Saturday, September 25, 2004

They're Getting My People

Today the doorbell rang and outside was a nicely-dressed man, his wife (I assume), and their two kids (again, I assume). I answered the door and the man told me "Hello, I am a-Spanish speaking Jehovah Witness. Do you speak-a Spanish?"

My only thought was "Oh no!! Jehovah's Witnesses have run out of white people to terrify and now they have moved on to the Mexicans!!"

It hurt my soul.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

"Arrested Development"


This FOX show won the Emmy for Best Comedy, and it's about time this show gets some respect. If you have never seen this show, SHAME ON YOU. This is one of the best new shows to come out in a long time and like most shows that are good and well-written and flat-out hilarious, it's doing horrible in the ratings (i.e. The Ben Stiller Show). Perhaps this recognition will help.

When I realized that I only know two people (Andrew & Drew...I think it was them?) who watch this show, I knew I had to let my buddies in on the secret. I mean come on, how many shows do you actually laugh out loud at on a regular basis?

The new season starts in November, but if you have a chance try to catch some of the re-runs or, better yet, rent the first season on DVD when it comes out.

You're welcome in advance for the head's up.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

This Deadly City

Poor Nashville. It cannot help but to suck.

Besides being the hub of The Devil (AKA the Christian Music Industry) it's just not a good place to be. AND IT COULD KILL YOU. So I am posting this plea in hopes that all of my Nashville friends will read it and we will all pool our resources together and buy a mansion in Palos Verdes CA and all live together like one big happy cult.

"OK, so you don't like Nashville, but it's not KILLING you," you may say. "You're just being overdramatic."

Well let me tell you, each month as I receive my new issue of Men's Health magazine, I am further convinced that Nashville is just not the place to be.

Each year they do an article on the 101 best (and worst) places to live. And there's science that goes into it, not just personal opinion. Their rankings are based on mortality stats from the Centers for Disease Control, the CDC's "Sexually Transmitted Disease Report", "Crime in the U.S." from the FBI, the EPA's Air Quality Report, CDC Behavioral Risk factor surveillance Report, the Urban Mobility Study, fitness data from Claritis research, park and recreation data, and physician data from Health Market Science.

Last year, Nashville ranked 99 out of 101 with a grade of an "F." This last time around our Fitness Grade, Quality of Life grade, and Health grade were all "D's." Needless to say, moving up from an F to a D isn't exactly comforting.

Shortly after that, MH began releasing monthly reports on the 101 largest cities in America on a variety of topics. Again, I wasn't comforted.

In "The United States of Anxiety" where they rated cities according to stress, Nashville got a B-. Not too bad. The next month, they graded cities according to the divorce rate. An awesome D that time around. The month after that was "Is Your Town Toxic?" where they rated the industrial toxicity. A C for us. "Is Your City Sloshed" was the next month's report. As if you couldn't tell from the title, they did research to determine the drunkest cities. Hooray for us! D again!And this month they researched cities according to STDs. Nashville ranked 80 out of 101 with a final grade of D- .

Now, I personally don't really have to concern myself with the STD reports or the drunk reports. But it's awesome to know who I'm rubbing elbows with at Wal-Mart.

What was very surprising to me was the number of West Coast cities that consistently do well. All this time we're told how horrible California is for you when actually where we are ain't exactly Eden either.

So pack your bags friends. We got to get the heck outta Dodge!

My Toaster

My toaster has a setting that goes from light to dark. Now I can understand having different levels to cook the toast to your specific preference, but what I don't understand is why the highest setting basically transforms a piece of bread into a smoldering chunk of carbon.

Who eats their toast like this?

What brain-dead astro-boy finds what is basically burnt black charcoal appealing to the taste buds? In my opinion, the toaster shouldn't be labeled "HIGH" it should be labeled "MARS LAVA."

And I'm sorry, but this isn't a taste that a pat of butter is going to remedy.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Bloopers In Heaven

It is my firm belief (or at least my firm hope) that when we get to heaven, there will be gag reels of our lives waiting there for everyone to see and laugh at. I am picturing a time when all of us will gather together, the lights will dim, and we'll see bloopers from everyone's lives. Every slip, trip, stumble, and fall will be there for all of us to laugh at and enjoy.

I can't wait.

So, if you're ever around me and I trip or do something stupid (as I am prone to do) and you hear me mutter, "I can't wait to see that" you know what I'm talking about.

Monday, September 06, 2004

Things That Make Me Go "Hmmm"

I was updating my email address book today and decided to do a bit of purging. Which basically means I have deleted all of the names of people who refuse to ever respond to my emails. I mean if they aren't going to write back, then they don't deserve to know what's new with Edwardo.

I was a bit saddened to see how many of those people are "friends" I met through the Christian Music Industry. People who I thought were good folks and cared about what was going on in my corner of the world. People who stopped any and all communication with me as soon as I was no longer in "the business" and had nothing to offer them (apparently). People who used to return my calls and emails in less than 10 minutes now don't respond to a simple "Hey how are you" note.

I hope I'm not coming off as angry or bitter, because I'm not. I just thought it was a little odd. Oh well. Onward and upward!