Sunday, October 29, 2006

Teaching Mom Bad Words

I got together with Mom yesterday for lunch and a general hang. After burgers at Red Robin she wanted to check out the new Steve & Barry's everyone has been talking about...the store where everything inside is $8. Of course, now everything is 15 bucks. Still not much for a pair of jeans, but when you're used to everything being 8 dollars, all of a sudden 15 sounds ridiculous.

We were browsing through the T-Shirts With Funny Slogans section and came across a shirt that had the silhouette of a shapely woman pushing a baby stroller on the front. Across the bottom of the shirt it read got milf?

Mom pointed at it and laughed. I think she thought it was funny because "milk" was spelled wrong because she looked at it for a second, thought about it, and then admitted, "I don't get it."

In my head I was repeating over and over Please don't ask me what a MILF is please don't ask me what a MILF is please don't ask me what a MILF is.

And of course, it came. "What's MILF?"

Saturday, October 28, 2006. The day I told my mom about the word MILF.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

So...Who are These Critics You Speak Of?

Today on the news was a story about a recent study claiming that kids in a same-sex classroom environment performed better academically than kids in co-ed classrooms. The Bush administration has given the "go-ahead" for schools to inquire further on this subject. The reporter then stated "Critics claim this sounds too much like racial discrimination."


No it doesn't. In fact, it doesn't sound anything like racial discrimination. Who are these critics? I think these are the same people who, when approached by the guy with the new food idea consisting of two pieces of bread surrounding a ground beef patty, lettuce, tomato, and cheese said, "That sounds too much like pancakes."

Friday, October 13, 2006

Bird Killer

I'll give you a true statement and then I shall add two more true statements about the first statement that will add more detail and may shock you, surprise you, or offend you.

TRUE STATEMENT: I killed a bird last night.

TRUE STATEMENT ADDENDUM #1: I did it on purpose.

TRUE STATEMENT ADDENDUM #2: I killed the bird with a 5-foot wooden stepladder.


Being Humbled

Last night I had the pleasure of babysitting my niece, the world-famous Valencia Placencia. We had a blast. She's four years old and an amazingly well-behaved kid. Or at least she was last night. Before my brother left for his football game he got down on one knee and looked Valencia in the eye and said "You listen to Uncle Eddie and do what he says, OK?"* I was glad Ray gave her that instruction as I intended to make her vacuum out my car and fix me waffles.

I had just come from work and was still speckled with paint but our adventures began nonetheless. We ran down to the outskirts of Ft Wayne to go to the paint store and pick up some wallpaper. Whilst there we looked at a wallpaper book featuring Disney characters. From there we zipped back down to Auburn so I could swing by the house and get a change of clothes and then stop by the bank so I could get some money for the night's festivities. We saw my Aunt Mary, who works at the bank, and Valencia became a little shy as she talked to her on the bank's drive-thru intercom.

We then went back to V's home so she could get in a nap and I could get cleaned up while she snoozed. We got home about 4:30 and Ray had instructed me not to let her sleep past 5:30. V woke up a little after 5 and we were soon on our way to the mall in Ft Wayne.

We went in the entrance near the Red Robin restuarant and they had a costumed character of, well, a red robin hanging around inside so we went in so V could shake his hand. We then made our way into the main mall, where V advised me not to walk on the diamond-shaped pieces of tile on the floor. Just because.

We stopped at a bookstore so she could look at the Clifford books that were on display and then made our way to the Disney store where I was informed what Santa needed to get her and also what I needed to get her.

The next stop was Toys R Us and while there the store clerk told me how well-behaved V was. Since Ray and Piper weren't there to accept the compliment I took it for them. A Spongebob Squarepants costumed character showed up after a bit and I felt bad for the person inside the costume. V was the only kid in the store and she was more preoccupied with the Mr Microphone and the battery-operated stuffed pig that walks around on its own. I cheered for V to myself.

After 20 minutes we moved on to the huge two-story carousel in the mall where V was happy to ride the giraffe, even though it didn't go up and down. The carousel is in the middle of the food court and the Chick-Fil-A cow character was walking around. It was definitely the Night Of The Living Costume Characters.

Our next stop was Claire's, where I let V buy anything of her choosing. She opted for a keyring that had a little plastic bird on it. And when you squeezed the bird, sticky brown poop came out (although we aren't allowed to say "poop." You call them "stinkies').

Next up was The Princess Store which we kind of sped through. It was pink and fluffy and a little too gay for me.

As we left the mall we stopped in to grab a bite to eat at the Red Robin. The Bird Guy was gone but V at least got a balloon. We bundled back up and raced out to the car and from there we went to V's favorite store: Wal-Mart.

We looked at all the toys and walked through the Halloween aisle where she nervously laughed at all of the motion-activated talking skulls. As we left the aisle she confessed she was a little scared in the Halloween aisle. I told her it was just plastic with batteries that was acting silly and she agreed that the plastic was indeed silly.

We got her home at 9:00 on the dot. As we pulled in to her house she said, "I had fun today, Eddie" and it gave me the proverbial warm fuzzy feeling.

"I did too, V," I told her and then followed up with, "What was your favorite thing you did?"

She thought about it for no more than 2 seconds and said simply, "My nap."


*(Yes, for those of you who didn't know, back home in Indiana I am known as "Eddie." So shut up.)

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Cut Me, Mick

I've found the difference between improv and stand-up is kind of like the difference between soccer and boxing. In soccer, like improv, you have a team backing you up. If you get the ball and feel yourself start to bobble there's usually a teammate there to back you up and you can pass it off to them and hopefully they'll be able to do something with it. In boxing, like stand-up, it's just you out there on your own and if you get the crap beat out of you then you get the crap beat out of you. You can train all you want but you never really know if you're ready to fight until you step into the ring.

On Thursday November 9 I'll be stepping into the figurative ring again. It's open mic night at Snickerz Comedy Bar in Ft Wayne and I have secured one of only 3 slots. I'm stoked to get back up there.

I like the way they do things at Snickerz. I'm actually surprised more clubs don't do it this way. At every other club I've been to, open mic night is open mic night. Come one, come all, step in line and take your turn at trying to get people to laugh for your 3-5 minutes. Unfortunately because it's amateur night most of the time the only other people in attendance at open mic night is the mass of other comics wanting to get up on stage. And sometimes that mass is only 10 people. Needless to say, it's usually a pretty rough crowd.

Here in Ft Wayne they take a different approach. Instead of bringing on any and everyone who shows up, they only let three people go. Those 3 people serve as opening comics for the main comics/headliners, who also appear that night. Because it's not strictly an open mic night, you tend to get a close-to-full house of people ready to laugh as an audience. So not too shabby.

I was trying to get an October slot at Snickerz and when I called in late September they told me to call back in October. Since the first of the month I've been playing phone tag back and forth and today got a message informing me the next available slot is November 9. I'll take it. No complaints.

I'd like to get back there as often as possible while I'm around to get some solid material to bring with me when I return to NYC (yes, I do plan on returning to the Big Apple) so I can hit the comedy clubs running (as well as return to improv at the beloved National Comedy Theatre).

So, if you're in the Ft Wayne area on the 9th of November, stop by. I'm sure I'll post something else as the date nears so keep your eyes peeled for more self-promoting blogs and bulletins.

That's just the way I roll.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006