Sunday, March 30, 2008

"The Number 23": It Works!

Sarah and I just watched "The Number 23" with Jim Carrey. In keeping with the spirit of the movie (where the number 23 is everywhere and doggone-it, it's out to kill you!) I now present my short, but 23-laden review:

23 is composed of a 2 and a 3

2+3 = 5

23-5 = 18

The 18th letter of the alphabet is "R".

The 5th letter of the alphabet is "E".

And, of course, R and E are the first two letters of "RETARDED."

Yep. It works.


Friday, March 28, 2008

What a Charmin Man

Hm....I guess this is one way to express being disgruntled at the water company....


Man Writes Check on 2-Ply Toilet Paper
Mar 27, 9:42 PM (ET)

BINGHAMTON, N.Y. (AP) - An upstate New York man embroiled in a dispute over his water bill is not being allowed to pay off his debt with a check written on toilet paper. Ron Borgna tried to settle his $2,509.66 bill with a check written on floral print, two-ply toilet paper Wednesday. The disagreement began in September 2006 when Borgna received a $422.90 water bill. Borgna claims he was overbilled. With additional charges, penalties and late fees that bill has grown. Binghamton city officials refused to accept the check. After a short argument, Borgna was escorted out of the building.

Borgna says he is appealing the judgment against him in small claims court.


I wonder if the appeal was written on Kleenex and sealed in a paper towel envelope.


Thursday, March 27, 2008

Bacon and Egg. And high heels.

Yay! More strange but true news!!


Race in Heels Trips Man on Workers Comp

Mar 25, 8:47 PM (ET)

HARTFORD, Conn. (AP) - Prosecutors say a video shows a Connecticut correction officer running a 40-yard-dash in women's clothing and high heels - at a time he had claimed he was too injured to work.Garrett A. Dalton of Naugatuck has been charged with workers compensation fraud. He's accused of taking part in a radio station's contest for Hannah Montana concert tickets last year. Not only did he have to dress in drag but he had to carry an egg on a spoon.Authorities were alerted after someone saw Dalton in a TV news report. Prosecutors say the 41-year-old collected more than $5,000 in workers' compensation after he reported a work-related injury in June.Court documents do not list an attorney for Dalton, and his phone number is unlisted. And no, he didn't win the contest.


OK so yeah, this guy was totally faking everyone out to get workman's comp. That's not the part of the story that disturbs me. It's the fact that the radio station's genius promotions director came up with the idea to give away Hannah Montana tickets by having people dress in drag and have a foot race in high heels. While balancing an egg on a spoon.

You know. Just like Hannah Montana does.



Monday, March 24, 2008

What's the Difference Between a Leg and an Anus?

If you don't know, then you're probably one of the surgeons in the following news article:


Pensioner gets bum's rush on op

March 19, 2008 12:00am

A GERMAN pensioner is taking a hospital to court after she turned up for a leg operation - and got a new anus instead.

The woman woke up to find she had been mixed up with another patient suffering from incontinence who was to have surgery on her sphincter.

The clinic in Hochfranken, Bavaria, has since suspended the surgical team.

Now the woman is planning to sue the hospital - although she still needs the leg operation and is searching for another hospital to do it.


I'm still not quite sure what the outcome is. Does this mean her bathroom trips are now completed in half the time? Will the people at Charmin hire her as a new spokeswoman? What will this do to her dry cleaning bill? Can she now harmonize with herself when she farts?

So many few answers.


Thursday, March 20, 2008

Grab the Taco and Make a Run for the Border

Here's a fun story for ya, kids!

Man Gets 30 Days' Jail for Taco Theft

Mar 20, 12:18 AM (ET)

LOS ANGELES (AP) - A man who pretended to be a CEO complaining about his fast-food order in a taco scam was sentenced to 30 days in jail after authorities saw the prank in an online video.Rialto police said it was an easy case to crack because the video, called "How to Scam Del Taco" and posted on, shows Robert Echeverria, 32, calling the restaurant about 50 miles east of Los Angeles on Feb. 19.In a friendly tone he claims to be a CEO named "Robert Kennedy" who has already spoken to the store's manager and corporate office about some unwanted sour cream and the lack of a receipt in a previous order.

"I love your guys' tacos," he said.

One of his two 18-year-old co-stars is later shown walking into the restaurant and claiming the food. The video ends with the three men feasting and laughing.

Echeverria even provided a pair of personal phone numbers in the video, Rialto police Lt. Joe Cirilo said.

A Rialto resident saw the video online last month and called police, authorities said.

On Tuesday, Echeverria pleaded guilty to misdemeanor burglary and received a sentence of 30 days in jail, three years' probation and one special condition: a ban from the Rialto Del Taco.

"I tried to get him to stay away from all Del Tacos, but the judge said just the one," Deputy District Attorney Doug Schaller said.

Schaller said the two teens can expect a similar plea deal, most likely minus the jail time.

See, people, this is exactly why I don't post on my YouTube site my "How to Rip Off Netflix" video or step-by-step "Larceny Made Easy" short film or even my "This Video Will Definitely Get Me In Jail" video. Ya gotta keep some things to yourselves, guys.

I saw a video on YouTube of a news report covering this story. The "perp"(that's what crime fighters like myself call people like this) turned out to be a gang member who weighs in at just a few pounds lighter than a dump truck (that's just a "guess-timation," of course). I'm pretty sure I saw him on Jerry Springer playing the role of "stereotypical fat Mexican gangster" but I could be mistaken.


Interviewing My Shirt Twin

I work at a radio station and every once in a while we get someone really cool to swing by the studios for an interview. And on even rarer occasions, I get to do the interviewing. Afterwards, I get to play back my stammering question-asking over and over again until my self-consciousness has completely grown back.

Last week, Chris Sligh came in for an interview (Name ring a bell? Chris was a top 10 finalist on season 6 of American Idol). He was a lot of fun to talk to and it was really cool finding out more about who he is and where he's come from. The interview lasted 47 minutes and I somehow managed to whittle it down to 8-1/2. Enjoy!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Showdown at the USDA Corral

This is the latest article to catch my eye:

Restaurant owner beans meat thief with a ham

Mar. 16, 2008 11:59 AM, Associated Press

A meat thief is no match for an angry restaurant owner swinging a ham.

Joe Scola says he heard a noise in his Scola's Place restaurant in Gloucester, Mass., and saw a man trying to get away with his arms full of meat taken from the restaurant freezer.

Scola says that when he caught up with the man and started taking back his stock, the man raised a five-pound log of frozen Italian meat over his head as if to use it as a weapon.

The restaurant owner had a frozen ham in his hand and slammed it into the man's face, making a gash. The stunned thief dropped his loot and ran.

Police say they're haven't found the man responsible for the Wednesday confrontation.

Ed here again.

This totally ruins all of my future games of "Rock, Paper, Scissors, Italian Meat Log, Frozen Ham." I don't know about you, but where I come from Italian Meat Log totally beats Frozen Ham.


Monday, March 17, 2008

Of Corn Flakes and Stupid People

Just saw this little gem online. Check it out...but stay tuned all the way to the end, as I have a comment or two....

Illinois-Shaped Corn Flake for Sale
Mar 17, 12:34 AM (ET)


CHICAGO (AP) - Sounds a little flaky, but someone has offered more than $50 on eBay for a piece of breakfast cereal that is touted as a lookalike to the state of Illinois.Two sisters listed "The Great Illinois Corn Flake" on the online auction site, promising it has undergone no alterations.

Emily McIntire, a 15-year-old sophomore in high school from Chesapeake, Va., said she was grabbing fistfuls of cereal on her way to class when she found the flake.

"It was almost to my mouth, it didn't look like Illinois at first because it was held the wrong way," said McIntire, but then she noticed the resemblance and said, "Oh my goodness, it's Illinois."

Her 23-year-old sister, Melissa, said their parents suggested selling it for fun. They're offering free shipping to Illinois.

"At the moment it's residing in a fine jewelry box with a lot of cotton wrapped around it to keep it safe," said Melissa McIntire.

The McIntire sisters say they've decided to use the proceeds from the eBay sale to buy more boxes of Frosted Flakes.

"We've got to replace the one we've already sold," Melissa McIntire said. "We like cereal."

Wow. Just...just wow. This is all kinds of retarded. And by retarded, I mean re-freakin-tarded.

A Corn Flake shaped like Illinois? With a guarantee it hasn't been altered? At first I was going to be amazed until I realized that every corn flake looks like Illinois, you stupid idiots. This is nothing special. That's like saying I found a gumball that is shaped like Earth. The planet is round. Gumballs are round. And Illinois is shaped like every Corn Flake ever.

I also enjoy the part of the story where the sisters claim they are going to use the proceeds of their amazing find to buy more boxes of Frosted Flakes. Now there's a wise investment, girls. How else were you going ever going to save up to buy a box of cereal? It's a good thing you came across this gold mine, because we all know people otherwise have a tricky time figuring out how to pay for things like college, a new house, and Frosted Flakes.

I especially like how the author of the article is able to infuse a sense of "close call" nail-biting suspense into the story as well. This idiot had the corn flake almost in her mouth, when, at the last second, she realized what she was about to do. I picture in my head her sister diving across the table in slow motion while John Woo doves flutter outside the window. The spoon is knocked out of her hand and the precious corn flake is saved from--God forbid--being eaten. Wow. A close call indeed. Because you're not going to find another Illinois-shaped corn flake load up another spoonful of Corn Flakes. Idiots.

And how can you not love their final statement: "We like cereal." I wonder if they had to loosen the strap on their protective helmet before coming up with this brave proclamation.

It's stories like this one that make me want to Google their names, find their home address, make the drive down to Virginia, ring the doorbell, and when they answer, smash them in the face with a Swiffer WetJet.

Otherwise, how will they learn?

Update, June 7, 2008: I couldn't resist. I had to talk about this on stage.

The Grand

Count me in!

Sunday, March 16, 2008

An Extra 24

I've been looking for this clip for some time now (ever since the first week of last December to be exact) as it crosses a couple of my favorite pop culture items. The TV show "24" and the comedian Ricky Gervais. For those who may not yet know, Gervais is the creator and star of the original version of "The Office" and also the equally hilarious series "Extras." It turns out he and his writing partner Stephen Merchant are also huge fans of Kiefer Sutherland and his show "24." Merchant actually had a cameo appearance in a "24" episode last season, but according to Entertainment Weekly the "24" producers felt that Gervais was too recognizable when he played a White House aid, so they cut the scene. And knowing this would happen, the crew decided to have fun with it. It's an extra on the "24" Season 6 DVD and today I found it floating around on YouTube. God bless the internet.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Where IS He?

Found this online and thought I'd pass it along. And you thought finding Jason Bourne was hard...

Thursday, March 13, 2008

A Sad Day

My pal John Allen sent me this email update:

Golgotha Golf To Transmogrify Into Dinner Theater, Haunted Mine

One of the nation's few Bible-themed miniature golf courses will soon be replaced by a pair of new attractions. Golgotha Golf, part of the Cave City cluster of attractions, had been suffering a slow devolution since it closed permanently in 2001 or so. New owner Ron Cushman said "It will no longer be a mini golf course. It is becoming a dinner theatre and a haunted mine attraction (in the old go cart concourse). The new name will be 'The Grande Palace Music Hall and Clementine Mine.'" Ron hopes to have the business up and operating by June 2007. "The theatre and mine will be separate attractions and a separate ticket since dinner theatre and crashing elevators don't go together."

We asked if doomed spelunker Floyd Collins will be coaxed from his nearby grave site to wander the Haunted Mine. "The ghost of Floyd Collins?" said Cushman, "I wouldn't dare give away our secrets, now would I?"

Haunted mines? Dinner theatre? I don't know....I'm just glad my buddy Aaron Marrs and I got to document this hallowed mini-golf resort before this desecration.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

The Useless South

Today I got a really random IM from Ashlea at work with a question that opened the floodgates. I'm probably going to offend some people with this one but at the end of the day, I stand by my word. I now give you our instant message conversation:

ASHLEA: Which state would you describe as the most useless?

ME: Montana. Alaska. Alabama. Kentucky. Missisippi. Tennessee. Georgia. South Carolina. North Carolina. And Virginia.

ASHLEA: Haha. Ok, disputes...Alaska has oil. And you can take cool cruises.

ME: Yea but conservationists won't let us get the oil, so it's useless. Mexico has cool cruises, too.

ASHLEA: North Carolina and South Carolina are awesome. Outer Banks, Myrtle Beach.

ME: If you want beaches, go to Florida or California or Hawaii.

ASHLEA: Georgia peaches.

ME: Georgia has the Klan.

ASHLEA: Tennessee because of Nashville.

ME: Nashville has country music and also inbreeding.

ASHLEA: Eddie you really need to redeem your feelings about Nashville.

ME: Nah. I like my feelings about Nashville. It's OK. I feel the same about Atlanta. We should just pave over them and start over.

ASHLEA: What would you change?

ME: I would gas it, fence it off, and make it a nature preserve.

After this, Ashlea didn't say anything else. So, naturally, that means I'm right.


Body for Life...or at least for now

If you really want to be motivated to stay in shape, I recommend marrying a really hot fitness instructor.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, Sarah is hot. I'm not biased, that's just a fact. The sun is warm, ice is cold, Tom Cruise is an idiot, and Sarah is hot. Facts.

I know Sarah would disagree with me, and she's sweet for doing so, but I know I married way out of my league. Trust me. I've seen me without a shirt.

And before you even say anything, let me cut you off. I know looks aren't everything and if you know me, you know that's true. I also know that Sarah loves me for who I am, not for what I look like, I know that. So....OK. We're good? All right. Then I'll continue with my rant that will seemingly contradict those last couple of statements.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Sarah's hot.

Sarah's also a fitness freak. Not that she enjoys working out but this girl loves it. Tae Bo, kickboxing, biking, running, doesn't matter. She's up for it.

I on the other hand...well, I've been known to work out, sometimes on a pretty regular basis, but I've never stayed on top of it. Like most people, I've gone through my phases. But I was thinking about this a couple of weeks ago and decided that I'd like to get into shape - and stay in shape - not only because I think it'd be cool, but because if I'm going to be married to someone as good lookin' as Sarah,'s only polite that I do what I can to return the favor. Not that I am operating under the delusion of becoming something I'm not genetically going to become without an Extreme Makeover, but at the same time I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have abs, even if it's just two of them. I may even settle for having an ab.

So last week I started on the Body for Life fitness routine. I know, nothing like jumping on the bandwagon 14 years too late. But we'll see how it goes. I do some sort of exercise six days a week and it's only been a week and a half, so I'm definitely not touting any major accomplishments yet. But I'll see what happens. I'm enjoying it so far, even if it does mean I drag my butt out of bed at 6am every morning. And that's saying something. Especially for me.

And don't worry. In 11 weeks I'm not going to be posting any before/after photos and I'm not going to be driving around town with no shirt on any time soon. Because if I did, that would mean I could no longer make fun of people who do.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Daft Hands

Seen this yet? (Heads up, kids...there's a swear word or two...or this one)

Monday, March 10, 2008

Cha Cha Cookies

There's a famous saying in the world of movie making: Never work with kids or animals.

Well, bring on the animals.

This weekend I shot a parody of the McDonald's "Cha Cha Slide" commercial. You know, the one with the kid in the yellow outfit grooving at the dinner table while he eats apples. Our parody was for the Kids Cookie Break, the award-winning kids show on the station hosted by Lisa Landis. The video features her son (and star of my next short film as well...more on that later), her husband John, and her nephew Nick.

It was a pretty quick shoot (about an hour and a half) and I think we did a pretty good job of recreating the commercial shot-by-shot. The editing process was surprisingly quick and it's now up for the world to enjoy.

So, if you're sick of seeing the commercial on TV, maybe you'll like it better with cookies instead.

Saturday, March 08, 2008

B-rad is Back

One of the coolest things I like about this blog is seeing what people searched that led them to my little corner of the web. It's always interesting to see just how many people do a search for "Menards" (a lot more than I would ever guess), "fridge decor" (people search for that?), and "Apollo stump" (I can't say I blame them for that one...I often wonder how that tradition started, too).

Of course, I am sure my blogs help very little in providing them the information they were actually looking for. Instead of data pertaining to the department store, how to decorate your refrigerator, or insight into strange theater traditions, they get blogs about body parts said with English accents, a plea for free stuff, and a short story about a Jewish guy and Mo'Nique.

Another search a  lot of people enter is "Brad Moist" which is curious, as he is a buddy of mine I worked with at Gotee Records who then went on to found his own record label, Mono vs Stereo. I used to have a link to his blog my blogroll (on the right-hand column of this page)but he recently took it down. I am glad to say, though, that now people can find him again as his new site is up and running. And for once, I can help. When people do a search for Brad they may actually find him, rather than my silly blog about Guitar Hero.