Illinois-Shaped Corn Flake for Sale
Mar 17, 12:34 AM (ET)
By CARYN ROUSSEAU
CHICAGO (AP) - Sounds a little flaky, but someone has offered more than $50 on eBay for a piece of breakfast cereal that is touted as a lookalike to the state of Illinois.Two sisters listed "The Great Illinois Corn Flake" on the online auction site, promising it has undergone no alterations.
Emily McIntire, a 15-year-old sophomore in high school from Chesapeake, Va., said she was grabbing fistfuls of cereal on her way to class when she found the flake.
"It was almost to my mouth, it didn't look like Illinois at first because it was held the wrong way," said McIntire, but then she noticed the resemblance and said, "Oh my goodness, it's Illinois."
Her 23-year-old sister, Melissa, said their parents suggested selling it for fun. They're offering free shipping to Illinois.
"At the moment it's residing in a fine jewelry box with a lot of cotton wrapped around it to keep it safe," said Melissa McIntire.
The McIntire sisters say they've decided to use the proceeds from the eBay sale to buy more boxes of Frosted Flakes.
"We've got to replace the one we've already sold," Melissa McIntire said. "We like cereal."
Wow. Just...just wow. This is all kinds of retarded. And by retarded, I mean re-freakin-tarded.
A Corn Flake shaped like Illinois? With a guarantee it hasn't been altered? At first I was going to be amazed until I realized that every corn flake looks like Illinois, you stupid idiots. This is nothing special. That's like saying I found a gumball that is shaped like Earth. The planet is round. Gumballs are round. And Illinois is shaped like every Corn Flake ever.
I also enjoy the part of the story where the sisters claim they are going to use the proceeds of their amazing find to buy more boxes of Frosted Flakes. Now there's a wise investment, girls. How else were you going ever going to save up to buy a box of cereal? It's a good thing you came across this gold mine, because we all know people otherwise have a tricky time figuring out how to pay for things like college, a new house, and Frosted Flakes.
I especially like how the author of the article is able to infuse a sense of "close call" nail-biting suspense into the story as well. This idiot had the corn flake almost in her mouth, when, at the last second, she realized what she was about to do. I picture in my head her sister diving across the table in slow motion while John Woo doves flutter outside the window. The spoon is knocked out of her hand and the precious corn flake is saved from--God forbid--being eaten. Wow. A close call indeed. Because you're not going to find another Illinois-shaped corn flake until...well...you load up another spoonful of Corn Flakes. Idiots.
And how can you not love their final statement: "We like cereal." I wonder if they had to loosen the strap on their protective helmet before coming up with this brave proclamation.
It's stories like this one that make me want to Google their names, find their home address, make the drive down to Virginia, ring the doorbell, and when they answer, smash them in the face with a Swiffer WetJet.
Otherwise, how will they learn?
Update, June 7, 2008: I couldn't resist. I had to talk about this on stage.