.

Who Doesn't Love a Game Where You Get to Punch Your Friends?

I hate riding in a car with someone and not realizing they have started playing "perdiddle" without me (you know...the game where you see a car with one headlight out and as a reward you get to beat on your buddy). In fact, I usually don't even know the game is afoot until they punch me in the arm. I hate those punching games. I always forget we're playing. I guess I'm bad at that game because I'm not some psycho looking for an excuse to punch my date. Yes, that's right. I have been on dates in the past -- first dates, mind you -- and found myself on the losing end of this game. Sure, go ahead, punch the guy about to buy you dinner. That'll ensure I call you for date #2.

It's just not a good game to play with me because when I get surprised I tend to shout nonsense like "Caterpillars wearing sweaters!"Once on a first date the girl and I were in the car and we approached one of the aforementioned cars with one headlight out. And that was probably the last time she ever started a game of "perdiddle" unannounced. Because apparently I don't know "how to play nicely."

Driving down the road and she just punches me full on. She yelled, "Perdiddle!" and slugged me and at the same time I yelled, "You stupid fat idiot!"

Obviously, I forgot girls don't like to be called "fat."

Today's Forecast: Bitter

I can't believe some of the jobs that are out there actually require you to go to college to perform them. Like Weather Man School. How hard can that be?

Can you look at a computer screen and point at the arrows?
If we show you numbers on a screen like "85" and "74" can you read them and say them out loud?
Can you get a suit?

If you answered "yes" to these questions the congratulations, you're valedictorian.

And I know the final exam had to have been rough.

Here's a cartoon picture of a cloud. Is it going to be

A) Cloudy
B) Sunny
C) Windy
D) Apple Jacks

Come on. I could totally do that! And these weather guys have to realize this. Not every job is one that I could walk into tonight without any training and do it just as well.

Bus driver? No way I could do that. I couldn't steer that big moose of a bus around a corner without taking out a lamppost and a small child.

Waiter? No way. Too stressful. I have respect for those guys.

Weatherman? Please. I could read numbers when I was four. Today, 74 degrees. Done. Where's my check?

Quote Me on This

I've noticed in a lot of conversations how people love quoting other people and start off by saying "Quote"...but then never close the quotes. I guess it's not always necessary because with inflection and pauses (two things that translate very well on a blog) most people know when you've stopped quoting your source. And besides, "Close Quote" just sounds weird.

But I want to start using "close quotes" in my every day conversations-- even though I know the more-common thing to say is "end quote." But I want to use "close quotes" in a way that entertains me. Like without using the opening "quote" and also without quoting anything at all.

"Yesterday I had to go to CVS to get some shampoo and batteries. The parking there is weird. Close quote."

I'd also like to start using "Quote" and then just keep carrying on the conversation like nothing happened.

"The lady at the counter was really grumpy. Quote: I left and decided to stop off at work on the way home to print off some spreadsheets so I could look over them away from the office."

And then, like 20 minutes later, I would throw in a "close quote." But I would say it after someone else finished talking.

Grammar is fun!

Guess Who?

I like how the Culligan Man always declares his entrance when entering a home. In all of the commercials, he never knocks, he just opens the front door, walks in, and announces, "Culligan Man!"

I think it would be fun if everyone adapted this process. I would walk into a restaurant and shout, "Hungry Mexican!" or enter a department store and declare, "Guy looking for a jacket!" or go into Staples and say, "Cheapskate looking for small items that will fit in my pocket!" or go to the movies and yell, "I have snacks hidden under my shirt!"

That way everyone knows who everyone else is and we can go on from there.

Of Snoop, Tom Cruise, & "The Price is Right"

You know who's a real genius is Snoop Dogg. That guy doesn't do anything and he's rich. Once in a while he'll mumble a verse in somebody else's song or have a cameo in a movie and he's a star. And let's be honest. He's not really a very good rapper. "A zibba zibba doh. A zibba zibba boh. Dizzle."

This dude made up his own fantasy language and no one ever questioned his sanity for a second! "OK, my people, from now on I'm speaking in my own secret language I made up where everything rhymes with "izzle.'"

Snoop doesn't want a glass of milk, he wants a "glizzle of mizzle." Snoop doesn't eat Frosted Flakes or Honeycomb for breakfast, he eats "Frizzled Flizzles" and "Honeykizzle." Snoop doesn't include a self-addressed stamped envelope but a self-adrizzled stizzled envelizzle.

This is how crazy people talk! The only thing "genius" about it is Snoop found a way to be crazy and make it cool. But I guess famous people are allowed to be crazy. We don't care. Just keep us entertained.

And the king of Mt. Crazy right now is Tom Cruise. The Scientologist. This is a man whose beliefs are based on a bad science fiction book. For real. Not even making that up.

Basically, here's what Scientologists believe: All humans have aliens in their blood. OK, they aren't aliens per se but we have part alien pumping through us and Scientology is the process of cleansing ourselves so we can get all the alien parts out and become pure human and reach the uppermost level of existence. And can I please give you a stress test on the subway.

Tom Cruise believes this! The man who got on Brooke Shields' case for taking aspirin. Ha! Aspirin. That's crazy! You must be crazy, Brooke Shields! You must be crazy, Brooke Shields, if you think that's gonna help get the aliens out of your head! Ha! You're dumb!

Tom Cruise is climbing the cliffs of insanity and all I can do is stand back and watch. He's just climbing away, yodeling like that little guy on that Price is Right game. Yodel-ee-oh-ee-oh!

How has this show lasted as long as it has? It's basically adults playing games that would be better suited for a third grader's birthday party. How in the world did PLINKO get to be so big? "Hey guys, let's take a huge slab of plywood, pound a bunch of nails into it, and then have people drop coasters on it and see what craziness happens."

And the audience loves it! Drew says, "We're going to play PLINKO" and the crowd is just like "RAAAAAAAAA!!!!! OH MY GOD IT'S PLINKOOOO!!!"

Of course, my favorite part of The Price is Right is the Showcase Showdown where you have the lady who could roll big fuzzy dice from the first half of the show up against the lady who made a 2"-putt from the second half of the show.

What???

They actually have a game where you have to guess the price of an item and if you're wrong they tell you "higher" or "lower." All you need to play this game is a basic understanding of numbers. And then there's always this idiot:

"500."
"Lower."
"550."
"Lower."
"575."
"Lower!"
"600."
"LOWER, YOU STUPID BASTARD!!"

OK....back to the Showcase Showdown.

There are two different showcases to choose from. They show the first showcase and Drew asks the first lady if she still wants to bid on it or pass it off to the second lady and the second lady always gets screwed because one of the showcases always has a new car but only one of them has a new car and the other showcase is extremely lame.

So the first one is like, "Oh hey, it's a Labor Day theme and it's time to cook out...on your new hibachi!!! And we don't want to make a mess so our girls are eating on...wicker paper plate holders!!! But what kind of barbecue would it be without...four pounds of goat meat!!! All of these items can be yours if the price is right!"

And Drew goes to the first lady and says, "Do you want to bid or pass?" and already the second lady has this look on her face like "Son of a...." So the first lady passes and goes on to bid on a lovely showcase that includes a new car, a hot tub, an RV, and the spokesmodel Janice. And #2 over here is stuck with what can only be described as a "shitcase."

And this is the true beauty of what we have come to know as The Price is Right.

Life Lessons. Sarah Style.

Today Sarah and I were driving home and passed by the Lancaster prison. It's actually a really cool building...it looks like an old castle...except with barbed wire on top of all the walls. Outside of the prison was a stenciled sign that said:

JOBS OPEN
HIRING IMMEDIATELY
MEN AND WOMEN

I cracked, "Baby, look. Let's go get jobs."

Without missing a beat Sarah said, "Oooooh, yea! I can go in and tell them my ideas for torturing people!"

Please believe me when I say Sarah isn't nearly as twisted as that statement would lead you to believe. You just have to understand Sarah's idea of linear thinking. I'll try to explain:

The other day Sarah was watching brain surgery on YouTube (if you can think of a more ridiculous way to start a story, then kudos to you). Since then she's mentioned on occasion or two how she has been inspired to be a brain surgeon.

Can I be honest? After some questioning I figured out Sarah doesn't want to be a brain surgeon. Sarah wants to be a what-happens-if-I-open-up-your-head-and-poke-here person. It's not that she wants to be a doctor, it's just that she's realllllly curious.

Today when she told me about torturing prisoners, I asked her what kind of torture she had in mind.

"You know," she explained, "Suturing and stuff."

"So you're not really looking to torture them, you just want to cut them and then sew them up and then cut them somewhere else and sew them up again." And I honestly believe she would because she believes that she can. Actually, she knows she can.

People in general won't let you cut them up just to see if you can do it and that's why Sarah wants to do it to prisoners. You rob an old lady, you're gonna have to pay by letting Sarah cut you open and looking around.

That's one of the things I admire about Sarah, though. Not that she wants to hack up prisoners but the fact that, if they called her up tomorrow and said, "Sarah, how would you like to cut someone's head open and look around inside?" she would be there in an instant (she'd probably do a little research on YouTube first, but I guarantee she'd be there).

I've told Sarah this before: There is nothing that Sarah doesn't think she can do. As far as she's concerned, if she can dream it up, she can do it. I wish I had a little more of that. We probably all do.

Is there something you haven't done or aren't doing simply because you don't think you can do it? I'm not talking about kidnapping people and performing exploratory surgery on them, but a dream of some kind you're killing by convincing yourself you can't do it. Maybe there's a job you want to apply for or an instrument you've been putting off learning. Maybe there's someone you've wanted to say hello to or a story you've thought about putting on paper.

Whatever it is, we can all take a lesson from Sarah. Don't think about it. Like the over-used shoe slogan says, just do it. As soon as the words "I can't because..." leave your mouth, you've done your part in killing your dream forever. And years down the road when you look back, "I can't because" will have morphed into "I wish I tried."

Do it. You can. I know you can. Sarah does, too.

The Shadow Man

As many of know, I always carry a small notebook in my back pocket. One never knows when something funny will pop into your head and it's always best to be armed to write it down, especially if you have hopes of doing comedy.

Because I carry these notebooks with me all of the time, they have a tendency to fall apart. Last night I came across three of the past notebooks I used to carry with me everywhere. They aren't even notebooks anymore...they're more like a piles of loose pages and it took me a bit of time to figure out what order they went in so I could make sense of them. I decided to transcribe them into a looseleaf notebook so they're all together and in some sort of order.

As I was re-reading, I found a few gems I had forgotten about. And when I say gems, I'm not trying to be arrogant about my funny; they just made me laugh. And I figure if they made me laugh after incubating in a drawer for so long, there might be something to them.

One of the ideas I had scribbled down wasn't a stand-up comedy bit but an idea for a short film. I don't recall exactly when I wrote it but I'm pretty sure it was in 2006-2007 while I was in Indiana. It was only 4 or 5 lines and I decided I wanted to film it.

So I ran around the apartment last night and got Sarah to be the star. A few hours later I had a finished product I was uploading onto YouTube. I wouldn't consider the premise one of the "gems" I mentioned earlier, but it was fun to film again and have something new to share.

You can watch it here. Enjoy. Leave a comment and let me know if you liked it. Or if you didn't.

On second thought, if you didn't like it, you don't need to comment.

Just kidding.

Sort of.

But not really.

Beauty: In the Eye of the Magazine Cover

Today I was stopped dead in my tracks by a magazine cover. My theory is, if you're going to name your magazine "Beautiful One" then you'd better make darn well sure the picture of Judy Jacobs on the cover is indeed beautiful.

Otherwise, change the name of your publication to "Crazy Hair Weekly."