Monday, September 29, 2008

Weekend Video Recap

I could tell you what Sarah and I did this weekend, the shows we watched, the games we played, but quite honestly I'm too lazy to do that right now. So instead of telling, I'm showing.

Actually, the last one we didn't really watch all the way through. We got it from Netflix and the disc was so banged up it wouldn't finish playing. So we're looking forward to watching the second half.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Spamming Back

OK, so I don't really discuss politics in this blog...except maybe for the blog about Sarah's comment about McCain but seriously, I couldn't not write about that one. I shy away from politics not because I find it boring and, as a result, I find myself fairly uninformed (both of which are true) but honestly people who talk politics annoy me almost to the point of rage. When someone decides they want to try to convince me their political point of view is the One True View, I have to admit the more they talk and the more passionate they are, the more I find myself siding with the other party.

That being said, I found myself particularly annoyed when I heard about an email my friend Ashlea received. I asked her to send it to me so I could check it out for myself. Here it is in its original form...actually, there are a couple omissions, but I'll tell you about them when you get there:
Hi. I got your e-mail address from a listing of public media contact names. I'm writing to ask you for two things.


Please personally spread this e-mail around to everyone you know, especially friends who are undecided or recently switched to the GOP because of Sarah Palin. 

Here she is laughing while a political opponent of hers, who is a cancer survivor, is called a bitch and a cancer:
There was a link provided here, but since I'm not really up for helping out, it's not here any more.

And here's some commentary about it:

Same with the commentary. If you wanna do more reading, why not start at my blogs from the very beginning.

Also, while Mayor of Wasilla, Sarah Palin had the city charge rape victims for the rape kits used in their cases! Wasilla was the only city in Alaska that did this, and eventually, the state legislature had to pass a bill to stop it.

Yea, I know, bla bla bla, more links that I didn't bother clicking on used to reside here.

We can't let this horrible person come within a 71 year old heartbeat of the Presidency!!!

Second, please encourage your media outlet to cover these stories if it hasn't already. Many people are being drawn to the McCain/Palin ticket because of an image of Sarah Palin that is a pure PR creation, and the American media needs to correct it. Also, consider that if either of the Democratic candidates had anything like this in their past records, FOX News would be broadcasting it every hour on the hour as the lead story every day from now until November!

Thank you for your time.

Don't get me wrong. This email didn't annoy me because I'm a particularly fervent McCain/Palin supporter. It annoyed me because I hate spam. And for some reason (probably because I knew I'd end up writing about it here) I decided to send them a letter in response. I know, I know, the return email address is probably a dummy address that doesn't go anywhere, but I still had fun putting my reply together.


Hi. I got your e-mail address from a friend of mine you spammed. I'm writing to ask you for two things.


Please personally do your own work and stop being lazy and trying to get others to do it for you. Are you willing to go to the jobs of the people you write and do their work for them? Or is this just a one way street? If you expect us to do your campaigning for you, then are you willing to come to my house and wash my car? Give and take, dude/ma'am/nameless writer. Do you always approach complete strangers and ask them for favors? Do you walk down the street and randomly ask people to pick up your laundry or whip up some food for dinner? 

Here's a video link you never asked to see. It's a parrot eating a grilled cheese sandwich:


Please consider the fact that the more you spam people about your politics, the angrier they become at the agenda you're trying to push. You're like a viral Jehovah's Witness, except without the nice clothing or grasp of social graces.

Thank you for your time.

Wait, Clay Aiken is gay?

In a move that shocked the world until the world realized, "Oh wait, I already knew that," Clay Aiken finally admitted he is gay in a People magazine interview.

Other important headlines in the News That Isn't Really News category:

Rocks are hard.
Dogs have a tendency to say "Woof" while cats are more prone to the phrase, "Meow."
Jaws is a movie about a shark.

Last week Christian singer and performer of schmaltzy anthems Ray Boltz announced he is gay as well. That's right. Apparently September is National Announce You're Gay If You're A Singer Whose Songs Make Me Turn Off The Radio And Your Name Rhymes With "Gay" month.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

A Scathing Review

Earlier this month I wrote a blog half-heartedly reviewing the Twilight book series. It wasn't a review more than it was a series of sarcastic comments, but we all had fun and got a laugh or two. That is, until Rebecca from Milton in Queensland Australia gave it a read and decided to teach me a thing or two and leave a comment putting me in my place.

My first knee-jerk reaction was to simply delete the angry comments and move on, but, never one to look a gift horse in the mouth, I decided to embrace this opportunity to make yet another series of sarcastic comments. I then wondered if the comments weren't actually written by one of my friends posing as "Rebecca" but the passion behind the comments was so real, the spellcheck so unused, and...the... grammarcheck also so unused, I knew it had to be real.

Yes. I couldn't just delete the comments. I had to give them their own blog. But beware, Blog Reader. Rebecca (who can apparently be reached at uses some pretty harsh language to put me in my place. I guess that's what I get for taking these books about vampires and werewolves so lightly.

I am including her comments as she wrote them. I am also including sarcastic retorts.

ahh wtf,

(Ed here. You know you're in trouble when they start off with such harsh letters)

this is gay the books are great, and i love em,
your ust some lame person that is jelouse that you are not bella. hahhhhaha your so lame!!
(yes, Rebecca, you're right. You busted me. I stay up all night being jelouse...I mean jealous of a fictional character. And a female one at that. I guess no one would have ever found out if it hadn't been for you meddling pre-teens! And you're right. I'm so lame. I'll be the first person to admit I'm lame. It sucks understanding basic contractions)

pretty sure i woudl abuse you if i could be botherd (and i'm pretty sure you could spell "would" and "bothered" correctly but you have to get back to your Katy Perry music, right?) but to end it you are a fuck tard and a waste of time, so go suck yo mummas penis :) (Wow Rebecca, it must be hard spendin' all your life livin' in a gangsta's paradise. Of course, my favorite thing about this last "sentence" is the fact that it's like insult, insult, insult, smiley face. Why the smiley face? )

ya bout say it dick (This one is just as confusing. I'm going to assume it's an Australian phrase and I admit I'm definitely going to need help translating this one.)

One thing I probably should have warned Rebecca about before she commented: The comments don't just magically appear, I actually get an email letting me know there are new comments to approve. After submitting her comment, Rebecca got a message on the screen saying something to the effect that the comments are pending approval by Yours Truly. I can only assume this is what enraged her even more, causing her to comment again exactly one minute later:

ah what the hell, you are so lame you like the book but you make fun of it, wow your real cool,

Wait, that's it? Rebecca, don't leave me hanging! You ended your sentence with a comma, making me think there's more on the way but nothing! I don't know what I,

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Of Pizza, Milton, and Patrick Dempsey

I have the coolest luck with Papa Johns delivery. And when I say "coolest luck" what I actually mean is "funny story material."

When I first moved into my apartent here in downtown Lancaster, my pizza delivery person was a woman who only had two fingers on each hand. Not that that's funny, but I bet my expression when I opened the door was. I guess it was the last thing I expected to see.

She used to have to call the apartment every time she delivered pizza because she always got lost. I didn't mind, though, because it always served as a bit of a heads up that she was my delivery driver and I could steel myself for her arrival and practice my lack of surprised reaction.

But after a few months she was gone and then it was your standard rotation of nondescript delivery guys and gals.

Until last night.

Last night I got Milton from Office Space.

He called me on the phone to ask directions to my house and after our conversation, I wasn't sure what to expect.

Papa Johns Milton: What side of the house is your street on?
Me: It'll be on the left-hand side. The house number is 440. The house numbers on the street aren't the easiest to see, but I'm in between Ann Street and Lime Street.
PJM: Yea, the house numbers in the city are hard. I bet that's why people get shot and it's hard to find them.
Me: .....Yea.
PJM: I have a Papa John's sign on top of my car but it's broken. My blinkers are on. Will you go outside and come get me?
Me: Um...yea...I'll stand on the porch and look for you.
PJM: Ok, here I come!

It's important to note that Sarah was sleeping while all of this was going on otherwise I probably would have told her to get the video camera or something and film the transaction because I knew this was going to be good.

I stood on the porch and watched him as he drove down the street, stopping about 75 yards away and just idling in the middle of the street. After about 25 seconds he made his way down to where I was and he came out of the car with my pizza delights. As he approached he saw the pen I was holding and the conversation took off from there.

PJM: Did you order online?
Me: Yep.
PJM: If you ordered online you don't have to sign a receipt.
Me: Oh, ok.
PJM: Did anyone ever tell you you look like Patrick Dempsey?
Me: Heh heh, no, I don't think so.
PJM: Well I say yes! Thanks for the tip! (Yes, when you pay for your pizza online, you can also include the tip right then and there, and I was feeling a bit generous this weekend and tipped about 35%. I don't know why. I guess I sensed the blog material that was coming my way.)
Me: You're welcome.
PJM: I'm the one at the store who made your apple crisps.
Me: Oh, that's cool.
PJM: Yeah so thanks for the tip. I gave you a whole bunch-a frosting.
Me: Oh!!

Just for the record, I don't really look like Patrick Dempsey. I think it's just because it was 10 o'clock on a Friday night and my hair was kind of out of control and poofy.

Friday, September 19, 2008

New Facebook Can Suck It

If you've read my blog for long then you know I'm not opposed to change (I think I've changed the layout here 3 times in the last 2 months). So when Facebook announced they were going to be making some changes to their layout, I didn't think much of it.

Until they changed it.

What was once laid out in a simple, linear fashion is now a jumble of stuff just kind of thrown onto the page, much like what MySpace did a year or so ago (prompting my decision to give up on them). For a while Facebook gave you the option of keeping the old design or trying the new one. I think I knew one person who stuck with the new one. I used to be able to pop in to Facebook, do my thing, and zip out. Not the case anymore. Now I have to pop in, go to this page to do that, this other page to do that, click here and then hover over this to do the other thing....

I understand that in the grand scheme of things Facebook changing their layout is no big thing. There are way worse things to be upset about. But now that Facebook has forced the change on everyone and there is no "old version" to opt for, the more I use it, the more I find things that frustrate me about the new layout.

I don't spend a lot of time on stuff that frustrates me, so I may or may not be hanging out on Facebook as much as usual. My updates may not be as prompt, my time spent there much shorter. I won't be browsing your photos or videos as much as I'd like and your notes may go un-commented on. It's not that I don't care.

It seems a majority of the people I've spoken to feel the same way, and I dare Facebook to man up and admit they are wrong. If Coke can admit their mistake and bring back the original flavor, then so can you, Facebook. New Facebook sucks.

And Tom, from MySpace, before you start celebrating, put away your champagne, sparkly bling banner ads, and annoying promos that blast me with sounds upon login. I'm not going back to MySpace, either. Fool me once, shame on you.

Is Friendster still around?

Sunday, September 14, 2008

McCain: A Gut Reaction

Tonight Sarah was channel surfing and came upon John McCain. A close-up of John McCain. And all I heard was this exclamation:

"He's so old. He looks like a toad! Someone give him a diaper and a donut!"

I'm not sure why a donut was recommended and/or involved in her reaction, but it still made me laugh.



Thursday, September 11, 2008

Finger Lickin' Secretive

Saw this come down the news-wire yesterday:

For the first time in 68 years, the Colonel's secret recipe is being moved from its safe at Kentucky Fried Chicken's Louisville headquarters. They are actually using a high security motorcade to transport the recipe of eleven herbs and spices to an undisclosed location. Colonel Sander's hand-written recipe is being moved temporarily to allow upgrades in the security around the safe that protects it. KFC says only two of its executives know the secret recipe.  A third executive knows the combination to the safe where the recipe's kept. And less than a handful of KFC employees know the identities of the three executives, who, by the way, are not allowed to travel in the same vehicle.


I hate to burst anyone's bubble, but just thought I should let KFC know they can loosen security just a little bit. That's right, guys. Unclench.

To be honest...and I know it's hard to hear it...the chicken's not that good. I mean...I've had just-as-good from a box in the grocery store. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate KFC, but seriously the chicken isn't motorcade-worthy, nor is it CIA-level tasty. "Finger-lickin'" good is even stretching it, actually. 

But at least now we have the plot for National Treasure 3: Book of Secrets No One Is Really That Interested In Stealing.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

What to Church?

I don't know how you were raised, but as far as I'm concerned if you don't wear your very best to church, then something in your life is seriously messed up. Who are these people wearing jeans and t-shirts to church? Unacc-freakin-ceptable. This is church, people, not a Gin Blossoms concert. We're praising God, not trying to score a dime bag, so suit up.

Thankfully, my friend Ashlea received an email spam touting a solution for all of you slackers out there. That's right. is here to save the day.

WWJD? Well, I think he'd dress - as the ad says - classy and sassy.

I had to do it. I had to go to the website and check it out. And believe me, it's just as horribly scary as the ad makes it out to be. So many choices and options, I didn't know where to go first! I was like a kid caught in a candy store, except the candy was incredibly loud and pattern-filled and holier than my regular candy because the colors were so much brighter.

I mean, come on, when you think "church clothes," who doesn't think of the Purple Graduate's Delight?

And seriously, ladies, do you really expect to look sassy singing the latest Paul Baloche song if you're not dressed like the Mad Hatter?

I've heard it said some girls go to church looking to meet nice, single Christian guys. Well, that ain't gonna happen unless you show up Sunday morning dressed like a retarded Mary Poppins.

And I'm sorry, ladies, but you can't enter into the holy of holies without sporting what I refer to as the winter fur explosion. A bargain at $450. Shipping is free, so what are you waiting for? You can tithe next month.

And don't worry, fellas, we haven't forgotten you! Are you a fan of mustard? Then saints-be-praised you're gonna love this shirt. It screams "Look at my holiness" without having to say a word. It even comes with a sleek "O" on the tie (as in, "Oh crap, what are you wearing").

But this site doesn't just offer horrible, horrible clothes. It also provides customer testimonials! F Rawls from Georgia raves:

Praise Jesus
These suits are fabulous
When I go to church, I turn all the heads.

Praise Jesus, indeed, F Rawls. After years of trying to turn heads at church, I found the secret! Greet visitors? Help in the nursery? Screw you, can't you see I'm trying to turn heads here?

First Lady Robertson in Mississippi says,

Free shipping is a plus for me, because I order a new suit every week.

Wow, First Lady Robertson! You buy a new suit every week? Good thing the shipping is free, otherwise I'd almost think you were nuts! You definitely know a bargain when you see one.

And then First Lady Gloria Williams from Louisiana brags,

Im the first lady of my church, and I will be telling everybody to order from you.

I don't know what worries me the most about this one. Is it the fact I don't know who the first lady is at my church or the fact that this testimonial almost sounds like a threat?

So there you have it.

I don't want to ever see you in the Lord's house in jeans again.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

Life of Reilly

The odd thing about being a video editor is how I get close to people who aren't even aware it's happening.

Whether it's an artist or someone in the community, they may come in to the station or we may be out at a concert, someone else interviews them while I film the goings-on. After that I take the footage back to the office and literally spend hours and hours editing the interview. After a bit I start to get the sense that I really know who these people are. I pore over their every word and gesture, looking for the best angle and what-have-you, dialing in on their anecdotes, and suddenly I've spent all of this quality time with them. It's like they're hanging out with ME and not the pesky interviewer! I feel like we're best buds and as far as they know, I'm Biff the anonymous camera guy (when, in reality, I'm the anonymous camera guy Ed).

It's a very one-way relationship I have going on with these people.

Recently I've been forging a false friendship with my new favorite band, Reilly. John Reilly and Dan Huie hung out with us backstage at the Purple Door festival and they were a lot of fun. Their interview was incredible in that I was able to turn it into five different videos: a legitimate meet-the-band type interview, and four funny vignettes that give a little insight into their quirky sense of humor.

They're all available on the station's YouTube site. As of this writing, I haven't posted the final two short films...I'm saving the other two to sprinkle in throughout the next couple of weeks. And, if you don't wanna go all the way over to YouTube, you can watch the videos here.

First, the short funny ones:

And then the regular interview interview:

And now you know why they're my new favorite band and my new friends by an extreme technicality.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Twilight: A Spoiler-Filled Review

I meant what I said in the subject line. This blog includes spoilers. Consider yourself warned.

I'll be honest: I never heard of the "Twilight" book series by Stephenie Meyer until I started seeing articles in Entertainment Weekly over the past few weeks touting it as the new rage and Harry Potter's replacement. I decided to pick up the first book, "Twilight", and see what all the fuss was about. Despite the fact that it sometimes read like a romance novel written from a 14-year-old girls' perspective (I've never read a romance novel, nor have I read a novel written by a 14-year-old girl, so this is complete conjecture), it was actually an extremely quick read and I flew through it. And then I read through the other 3 books as well and again, they're all really quick reads. Sarah, who readily admits she hasn't read a book since "The Mummy" in 6th grade, even got into it and found herself tearing through the books, too.

To save you the time of reading the 1700+ pages, let me re-cap:

Twilight (The Twilight Saga, Book 1)

Hi. I'm a girl. I'm angsty. Oh wait. There's this really hot guy in my new school. He's sooooooo dreamy. OOoooooooo.

(Repeat for 400 pages)

Oh wow! Turns out he's a vampire. But oh I still love him even though I know I shouldn't.

I shouldn't.

Oh, but I do.

Oh, but I shouldn't.

Oh, but I do.

(Repeat for 5 more chapters)

Oh no! It's almost the end of the book! I think I'll get chased by a bad vampire to give this book something to do and end with action and a thrilling climax!

New Moon (The Twilight Saga, Book 2)

Ohhhhhhh my vampire crush moved away.........Life is sooooooooo will I live........ohhhhhh... woe is me......woe is FREAKIN me.............

(Repeat for 8 chapters)

I think I'll start hanging out with this OTHER guy who turns out to be a werewolf! He's so different than that vampire. But ohhhhhhh I love the vampire.

But now I think I love the werewolf.

But my heart is with the vampire.

But I love the werewolf.

But not really because I love the vampire.

But the werewolf is my true love.

Except for the vampire who I miss soooooooo much.

(Repeat for 500 pages)

Oh no! Almost the end of the book! I better bring back the vampire so he and the werewolf can yell at each other for 11 more chapters and then get threatened by a bunch of scary vampires and have nothing actually come of it!!

Eclipse (The Twilight Saga, Book 3)

Oh nooooo. I'm such an angsty girl and now the vampire and the werewolf are both here and ohhhhh I love them both. So I'll tell the vampire I love him and hang out and kiss him and then hang out with the werewolf but we won't kiss we'll only hold hands and of course the vampire is so wussy he won't even care.

Kiss the vampire.

Hold hands with the werewolf.

Kiss the vampire.

Tell the werewolf I love him.

Kiss the vampire.

Try to figure out why the werewolf doesn't get that I don't want to be with him as I tell him I love him and hold his hand some more.

(Repeat for 500 pages)

Oh no!!! A whole bunch of bad vampires!! Let's fight them all!! The end.

Breaking Dawn (The Twilight Saga, Book 4)

Oh, being married to the vampire is soooooo amazing. I think we'll have crazy crazy vampire-on-human sex! It's ok, we're married now. Because if we weren't, having sex with the undead would just be weird. Ooooooo I sure do like all the love makin'! In fact, I think I'll make love to him for the first 200 pages!!

Oh no, I'm pregnant!! How did that happen? And with a vampire baby! It scratches my belly and breaks my ribs when it kicks. Ouch!!! Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch!!! Oh the pain!!! The pain!!!!!!!!!!! I know what will make it easier on you, the reader: I'll be in horrible horrible labor for the next 700 pages.

Oh I have a baby now. I love her! And the werewolf fell in love with her (For real. The werewolf is in love with an infant mutant baby)! What could possibly go wrong??

Oh no!! It's the end! All the bad vampires from around the world are here to kill me and my baby!!!!!!! Oh no!!!! What should we do!!!!!!!! I know! Instead of having an exciting, dramatic climax, where we all fight and put an end to their evil vampire ways I'll just be like, "You guys are wrong, my baby is cool." And they'll be like, "Oh yea, your baby IS pretty cool. My bad. See ya."

Yeah. That ending is MUCH better.

I just realized this blog makes it sound like I didn't like the books. Obviously, since I read them all, that's not true. I liked them all except the last one. But when you capsulize these tomes in a quick, sarcastic blog, they're gonna end up sounding pretty ridiculous. And I guess they kind of are.

***UPDATE: Apparently Australians don't appreciate my book reviews. Read more about that RIGHT HERE.