Carnivale!

Sarah and I went to a carnival this weekend. Most of the rides there were "spinny" rides so I politely declined. We did, however, ride the boat that swings back and forth and back and forth. We were the only ones on the ride and we sat in the very back to get the most out of it. At first it was a lot of fun.



But then...well...I think the guy running the ride was trying to be nice by making it an extra-long ride since we were the only ones on, but after about 20 minutes we got bored. And he was just laughing and smiling and after the initial "woohoo" wore off, I was then able to take a good look around and see all of the ways I could possibly die.

The ride was obviously constructed by someone from Europe who thinks all Americans are 400 pounds, as the safety bar didn't come remotely close enough to holding us in properly. Poor Sarah. She's so tiny and was holding on to me so tightly. I don't blame her. Every time we swung down, she would lift completely off and almost out of her seat.

Sarah said if we fell out, at least we'd get a good settlement. I told her I'd rather not have to live the rest of my life with a slice of rebar sticking out of my neck.

We decided for our next ride, we would try out the dreaded TOMB OF DOOM.



Look how scary it is! This is going to be awesome!

Once inside, though...



I think it was right at this point I turned to Sarah and said, "We could have made this in our basement."

The cart we were in wove in and out of a series of black plastic trash bags. Once in a while we would pass a mummy. Because the ride was so well-choreographed, 30 seconds after we passed the mummy, we would hear it scream. We looked behind us to see what we were missing only to see it was just then being illuminated.

We stood outside the TOMB OF DOOM talking for a few minutes and after a short bit, a 5-year-old was finishing up his turn on the ride. His mom was waiting outside for him and with every bit of enthusiastic motherly joy she could muster said, "Were you scared?"

The kid just looked at her and said, "No."

I wanted to tell the mother to write down the date and time in her memory book when she got home, because this was the exact moment in time her son became jaded.

We ran into some friends of Sarah's and they told us about the chocolate-covered frozen bananas. As huge fans of Arrested Development, naturally Sarah and I were excited to have our very own Bluth banana. And I proved my Bluth-iness by making a stupid blunder.

The bananas came plain, with peanuts, or with sprinkles. I wanted the little chopped nuts on mine...



...so naturally I ordered sprinkles.

I mean, that only makes sense, right?

Little sprinkles of chopped up nuts?

I guess if I would have given it some real thought I would have figured it out. But I didn't. So instead I got to walk around the carnival with a miniature gay pride float in my hand.



After we walked around for a bit, we went over to our friends to hang out for the rest of the evening, play some games, and then watch the fireworks. The time we spent at their kitchen table laughing and talking and sharing stories more than made up for our somewhat-enjoyable time at the carnival.

We watched the fireworks go off from their yard and then we watched the fallout and ashes from the fireworks fall all over us and their house. We were all sprinkled with little charred pieces of cardboard and ash and after it was over firemen climbed on top of their roof to make sure their place wouldn't burn down.



All in all, though, it was a good day. I got to spend a nice evening with Sarah, we laughed and talked and watched really fat people try to climb down stairs. We got to hang out with good friends Ethan and Aubrey and Chris and Cathy we hadn't seen in far too long and as I left their house and looked back at the carnival grounds, it was a nice image.



Even if the TOMB OF DOOM was totally lame.

Insanity: Day 16

I can't.

I want to, I really really do, but I physically can't.

After today's workout, the shin splint in my left leg was pretty much unbearable. Which was distracting me from the fact that I was beginning to develop a shin splint in my right leg as well.

Poop.

It may have been too much too soon. I'm going to shift gears and go back to P90x and see what happens. I'll do one complete "term" of P90X (90 days) and then see if I haven't ramped my way up to where I can do Insanity. As much as I really like the Insanity workout, at this point in my exercisorial career, I'm not physically ready for it.

So today I re-start P90X with Chest & Back.

Whatever.

Insanity: Day 15

Fit Test 2

Yesterday was a day off and today, the first day of the third week in the Insanity program, I re-took the fit test I took on day 1 so I could groan at how far I haven't come.

Actually, I surprised myself in some of them. Not so much in others. All in all, though, I ended up a sweaty mess on the floor in the fetal position. So yea, I guess it was a good workout.

• SWITCH KICKS - Day 1: 50/Day 15: 62


• POWER JACKS - Day 1: 30/ Day 15: 49


• POWER KNEES - Day 1: 81/Day 15: 109


• POWER JUMPS - Day 1: 23/ Day 15: 27


• GLOBE JUMPS - Day 1: 6/Day 15: 7


• SUICIDE JUMPS - Day 1: 10/Day 15: 12


• PUSH-UP JACKS - Day 1: 20/Day 15: 25


• LOW PLANK OBLIQUE - Day 1: 35/Day 15: 52

Don't Wanna Kill Yourself? You Will After This Blog.

I admit it. I am hooked on what I call, "Judge TV." That amazing afternoon block from 2-5pm when my local FOX affiliate airs a solid hour of Judge Alex, followed by an hour of Judge Joe Brown, and capped off with the creme de la creme, an hour of Judge Judy.

Of course, the price I pay is having to sit through three hours of commercials targeted at people whom they assume are out of work (EARN MONEY EASY!), want to sue someone (I'M A BULLDOG LAWYER!), need a better job (HEY....UM...YOU WANNA WORK IN A DENTAL OFFICE FILING PAPERS OR SOMETHIN'?) or need money (WE'LL GIVE YOU A LOAN IF WE CAN HAVE YOUR CAR, PLEASE).

The worst offender is a place called Cash Point Title Loans. They didn't just make one horrible commercial. They made a bunch of horrible commercials. Here's one:

Wow...where do I start off?

Just because your nephew has an old karaoke microphone and a drum machine and can talk in all sorts of silly, zany voices, that doesn't mean you should hire him to write your jingle. This guy makes the band from the Free Credit Report ads sound like...I don't know, Genesis.

Also, watch it again and pay close attention to the "bill collector" in the upper left-hand corner during the beginning. I don't know what kind of bill he's calling about, but he is straight up screaming at the girl on the phone. I like to pretend that she stabbed his baby.

Here's another one:

Pay close attention to the very beginning. Look how miserable this guy looks while the waitress pours his coffee as he holds a donut. Obviously this is because there is a man off-camera pointing a gun at him and is forcing him to drink 13 cups of coffee and eat 174 donuts. Why else would you be so upset? You're having coffee and a donut, you ungrateful cornhole!

Then we get to the point in the commercial when the two girls, whom I assume he either doesn't know or can't stand since they aren't sitting with him or helping him, begin to sing the theme song, taunting him and his utter depression. All he can do is look at them and give a small smirk, as he understands it's never polite to laugh and point at retarded people who sing and wave wads of money in public.

I also enjoy how the singer in this commercial decides to use a British accent. Whatever, dude.

Then they rolled out this one:

Yay!!! Silly singing voices!!!! Who cares that you can't understand what they're saying? It sure sounds goofy!!! Ha ha ha ha! Oh, my nephew is hi-LAR-ious!

Wow...they're not even trying to make a good commercial, are they?

The guy in the wife beater was sad at the beginning of the commercial, but then he forgot he gets to do a close-up of his biceps flexing while he holds a perfectly-fanned wad of cash in the other, and now instead of spotting his buddy who's bench pressing an impressive 4 pounds, he's gyrating and bouncing. Also, the actors in this commercial were given a 50-dollar bonus every time they raised their hands.

Lastly, there's this dingleberry:

Ok, ok, ok, forget the fact the song is now burning the inside of my head like someone is using a rusty drywall screw to give me a root canal. Forget the fact that the guy seemingly is shocked he is holding a beer. Forget the fact that a table of girls comes over to his table, singing the theme song and just being all zombie weird-like.

My question is this: Who's up for a road trip to the Cash Point Title Loan Promotions Department and punching every last one of them in the ear? I know a quick way to get some money for the trip!

How Do You Say "Ohhhhhhhhh" In Italian?

You see, people, this is why Craigslist is so amazing. This is an actual post from today:

OK, this is an odd request, but our production company has been given the assignment to replace audio from many foreign adult releases with an English soundtrack. Because of the content, there's very little lipsync required with the emphasis on sounds associated with lovemaking. We limit sessions to 3 hours and payment is made at time of service. If you're a woman 21 years to 60 years old, have a sexy voice, and can feign an orgasm, you're perfect for this part.

I just love the fact  they aren't concerned with you translating the dialogue...it's more about recreating "sounds associated with lovemaking."

Great. And me without my Italian-Grunts-To-English-Moans dictionary.

Pilkington Meets Glengarry

Talk about motivating your salesmen...

Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant, and Karl Pilkington are introducing the first season of their HBO animated series on DVD. They made a promotional video to be shown to retailers at a sales conference. What started off as a gentle trip into Hey Thanks For Getting Behind Our Project-land took a vicious sharp turn into Come On Salespeople And Do Your Jobs-ville.

Insanity: Day 13

Pure Cardio & Cardio Abs

Wow, Ed, you just about made it all the way through Pure Cardio! That's great! Oh but hey, today we're also adding Cardio Abs on top of that, so don't get so cocky just because you went further than ever before.  Yep. Now I have a new way to kill you, and I can do it without any situps or crunches.

You sissy.

Love,

Shaun T.

Insanity: Day 12

Cardio Power & Resistance

I think I pushed it a little too hard today but I don't care. When I was finished I drank about a gallon of water to replenish my fluids and then just laid on the floor and listened to my How To Speak Italian CD, panting and gasping in between repeating vowels and consonants and other common sounds.

Edward Cullen's HiPro Glow

When  I saw Twilight for the first time, I jokingly referred to Edward the vampire's amazing ability to sparkle in the sun as his HiPro Glow.

No one got it.

I understand that if you have to explain your joke, maybe it's not a very good joke, but bear with me. I think once you get the reference you'll be pretty impressed.

Back in the 80s there was a commercial for a Purina-brand dog food called HiPro. It featured a dog running in the woods and the announcer promised if you fed your dog HiPro, its coat would shine with a "HiPro Glow." The dog then began to glow as it ran through the woods.



Thirty years later Edward Cullen reveals himself to Bella not only to be a vampire, but also discloses the little-known fact that when vampires stand in the bright sunlight, especially after running in the woods, they too have a glow that looks oddly familiar.



But that's not all. Vampires don't just glow. As you can see from this close-up still shot from the film of Edward's frail pale chest, they sparkle in the sunlight.



But hey, what's the big deal. In another shot from the 1985 dog food commercial, Purina reveals to us this is not because Edward is a vampire. It's because he has apparently been eating HiPro dog food.



Poor Purina doesn't get any credit for being the first one to come up with the idea of a wild animal running through the woods and sparkling in the sun. And to add insult to injury, their 1985 sparkling special effects actually look better than the multi-million dollar movie from the next millennium.

So there you have it. And now when Edward and his sparkly head next appears in a theater near you, you can also appreciate the beauty of what is actually the HiPro glow.

Billboards of the Future...In the Present

I guess if you want to advertise for your new 3d television, Samsung picked a pretty cool way to do it.

Pixels

I don't know how to properly introduce the awesomeness that is this video.

So I won't.

Insanity: Day 11

Cardio Recovery

Don't let the word "recovery" fool you. I still ended this 30-minute yoga/stretch routine sweating like a fat guy on a date with Jillian Michaels.

Date Night

Thursday night we didn't have anything going on. Sarah wasn't teaching any classes and I didn't have any plans to play Green Day Rock Band, so we declared it to be a date night. I made reservations at The Olde Greenfield Inn here in Lancaster. When I told our friend Ashlea where we went, she looked at me incredulously and said, "Really?? I don't know anyone who's ever gone there."

And I guess I could understand her momentary surprise. When we got there, there were some people eating outside and some inside in the main dining room and they were all...well...I don't know how else to put it. They were all really old.

But I had an ace up my sleeve in the fact that I had reserved a private table downstairs in the wine cellar.

We sat down, Sarah opened the menu and said, "Ooh, this is a nice place."

And because it was a nice place, Sarah and I spent the next ten minutes running around taking pictures.

[caption id="attachment_1945" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="I love it when a plan comes together"][/caption]

Yes, it was a nice place. They even had glasses that could sing if you ran your finger quickly around the rim.

Sarah ordered the filet mignon and I had the seafood platter. Steak, yummy mashed potatoes, lobster, shrimp, Sarah and I ate like Kirstie Alley with a day pass.

Our plates were cleaned and there was no room left for dessert.

We came home and immediately regretted our gluttony. But we didn't regret our date night.

Insanity: Day 10

Plyometric Cardio Circuit

Shin splints be darned, I was determined to work out today. When I woke up this morning, my leg was already sore and I was hoping it wouldn't get worse as the day went on. It didn't, but kinda sustained at a dull throb. I went to the drug store and bought some generic BenGay.

I was able to go 28 minutes, which was 3 minutes longer than the last time I did this same workout (and 8 minutes longer than yesterday); I burned 430 calories until I finally had to admit my leg was threatening to snap in two if I didn't stop.

The house currently smells like mint - really strong mint - as the magical ointment does its thing. My shin is also wrapped and ready to go for tomorrow, which is cardio recovery, so I'm sure my leg will appreciate the break.

But I loved it. More, more, more.

Baby Bears Have All The Fun

This looks awesome. Now I wish I lived closer to my niece so I could put her in a tree and do the same thing. I bet she'd have a blast.

Two-Headed Monsters

I've seen them. You've seen them. Every once in a while these two-headed beasts pop up on Facebook and I always shake my head in disgust. BobAndSallyJones. TomAndTinaSmith. ControllingWifeAndGuyWhoIsntTrustedToSurfTheInternetAlone. I'm referring, of course, to Couples Who Share A Facebook Account.

Seriously?

Ok, just stop it.

Insanity: Day 9

Pure Cardio

I was only able to go 20 minutes today before my stupid shin splint started to really hurt again. Stupid leg.

Warwick Davis is a Little Man. Your Baby Isn’t.

What's the deal with people calling their babies and small children "Little Man"? I'm seeing this ridiculous trend all over the place, mostly in Facebook and Twitter status updates. You've seen it, too:

"I'm out with Little Man."

"Four years old! Little Man is getting so big!"

"Little Man is taking a nap."

Hey, guess what? Your child is not a little man. Your child is an average-sized baby. A man can shave and drive a car and shuffle a deck of cards and walk without having to put up his hands for balance and deposit a check at a bank and lift heavy things and weighs more than 100 pounds and can talk. Your baby is not a Little Man.

The next time you refer to your baby as "Little Man," take a good look at his eyes. You're annoying him and I bet deep inside he's getting back at you by thinking of you as "Massive Infant".

Insanity: Day 8

Cardio Power & Resistance

I was really plowing through this time. With half of my brain I was trying to be mindful of the shin splint that is setting in in my left leg, but with the other half, I just wanted to work out.

I got about 28 minutes into the work out before I had to call it quits. Not because I was out of breath and all woozy like usual - I think I was actually starting to hit what some people refer to as a "runner's high" - but because the shin splint started to really flare up after one of the 30-second breaks. I'm not too disheartened, though. My heart rate watch tells me that although I worked out 3 minutes less than the last time I did this particular DVD, I actually burned 60 more calories this time around.

Woot. Yay.

There's No Crying in Production!

When I'm at work making a radio spot, I'm very detailed when I fill out the paperwork.

Depends on Your Definition of "Real"

The Real Housewives of.... whatever city. Are these shows legally allowed to call these housewives "real" if 74% of their bodies are made of plastic, silicone, collagen, and a false self-image?

Just wondering.

Quote of the Day: iPhone

"This, in and of itself, is an amazing instrument. However, it's attached to AT&T, which makes it ... a ...  f***in' rock." - Lewis Black, holding an iPhone, from his new album Stark Raving Black

Insanity: Day 7

Today was a day of rest, which is good as yesterday toward the middle of the workout I started to develop a shin splint in my left leg. I walked to the local coffee shop this afternoon, which isn't too far, and on the way back it started to re-surface.

This sucks.

Various medical websites tell me I'm probably not going to die, so that's good. The most common cause of shin splints is a sudden increase or intensity in physical fitness.

Busted.

I'll try to continue tomorrow at a significantly lower rate and see what happens. I really hope this doesn't delay me too much.

The weird thing is, with the Insanity program I'm actually looking forward to the workouts, which is a first for me. On Day 2 I was really looking forward to this day off. Today, though...I kinda miss it.

Zach Anner: Way Better Than Oprah

You may have heard Oprah Winfrey is giving away the chance to host a new show on her cable network. People across America are invited to submit their video entries. I don't know about you, but this guy gets my vote.

You can vote for Zach here.

Insanity: Day 6

Plyometric Cardio Circuit

I noticed that I was able to go a bit stronger for a bit longer and it hasn't even been a week yet.

On the other hand, I'm now breathing with the help of an iron lung.

Welcome to Church

You know, I think I've been to this church. I won't say where, but it sure seems oddly familiar.

On a totally unrelated topic, I wonder how my Nashville friends are.

"Sunday's Coming" Movie Trailer.

Insanity: Day 5

Pure Cardio

I finished today's workout almost an hour ago. And I almost can breathe again.

A Night on the Town

Sarah and I were a bit restless tonight, so we hopped in the car and drove around. We started off the night at Maggie Moo's, which is why I spent the rest of the evening with two chocolate blobs on the front of my shirt. From there it was a quick jaunt to Wal-Mart followed by Five Below. After that, we watched a lady driving a van run a red light and almost hit a car. We followed her to Barnes & Noble where we learned that not only is she a bad driver, she's also a bad parker.



You can't tell it from the photo, but the only thing she is good at is leaving a small child in the car while she and her daughter go into the bookstore.

Once we were inside, Sarah and I found a treasure trove of cool things, including a huge magnifying glass...





...and an entire shelf of non-existent encouragement for children.



When we finally arrived home, there were two police cars parked across the street and two officers were talking to  an old man sitting on his front porch and shirtless. When we got out of our car, we realized they weren't talking to the old man. They were taking turns yelling at him.

Bad Cop said, "This is ridiculous, two old men getting into a fight!!"

And then Badder Cop got in the old man's face, pointing a finger at him, and screamed, "We almost killed you when we got here!!!"

I wished we had been there when the police arrived. Sarah immediately turned to me and said, "We can never leave this block."

Insanity: Day 4

Cardio Recovery

After the last couple of days, today's rest/stretch was a break. Although I should have put sarcastic quotes around the word rest because I still ended up sweating like Katy Perry in a Quiz Bowl.

My Google Voice

I got my invitation to join Google Voice tonight and so far I'm pretty impressed. I'm just starting to tinker around with it, but so far I am loving the fact that I can set up a different greeting for each person in my Gmail contact list. So when Sarah calls, she'll hear one message, Dad will hear another, and everyone else will just hear something generic. Way cool.

I guess what I'm saying is, if you're still using Yahoo or Hotmail or Comcast or even Mac for your email....seriously?

Insanity: Day 3

Cardio power and resistance today.

As I was cooling down and taking off my heart monitor/wristwatch, I thought someone squirted me with a spray bottle. But then I realized I was the only one home and it was actually perspiration flicking off the wristband as I unhooked it and spattering me in the face.

So yea. I sweated a little bit today. Sweated? Sweat? What's the past tense of sweat?

Today I swat.

BP Spills Coffee

Truth in Post-Its

I got to work this morning and had some paperwork on my desk for a new series of on-air spots. There were a lot of instructions on the paper, including a list of names, song suggestions, separate air dates, the copy read by the voice work, and the deadline, all color-coded with highlights to indicate which goes with which spot.

The best thing about it, though, was the Post-It note stuck on top of the paper:



Sometimes something as simple as a Post-It note can make a big job not-so daunting.

Insanity: Day 2

Could only do....first 1/3...heart rate way high....heart monitor watch tells me I burned 425 calories... in 30 minutes....breathing deep... and heavy....

I see....a very bright light.....

BRRRRRAWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRR

The gardeners have been running their leaf-blowers directly outside my office window for the past 3 hours straight. If whatever you're trying to blow away hasn't blown away yet, then why not try picking it up with your hand? In the meantime, thanks for the bold gasoline scent in my office.

Insanity: Day 1

Did the Fit Test today. Even my hair hurts.

I took a sneak peek at tomorrow's disc and kind of skimmed through to see what I was going to have to do. Just watching it gave me a headache.

I. Am. Going. To. Die.

They Just Rolled That Tarp Right Out

Tonight Sarah was to lead the crowd at a Lancaster Barnstormers baseball game in a Zumba routine during the 7th-inning stretch. Naturally, she was very excited (and I was excited for her!) and she brought some of her fellow Zumba instructors with her to help out. Our good pals Dustin and Janelle came along to join in the fun but unfortunately, the game got rained out in the sixth inning. Fortunately, I brought along the video camera and captured a few seconds of the evening and just happened to be rolling when Dustin uttered the Quote of the Day.

Why Is This Photo Moving And Making Noise?

I was browsing the 'net before going to bed tonight and ran across a website for an upcoming Christian Music Festival. I couldn't help but chuckle at this little gem on the front page of their website:

[caption id="attachment_1844" align="aligncenter" width="500" caption="What? These are videos? NOT magical moving pictures?"][/caption]

Seriously? Are people actually confusing videos with photos? Was this huge explanation on the front of their website really necessary? This led me to jump to one of two possible conclusions:

1. The people who run this festival think the people who might come to the festival are dumb as rocks.
2. The people who might come to the festival really are dumb as rocks and complained about the fact the photos on the website had "big sideways triangles in a circle" in the middle of the pictures, and so an explanation was actually needed.

Either way, I don't think I'm gonna go. When you start explaining to me what a Youtube video is, you've gone way past condescending and entered into just plain frightening.